Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Win, But So Does the Gas Company

Yesterday Evan had swim lessons in the afternoon. Usually I drop the two toddlers off at my Mom's house so that I can watch Evan in peace. My parents are still in Ireland though, so they had to come with me. I was VERY nervous about this given Charlie's record for temper tantrums this week, and Sam's record for running away in public places and getting into things he shouldn't. Swimtastic is also filled with parents from my school, and I didn't want to look like the worlds biggest Loser Mom in front of them. So, while Evan went inside to swim, I brought along an Elmo DVD and our portable DVD player (my next car is so having the DVD already installed), snacks, and drinks, and we stayed in the car. The todllers were impressed, and I was relieved. The unfortunate part was that it was over 90 degrees so we had to leave the car on and the air running. For over half an hour. A complete waste of expensive gas, but so worth it for my sanity.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Insomniac

I have never been one to have trouble falling asleep. The last week has been terrible though. I haven't fallen asleep before 1:00 in the morning in a long while. I wish I knew what I was doing differently that is contributing to this.

The stupid part is, I am SO tired and sleepy, yet I just can't fall into slumber!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Downside

of going to a pool that is connected with a health club is that the majority of the people who are at the pool look really good in their swimsuits. That is what I am discovering this summer. I am trying to keep it in perspective and use it as motivation, but mostly I am just jealous.

We snuck in a couple of hours at the pool this morning before the rain and thunder set in, which was lovely. Evan and I dropped those lovely toddlers off at the daycare and headed for the water. It was my "I'm sorry you are stuck with such an overwhelmed mother" present to him. It was good for both of us. As he zoomed down the water slides, I soaked in the outdoor spa, and found some peace.

Thank you God for Lifetime Fitness. It has saved my sanity this summer.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I Am Just So Tired

Today was absolutely exhausting, frustrating, patience depleting, embarrassing, horrible, etc.

Charlie had a temper tantrum on the way into the gym this morning, and I had to pick his screaming and kicking body up and carry him to the daycare. He had mud on his shoe from the parking lot, so by the time we arrived, I was covered in mud from his kicking and flailing feet. Sam started screaming too on the way, and by the time we arrived at the childcare center everyone was staring both in pity, annoyance, and gratefulness it wasn't their own children.

I should have known not to try to attempt a shopping trip after that, but we are on a schedule this week to get things done for school. Evan's school supplies were top on the list, so we headed to Walmart. I feel so sorry for Ev that the trip turned out so crappy. I used to love carefully selecting the new supplies I would use each year, picking out just the right one. Sammy threw a huge fit as we started out, over who knows what, and was screaming at the TOP of his lungs. I am sure the whole store could hear. We started racing through the aisles of supplies, trying to hurriedly find everything. I was starting to run out of patience, and was short with Evan, the poor kid. As we raced into the checkout aisle, Charlie spotted some Skittles he wanted, but I was not about to reward the child for screaming. So, he started in with the BIGGEST temper tantrum I have ever personally witnessed. He was shrieking, hitting, kicking, and completely out of control. I stuck to my guns-no Skittles, but yet again everyone was staring.

To top off the day, we had to make a trip to the doctor so Evan could see Dr. B for his sinus infection that still won't go away, despite a round of antibiotics. Sammy lost it again this time, as we waited over 45 minutes in the waiting room, and I had to stand up holding him, all 30 pounds worth, for most of that time to keep him quiet/restrained. When we finally made it to the exam room, I burst into tears.

Give me a classroom of 30 school age kids, and I am a pro. I have successfully dealt with every classroom situation/behavior problem thrown at me in the last 8 years, which includes an 8 year old throwing a desk at the classroom window. Hand me two toddlers 10 months apart in age and experts at tantrums, and I am a loser. Loser Mom. I am just completely exhausted. I don't know if I am handling things right, but I never give in to the screams. How much longer can this go on? How much more can I take? I would seriously benefit from a Prozac cocktail right now. Or at the very least a vacation on a deserted island. Until the toddlers are preschoolers.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Crusty

Have you ever had to try and clean out cat litter from your child's hair? It's not fun, and it's not easy.

