Monday, September 15, 2008

Not as over it as I thought...

My wonderful, awesome, stupendous cousin Ryan and his wife Ashley found out on Friday that the baby they are expecting is a girl. I am so happy for them. They will be the best parents ever, and I can totally see Ryan with a "daddy's little girl".

I happily thought about their news for about half an hour. And then, I burst into tears. Not happy tears. Horrible, green with jealousy tears. And then it got worse, and I started sobbing. Poor Jeff! Right before we were supposed to leave to go on our first date in months, to celebrate his birthday, I loose it.

I crave a baby girl. I long for a daughter. I grieve for the daughter I will never have. I cry for that relationship I will never experience.

I love my boys. I am so thankful that I was able to have 3 healthy children. I know I am blessed. But, I guess I am not over not getting a girl. Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe it makes me a whiner. But it's just the plain truth.

What's especially hard about the situation is that Jeff doesn't even begin to understand or empathize with what I feel. How could he? He has three sons. He doesn't want to talk about it, as he doesn't want more kids. A part of me knows we don't need anymore. But, the irrational, girly, Mommy, emotional part of me just knows a horrible emptiness that my boys, however much I love them, just can't fill.

I ache for the little girl I always dreamed of, who never came to be.

2 comments:

Adam said...

:(

I'm sorry to hear how sad this makes you.

You can always do what my mom did. Dress up the youngest in girl clothes.

Just kidding! My mom didn't do that. She just waited for a granddaughter. (And then ignore the grandson.)

I don't understand why people always assume that guys always want boys. I always wanted a little girl!

Maybe you can adopt? Can you specify gender when you adopt?

Tena said...

OMG! I swear I could have written this very blog entry. Like you I am the only girl in this house, 3 boys and a husband. My BIL and his wife just had a baby girl ( she was a delivery surprise, so none of us knew it was going to be a girl), and like you I was thrilled and than by the evening I was ubber jealous!

It has been a few weeks now, and I am okay with it now, and am back to loving my spot in the family with all boys, not sure I could share the spot light with another female!
LOL
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