Not as over it as I thought...

My wonderful, awesome, stupendous cousin Ryan and his wife Ashley found out on Friday that the baby they are expecting is a girl. I am so happy for them. They will be the best parents ever, and I can totally see Ryan with a "daddy's little girl".

I happily thought about their news for about half an hour. And then, I burst into tears. Not happy tears. Horrible, green with jealousy tears. And then it got worse, and I started sobbing. Poor Jeff! Right before we were supposed to leave to go on our first date in months, to celebrate his birthday, I loose it.

I crave a baby girl. I long for a daughter. I grieve for the daughter I will never have. I cry for that relationship I will never experience.

I love my boys. I am so thankful that I was able to have 3 healthy children. I know I am blessed. But, I guess I am not over not getting a girl. Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe it makes me a whiner. But it's just the plain truth.

What's especially hard about the situation is that Jeff doesn't even begin to understand or empathize with what I feel. How could he? He has three sons. He doesn't want to talk about it, as he doesn't want more kids. A part of me knows we don't need anymore. But, the irrational, girly, Mommy, emotional part of me just knows a horrible emptiness that my boys, however much I love them, just can't fill.

I ache for the little girl I always dreamed of, who never came to be.