Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Not Much

Not a whole lot of new news lately, just a lot of little mundane things.

Charlie had the mother of all temper tantrums on the way out of the gym today. There is a cafe right before you hit the door, and one time-ONE TIME-I bought the kids lunch there since we were leaving kind of late. Now Charlie is beside himself every blessed time we walk past if he doesn't get any pizza. It makes me not want to do anything special since he then expects it all the time.

Jeff's uncle Joe died on Sunday night, and so we are going up to Portsmouth on Saturday for the funeral. I had only met him once, at our wedding, but it makes me so sad for Jeff's grandma to have to bury a child. It will put a damper I am sure on her 90th birthday celebration which is coming up later in the month.

Sammy has learned to name and identify the parts of his face, which is always cute, and because of Charlie's fascination with numbers and letters, he has learned several letters and colors. I guess it does pay to be so close to your older sibling. He's learning a lot of things faster than the other two did.

Charlie and Sammy have really started acting like brothers, and our living room is frequently turned into a WWF ring. There is a lot of sitting on, rolling on top of, friendly punching, and shrieks of laughter. Actually, Evan frequently gets in on the deal, and as lamps teeter precariously and toys go flying I wonder how I (and my house) am going to survive the next 20 years. There is WAY to much testosterone in our house.

The 4th of July is this week. I hate this holiday for purely unrelated reasons. To me, it means the mid-point of summer, and I am so not ready to think about going back. Argh.

On an upnote, my clothes are starting to feel a lot looser. I am trying not to focus on the numbers of my weight a lot, just on how I look and feel. I am weighed regularly at the gym by my trainer, and at the beginning I told him that I didn't want to know the total, just the gains or losses, which of course led me to divulge my anorexic past. Which is a ridiculous thing to have to talk about to someone who didn't know you then, and only sees your overweight self. I could see him asking himself if that still mattered, so then I started to ask myself that. Has it gone away? Enough to matter-yes. I don't daily feel the urge to count calories anymore, or to weigh myself 20 times a day. But I strongly feel this is because I know where to tread gently, and what not to do. Sometimes though, I can still feel it lurking in the background. Like when I look in the mirror. I will always wonder whether or not I am seeing an accurate picture of me, or the grossly overexagerated fat version of me my brain is awfully fond of. It is amazing to me what your brain can project and trick you with. I can tell you that when I weighed 90 pounds in high school, I honestly saw a 350 pound person reflected in the mirror. I can also feel snatches of it when exercising-I start to feel that high you can get while working out (which is perfectly normal) that does strange things to me. It makes me want to keep going when I know I should stop. It makes me want to workout again later in the day when I know that would be excessive. It makes me worry a little as I begin to see progress from my efforts that the high of it will bring back other things. So far reason has prevailed and I have been in control. I don't obsess about it happening, but it is weird to fell that pull. So does it go away? No, even when you are overweight. I wish people could understand that, but that's just wishful thinking.

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