When we got Ray, we decided to put his litter box and food in the storage room, which is right next to the boys' toy room. To allow Ray entry but keep the toddlers out, I put up a baby gate in the doorway, and just left the door to the storage room open. This has worked beautifully for the last month, but yesterday our monkey (otherwise known as Sammy) discovered he could climb over the gate. Being a kind brother, he must have shown Charlie how to do it too.

While cooking dinner last night, things got way too quiet. Quiet is not a natural state for little boys. It ALWAYS signals big trouble. I ran downstairs, found both little guys in the storage room, Sam with cat litter stuck all over his head, and both with open bottles of acrylic paints in their hands. Because God had taken pity on me, miraculously the paint did not get anywhere else but in the bottles. Thank you Lord!

Sammy's head is still a little crusty this morning, despite vigorous scrubbing last night.

Life is always interesting around here!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Elvera

My siblings and I went to the funeral of our Great Aunt Elvera this morning. It was another sad occasion, and I felt particularly bad for my Grandma Rose, who not only had to bury a sister today, but had to do it on her birthday. Grandma is a young 87 today. I am hoping the rest of the day will bring her some happiness.

It was awfully strange being at an important family event without my parents there. I thought we pulled it off rather well, by remembering to order flowers and to give a memorial from our family. Sarah and I sat with our Grandma, and hoped we could kind of take the place of my mom and Aunt Connie, who are still in Ireland.

I did manage to squeeze in a trip to a teacher supply store before the funeral, as they were having their annual back to school teacher sale. I managed to save $15, which is great because it kills Jeff how much teachers have to spend out of their own pockets on their classrooms. Especially when we are paid such large buckets of money. Not!!!

Friday, July 25, 2008

From the Mouth of Babes...

Yesterday morning while I was getting the babies dressed, Jeff walked by on the way to the laundry room. He was shirtless, because I had forgotten to carry the clean laundry into our bedroom the night before. Here is the conversation that followed:

Sammy: Daddy so pretty!
Charlie: Yeah! Daddy pretty like a flower!
Sammy: We love you Daddy!

I think he's a stud too guys, but I've never thought of him in terms of "pretty".

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Swamp Thing

This is the muddy monster that climbed off the school bus into my car yesterday afternoon.



All of this happened while playing tug of war-in a mud pit. Can you think of anything more fun? The downside was that a bee stung Evan on the foot during the same event, but even that didn't seem to diminish his enthusiasm TOO much. So was it worth it? I think this picture tells it all.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Tidbits

Evan is having a fabulous time at camp. They cook over a campfire for lunch everyday, which he has been pretty impressed with, but his favorite activity so far has been the mudslide. I remember loving it too, and I am glad he let down his guard enough to get dirty. I don't think his clothes or socks will ever be clean again, but hey-it's worth it.

I am so proud of my hubby, who was promoted to manager of his department yesterday!! He has worked so hard for this, and I am just so excited for him! A big thank you to God too, for providing for our family.

Yesterday while getting dressed I noticed that my shorts were getting pretty loose. I took a deep breath and determined I would risk trying on a pair of shorts I haven't been able to squeeze into since before I became a baby factory. I try not to do this very often, because it's pretty depressing when they still don't fit, despite a lot of exercise and dieting. Low and behold, they fit! And they fit well, and were quite comfortable! I have now, after seven months of hard exercise managed to go down one dress size. Slow progress, admittedly, but progress none the less. Progress that gives me motivation to keep plugging along. Progress that makes me hopeful that although I am moving slowly due to my metabolic syndrome, I will someday get my pre-babies body back. Sometime before I am 40 would be nice.

I took my parents to the airport yesterday so they could leave on their trip of a lifetime to Ireland. They never had a honeymoon, so I am really excited for them. It is, however, a very strange feeling to have my parents out of the country. I am feeling like an independent adult for the first time. When something goes wrong with the house, who do we call? My dad. When I have a question about the kids, who do I call? My mom. I can't call them for the next 10 days. If something goes wrong, we have to handle completely by ourselves. Wow. Puts a whole new perspective on our unstable future here in Omaha. If we had to move, it would suck in ways I am just now imagining.

My great aunt Elvera died this morning. She lived with my Grandma Rose for most of my life, and as such she was like an extra grandma to me, doing lots of babysitting, hugging, and loving for all of us kids. With my mom and my Aunt Connie away in Ireland, my grandma is pretty upset about all of this, especially as it comes only two weeks after my great aunt Donna died. This is my family's fourth funeral of the summer. Enough is enough.

