The Blahs

The last couple of days I have been REALLY depressed. It is bad enough that last night I was hit with a killer migraine and I am waking up in the middle of the night overwhelmed with waves of sadness, and then I just can't get back to sleep. This is really not like me, so that is depressing me further. I thought maybe if I blogged about it, that would help...


My Maternity Leave is Over Tomorrow: This is not something I am hugely stressing out over, but it does make me sad. I have so loved spending this time with Charlie, but it has also made things easier on the rest of the family and my marriage. I have more time for fun things and family time with Evan because I can get chores and errands done when he is at school, instead of cramming everything into the weekend. I have more time to spend with Jeff because being up a little later didn't bother me when I knew I could take a nap if needed the next day. This has been wonderful for my relationship with Jeff, even something simple like going to bed at the same time as your partner and having a little end of the day snuggle/chat means a lot. Now that I am back to getting up at 5:30 (after being up with the baby 1-2 times during the night) it is definitely off to bed earlier for me!

I Hate My Husband's Job: Jeff has been having to put in incredible hours for the last two months. This includes some weekends going in both Saturday and Sunday for 6-7 hours, and most week nights not being home until after 8. (Last night the poor thing worked until 9:30!) This is not Jeff's fault, there is nothing he can do about it, and I am not mad at him for it (in fact I feel really sorry for him). The fact is though that for most of Charlie's life, I have felt like I am back to being a single parent. I miss Jeff like crazy, and sometimes if I am frustrated or having a bad day, it would be nice to just have some time together, but it makes me sad that I will probably only have an hour or so with him. I have tried really hard to be supportive of him, because I love him so much, and I know it can't be helped. That doesn't mean that it doesn't depress me not to see him, or have him as a major part of our family. Right now, the boys go sometimes for 2 days without seeing him.

My Mother-in-law Makes Me Feel Anorexic: My MIL came to visit us last weekend and to meet the baby. She has never been anything but nice to me, so I am disgusted with myself that I have this reaction to her. I know that this disorder is something I will deal with for the rest of my life, and I hate that. There are still some foods, situations, and people, that for reasons I can't explain and don't understand make me feel like bingeing, purging, or starving myself (or worse a combination of all three). This includes peanut butter sandwiches, Lays Potato Chips, holiday dinners, looking at myself too long in the mirror, people from high school that I felt intimidated by ( a major reason I didn't attend my 10 year reunion), and now my MIL. I know that anorexia is not something that has logical explanations so I have given up trying to figure out why I feel this way when I see her, but it makes me feel terrible. For some reason, it has been really bad since I had Charlie. The bad part about one of these episodes is that it triggers thought patterns in my head, and I start having a lot of self hatred and negative self talk. It is really hard for me to get myself out of it. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to talk with Jeff a whole lot through this because we haven't had much time together. On the other hand, since we haven't eaten dinner together, this has allowed me to feed the kids seperately and then eat dinner locked in my bedroom. I know that is ridiculous, but it helps to get through an episode by eating in private for a bit. I feel stupid talking to someone about these things because I so obviously don't look like I have an eating disorder anymore.

Saying Goodbye to Old Friends Sucks: I won't go on about this, but drifting apart from that old friend I talked about the other day has really made me feel like someone has died, or at least a part of me has died.


Anyway, I guess it is a combination of all of these things that is getting me down. I am wondering if there isn't also some post partum depression worked in there somewhere as well. I am hoping that writing about it and getting it out of my system helps.