Sammy made my heart melt yesterday. We were driving to pick up Evan from the bus stop, and all of a sudden Sammy pipes up clear as a bell "I love you, Mommy!" There is nothing like the first time your child says that. It makes all the hard work worth it. I love you too, buddy!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I Love You Jeff!

Today is Jeff and my's 3rd wedding anniversary, and also the 5 year anniversary of our first date. It's been a whirlwind, and in so many ways I can't believe we have only been married 3 years. Just that short amount of time ago there was no Charlie, no Sammy, no house, just me and Evan.

Shortly before I met Jeff, I gave up on dating, and I gave up on ever finding the one for me. I remember breaking down in discouragement and giving everything over to God. I told Him I was getting nowhere trying to find the right guy myself, and that if it was in His plan for me to find a husband, I would let God pick him out. If not, that was okay too. About a month later, I met my wonderful husband. Not who I would have expected, but perfect for me in every way. Thank the good Lord I finally gave up trying to be in charge!

So, thank you Jeff for a wonderful 5 years, for teaching me so many things about myself, for putting up with me in all the bad times, for getting me through 2 rough pregnancies, for loving Evan as much as Charlie and Sammy, for being a wonderful leader for our family, for making me laugh everyday, and for loving me for who I am. I am honored and blessed to be your wife. Happy Anniversary!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Evan Goes to Camp

Evan has his first day of day camp today. We dropped him off this morning at the bus stop, watched him climb on the big yellow school bus, and waved while he drove away. This is only the second time in his life that he has gone to an activity where I or my mom haven't been on the premises with him. I have so far avoided the experience of leaving him places to have his own day, live his own life, be somewhere without me. I know, it's a good thing for a kid who's a 4th grader. Good for both of us. But boy, do I feel like someone has cut off my right arm. Just getting through the morning made me realize exactly how much that guy helps out around here.

I also felt like I was dropping him off for his first day of kindergarten (Evan's actual first day of kindergarten wasn't so bad for me, as I taught in the room next door, got to obsessively peak in the window at him, and saw him several times throughout the day). I know most moms have this experience much earlier, and I am lucky to have had the time/closeness that I've had, but it also made me think that maybe we both need more times like this. In October he is going to be the big 1-0, double digits. I guess it's getting to be time for him to start venturing out from the nest in small ways. Sniff, sniff.

I hope he's having a wonderful day, is making new friends, and isn't missing me one bit!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I Am So Selfish

I have been talking with my parents the last few weeks (okay I have been nagging) to get them to get some wills set up, and make some final arrangements. We have had so many relatives their age this summer either passing away or dealing with major health issues. They both have had health issues in the past anyway with my Mom's breast cancer and my dad's heart problems. I am also nervous about it because of my brother Ben, who has some special needs, and won't be able to live on his own independently. It has been the plan for awhile now that I will become Ben's guardian. I assumed this meant overseeing his medical issues, dealing with finances, keeping on top of issues for him. When I mentioned today finding a group home for him when they died, my Dad made it clear that he expects Ben to live with either Jeff and I or my sister and her husband.

It makes me feel like scum, but the truth is I do not want Ben to live with us. Jeff has his own medical issues that will probably get worse as he ages, we will be the sole people dealing with Jeff's dad as he gets older, and gosh darn it I would like at some point to live in a house with just my husband. Which we have never had. Sure, I'll be sad when my boys leave the nest, but another part of me will be doing a happy dance. I want to travel with Jeff, have fun with Jeff, and maybe have sex in the kitchen if we feel like it.

I talked with my sister briefly this afternoon and asked her if she wanted Ben. She and her hubby are going to think on it, but if they decide no (which I think is perfectly acceptable) than we have a big family argument heading our way. I hate conflict.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Monica!

Today Jeff and I headed up to Harlan sans kiddos for his Grandma Monica's 90th Birthday bash. They had a Mass at the house beforehand for the kids and grandkids, which was very nice and very personal. The Mass was said by Father Jim Kleffman, Jeff's uncle. Then we headed up to the Parish center at St. Michael's for a lunch catered by my all time favorite restaurant, Mickels. It was nice to spend time with Jeff's family, who are the nicest people. I really enjoy them.

I sat by Monica during lunch, as I had been appointed her helper (she is a little wobbly getting around) and as I was listening to friends and family come to give her birthday greetings, I noticed how many of them were women her age, and how all but one of these women were widows. Many of these women's husbands had died DECADES before them, one of them 25 ago. Can you imagine living that long without the love of your life? It made me depressed just to think about it.

I hope I have as many people to surround me when I am her age!

I am taking the NaBloPoMo challenge and trying to write a post a day for a month-we'll see how it goes! It might be full of daily humdrum, but I am up for a good challenge!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Christy is Healthy, but Her Kids Are Not

I went to the doctor on Wednesday for a six month check up on my cholesterol. When I had gone in at the beginning of January, we found out that my triglycerides and cholesterol levels were so high that I could have had a stroke. So, I have been struggling through LOTS of exercise, no real sugar (I am a Splenda junkie), not too many carbs, and low fat foods for the last 6 months. I was THRILLED to find that my Triglyceride levels went from 402 to 106, and my total cholesterol is down to 182. Of course, the many medications helped too, but I am so glad that the hard work paid off. If I keep it up, I should have many healthy years left to spend with my kiddos.

On the other hand, Charlie now has the fever that Sammy had over the weekend, Sammy has a sinus infection, and so does Evan. All three had an appointment this morning with the pediatrician, and then Walgreens cheered when they saw us coming to drop a few hundred in prescriptions. I guess it would be too much to ask to have all of us healthy at one time.

Sidebar-tomorrow is Jeff's grandma's 90th birthday party in Harlan. The announcement for it is in the Harlan Tribune. In the article they mention that Monica has 5 great grandchildren. Which means they included Evan in the count. It made me SO happy to read that, and know that the Kleffmans have completely taken Evan into their family. I cried of course, and have been smiling ever since. Even though my kids are dripping snot.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Oh My Glory

I had a session with my personal trainer yesterday. He has had me doing a lot of weight lifting and squats for awhile now, but yesterday he added a new twist. I have to stand on these things that look like half of an exercise ball while squatting or lifting. He says it is supposed to "engage your core muscles" and make the exercise harder.

Boy did it. I am so sore today that I can hardly take care of my children. It is torture to lower myself into a chair, and even more hellacious to get back up. My muscles are SCREAMING. I have never been this sore after working out before. I can't even go up and down stairs. Is this worth it? No, I think not.

I am off to soak in the jacuzzi, down some ibuprofen, and pray like hell this gets better by the morning.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Mommy Panic Attack

School is looming over our heads like the violent thunderstorm that is raging outside my window right now. It is making me SICK. SICK. SICK! I am so in love with being home with my little boys right now. I love being their everything during the day, the one to take care of all of their needs. I have been bursting into tears periodically over the last couple of days, when the thought of taking the kids to daycare hits me. I don't want to miss out on their time.

Jeff and I had our periodic "can I be a stay home mom?" conversation again last night, and it just isn't in the cards for us right now. We can't figure out a way to make it work for us. We are debt free right now, with only our house payment to worry about, and with the tough economic times and shaky situation at Jeff's company, it seems like it would be irresponsible to upset that balance right now. Which I hate.

I love my kids, and I just wish I could be with them all day. It's a shame that's outside of the realm of possibility for so many American families.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Fun With Dinosaurs

We went to the Children's Museum today to check out their dinosaur exhibit. I was a bit nervous about taking Charlie because my nephew Colin, who is 3, ended up being terrified of the life sized beasts when he went. Charlie was a bit hesitant at first, but was then completely enthralled. He loves any animal that roars, and his favorite jammies have dinos, so he was lovin' it. Even Evan had a blast, and he is getting bit old for the activities they have there. It was the perfect thing to do on a rainy Saturday morning.





And of course, as happens absolutely everywhere Jeff goes, we saw someone he knew from Harlan. The custodian from my school was there with his daughter and grandkids, so he stopped to say hello. Turns out they used to live in Harlan (I didn't know this) and his daughter was a year behind Jeff at Harlan High. (Do you know Erin Schmidt, Christi?) Small world, huh?

Friday, July 11, 2008

A Boost to My Ego...

I was just googling to help me find some 1st grade websites to get some new ideas for my classroom this year. I found a woman who had a list of her favorite 1st grade classroom websites. As I began clicking through them, I came across-ME! She had listed my classroom!

It was just what I needed as I am having my annual mid July panic attack about starting school.

Cuteness

Just a couple of pieces of cuteness from around here...

Yesterday, Sammy and Charlie played together for almost an hour without one argument! The game involved something about crashing trains. They sat at the top of the stairs and sent all of their Thomas the Train engines careening down the banister to crash on the landing. When they were all lying in a heap they would both shout "CRASH!" and laugh like hyenas. Then they would pick them all up and start again. Maybe there is hope for peace at our house.

This morning after digging into his breakfast with particular gusto, Sammy managed to spread food over every part of his body not covered by clothing. When he finished, he looked down at himself and then up at me and said clear as a bell, "I am a MESS!" Yes you were, buddy.

Thank God these little moments happen. They are what get mothers through the tough times.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Grandpa Dave

My Mom called last night with some bad news. My Grandpa, who has been in a nursing home for the last five years dealing with Alzheimer Disease, is failing. He hasn't eaten or drank any fluids for over two days, and his circulation is starting to shut down. They are going to do some blood tests this morning to try and determine what is wrong and how much time might be left. Because of the Alzheimers, he has a directive to not have any life saving measures, so my mom and the nurse on his floor are guessing he will pass away within the week.

My Grandma Rose is actually in Kansas City staying with my aunt, so there is a mad dash to get her home so she can be with him.

I haven't had a grandparent die since 1993, when I was only 16-not looking forward to it happening again. It is turning out to be a summer of funerals for us.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Todller Mayhem

When my sister and I were younger, my Mom used to drill into us the positives of breast feeding (she was a huge proponent-not in a crazy LaLeche League kind of way, but definitely a big believer in it). One of her major points was that it helped to naturally space out your children. I tried breastfeeding with all of them, and it didn't work out. My babies were never able to latch on correctly and were lazy eaters, and ended up loosing to much weight, and I had to stop all three times (they ended up having a hard time with bottles as well).

I wish to God that it had worked out for me. There is a definite reason God devised this system to help moms space their kids. I can personally testify to the fact that it is a very bad idea to have two kids 10 months apart, and it is called YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TWO TODDLERS AT ONCE IN YOUR HOUSE. My respect for parents of multiples is immense. I could not survive it. I know this because I am barely surviving the chaos at our house named Charlie and Sammy.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if one was a boy and the other a girl. Or even two girls. But the combination of two boys that close in age, one also being VERY strong willed has proved to be a disaster this summer. Charlie by himself does okay, although very prone to temper tantrums and trying all available measures to get his way. Sammy by himself is the most peaceful, calm, loving child in the world. Put them in the same room and chaos reigns. They incite each other to push the limits and rules in ways that they don't even think of alone. The tempers and rivalries for toys, attention, everything means constant fighting and drag out fights. I can't get anything done or have a moment of peace because I am constantly handing out discipline. We try to separate them as much as possible, which helps, but puts an undue burden on Evan. As the oldest when I was younger, I remember lots of days of having to help Mom ride herd on her crew too, but I don't want Evan to have to constantly be helping either.

Jeff and I have to sit down regularly and lay out strategies for discipline and handling daily routines because it doesn't take the dynamic duo long to outsmart their parents, especially their mother. I think that they know what pushes my buttons, and they can tag team it to do what will bug me most.

Raising boys is no picnic. Especially when there are a group of them. I love them dearly, but I. AM. TIRED.

Monday, July 07, 2008

31

Today I am 31 years old. Holy Cow.

I really think turning 31 is worse than turning 30, because now it can be said that I am in my thirties. I am not sure how I feel about that. It seems so grown up, and to be honest, I don't feel grown up enough to be in my thirties.

I did have a nice day though. Jeff took the day off of work so I could have some time to myself which is truly the best gift I could receive. Evan and I headed to the gym around 9:15. I worked out for a good long while first, and then we spent from 10:45 to 2:30 at the pool. It was fabulously blissful to sit in the sun and relax. THANK YOU JEFF!

It was nice to be home with all of my guys afterwards, when even Charlie told me "Happy Birfday Mommy!" Sammy said his own name for the first time today, which was a nice milestone for my birthday.

The only bad part was that DeAnna chose Jesse of all people on the Bachelorette. I can not believe it!!! I had such a crush on Jason.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Monica

In a sobering turn around from the holiday yesterday, Jeff and I drove up to Portsmouth Iowa today for the funeral of his Uncle Joe Kleffman. Joe was only 60 years old, and had died of heart attack last Sunday. Even though I had only met Joe once, the funeral was a very moving one. Joe had served two tours of duty in Vietnam with the Marines, so at the graveside service there were saluting Marines in dress uniform, a 21 gun salute, and a bugle player playing Taps. It was such a moving moment to see them fold the flag and give it to Joe's mom, Monica.

Grandma Monica was my inspiration today. I was next to her several times today as friends and relatives came to offer hugs and condolences. She always looked up with a smile and said "I've had a bad couple of days, but I am going to get through. The Lord always takes care of me, and I know he's taking care of Joe." She then proceeded to thank the guests, and offer THEM comfort! Despite the fact that she was burying her child without the shoulder of her husband to lean on, she was gracious, kind, and loving. She is absolutely an amazing woman. I wish I had 1/2 of her strength and faith.

The cemetery in Portsmouth is a beautiful one. It sits at the top of a hill, and looks out over acres and acres of farmland. It was so quiet and peaceful, and almost comforting. I also have several relatives buried there, but had never been there myself. Jeff and my's families are both from the same area of Iowa, and so my great grandparents and Aunt Janice are buried there. Strange how our paths cross.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Not Much

Not a whole lot of new news lately, just a lot of little mundane things.

Charlie had the mother of all temper tantrums on the way out of the gym today. There is a cafe right before you hit the door, and one time-ONE TIME-I bought the kids lunch there since we were leaving kind of late. Now Charlie is beside himself every blessed time we walk past if he doesn't get any pizza. It makes me not want to do anything special since he then expects it all the time.

Jeff's uncle Joe died on Sunday night, and so we are going up to Portsmouth on Saturday for the funeral. I had only met him once, at our wedding, but it makes me so sad for Jeff's grandma to have to bury a child. It will put a damper I am sure on her 90th birthday celebration which is coming up later in the month.

Sammy has learned to name and identify the parts of his face, which is always cute, and because of Charlie's fascination with numbers and letters, he has learned several letters and colors. I guess it does pay to be so close to your older sibling. He's learning a lot of things faster than the other two did.

Charlie and Sammy have really started acting like brothers, and our living room is frequently turned into a WWF ring. There is a lot of sitting on, rolling on top of, friendly punching, and shrieks of laughter. Actually, Evan frequently gets in on the deal, and as lamps teeter precariously and toys go flying I wonder how I (and my house) am going to survive the next 20 years. There is WAY to much testosterone in our house.

The 4th of July is this week. I hate this holiday for purely unrelated reasons. To me, it means the mid-point of summer, and I am so not ready to think about going back. Argh.

On an upnote, my clothes are starting to feel a lot looser. I am trying not to focus on the numbers of my weight a lot, just on how I look and feel. I am weighed regularly at the gym by my trainer, and at the beginning I told him that I didn't want to know the total, just the gains or losses, which of course led me to divulge my anorexic past. Which is a ridiculous thing to have to talk about to someone who didn't know you then, and only sees your overweight self. I could see him asking himself if that still mattered, so then I started to ask myself that. Has it gone away? Enough to matter-yes. I don't daily feel the urge to count calories anymore, or to weigh myself 20 times a day. But I strongly feel this is because I know where to tread gently, and what not to do. Sometimes though, I can still feel it lurking in the background. Like when I look in the mirror. I will always wonder whether or not I am seeing an accurate picture of me, or the grossly overexagerated fat version of me my brain is awfully fond of. It is amazing to me what your brain can project and trick you with. I can tell you that when I weighed 90 pounds in high school, I honestly saw a 350 pound person reflected in the mirror. I can also feel snatches of it when exercising-I start to feel that high you can get while working out (which is perfectly normal) that does strange things to me. It makes me want to keep going when I know I should stop. It makes me want to workout again later in the day when I know that would be excessive. It makes me worry a little as I begin to see progress from my efforts that the high of it will bring back other things. So far reason has prevailed and I have been in control. I don't obsess about it happening, but it is weird to fell that pull. So does it go away? No, even when you are overweight. I wish people could understand that, but that's just wishful thinking.

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