Just popping in to tell you about this GREAT cause, this WONDERFUL little boy with Down's Syndrome who YOU can help, just like I did.
His name is Cliff, and he is alone in an orphanage in Eastern Europe. A blogger named Janette is helping to raise money for Cliff's adoption grant fund, so that when he finds his forever family, their expenses will be paid for.
Please read about him here.
Won't you join me in helping him?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Good Bye 2010
I have very mixed feelings about the departure of 2010. It was far and above the WORST year of my life. It did bring the arrival of my nephew Grant, but this was it's only redeeming quality. August 2010 included my Dad's disastrous surgery. The next 8 weeks held a miserable struggle for him as he worked to heal and recover. (Although it was so hard to watch him be so uncomfortable and in pain, I will be forever thankful for this extra time I had to tell him how much I loved him.) And of course, September brought his death, an event I don't know if I will ever really recover from.
For these reasons I am not sorry to see 2010 go. 2011 has to be better, right?
On the other hand, this is the last year that held my Dad's presence in my life in a physical way. I am so scared to leave that behind and face a whole year without him.
I spent some time this morning looking back at my 2010 goals that I set back on January 1st. They included home sanctuary, health, and relationships. I am going to stick with these again this year, as I don't feel like I did a very good job at most of it. Sanctuary is definitely the hardest for me. This year brought a change in schedule for us, as all three boys became old enough to become involved in activities. Although I limited the boys to one activity each, it still made our evenings after school crazy! This has made for my most difficult year trying to balance work, family time, and household tasks. It left me with precious little time for working to make our home a clean and relaxing space. This is a whole post in itself, but I really feel sometimes that women got a raw deal from the feminist movement of the 60s. Sure we can have better paying jobs, but this created an economic situation where most women need to have jobs to support their families. Now we have full time jobs on top of all the responsibilities that women have always had....raising the kids and managing the household. It's like having three or four full time jobs at once. And I am standing here in front of you admitting I am not very good at handling and balancing all of that.
Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. I am going to keep trying in 2011 to achieve balance, and find time to create sanctuary.
I learned a lot in the relationship area this year. I learned you never know when you won't get to see someone again. I told my Dad in his birthday card that our experience with his surgery taught me to never waste an opportunity to say I love you, to give a hug, or to appreciate. I am going to work hard to never forget this, and carry this forward into 2011 and beyond.
Health also took on a new perspective as my siblings and I all realized the genetic woes that are stacked against us. I found out I am in a dangerously high risk group for heart attack with my high cholesterol problems and genetic history. I got a treadmill, and changed my diet even further. I finally, finally, finally lost 10 pounds. I am hoping for more in the coming year.
I'm going to keep plugging away at these goals this year, and I'm going to forgive myself for not being perfect at achieving them last year. I am working every day to remember it's okay to be human and not super woman.
I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year's Eve tonight, and more importantly a wonderful 2011! Thanks for spending some of your time (which I know is precious!) to be with me here at The Sole Woman. You are part of what makes the adventure fun for me.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For these reasons I am not sorry to see 2010 go. 2011 has to be better, right?
On the other hand, this is the last year that held my Dad's presence in my life in a physical way. I am so scared to leave that behind and face a whole year without him.
I spent some time this morning looking back at my 2010 goals that I set back on January 1st. They included home sanctuary, health, and relationships. I am going to stick with these again this year, as I don't feel like I did a very good job at most of it. Sanctuary is definitely the hardest for me. This year brought a change in schedule for us, as all three boys became old enough to become involved in activities. Although I limited the boys to one activity each, it still made our evenings after school crazy! This has made for my most difficult year trying to balance work, family time, and household tasks. It left me with precious little time for working to make our home a clean and relaxing space. This is a whole post in itself, but I really feel sometimes that women got a raw deal from the feminist movement of the 60s. Sure we can have better paying jobs, but this created an economic situation where most women need to have jobs to support their families. Now we have full time jobs on top of all the responsibilities that women have always had....raising the kids and managing the household. It's like having three or four full time jobs at once. And I am standing here in front of you admitting I am not very good at handling and balancing all of that.
Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. I am going to keep trying in 2011 to achieve balance, and find time to create sanctuary.
I learned a lot in the relationship area this year. I learned you never know when you won't get to see someone again. I told my Dad in his birthday card that our experience with his surgery taught me to never waste an opportunity to say I love you, to give a hug, or to appreciate. I am going to work hard to never forget this, and carry this forward into 2011 and beyond.
Health also took on a new perspective as my siblings and I all realized the genetic woes that are stacked against us. I found out I am in a dangerously high risk group for heart attack with my high cholesterol problems and genetic history. I got a treadmill, and changed my diet even further. I finally, finally, finally lost 10 pounds. I am hoping for more in the coming year.
I'm going to keep plugging away at these goals this year, and I'm going to forgive myself for not being perfect at achieving them last year. I am working every day to remember it's okay to be human and not super woman.
I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year's Eve tonight, and more importantly a wonderful 2011! Thanks for spending some of your time (which I know is precious!) to be with me here at The Sole Woman. You are part of what makes the adventure fun for me.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Merry Christmas!
I can't believe another Christmas Day has passed, in the blink of an eye. I am sad to see it go...I love the holiday season so much! We had a wonderful day yesterday, filled with:
Brotherly Love
Handsome boys ready for church on Christmas Eve (with Evan singing in the choir!)
New family members
Handsome boys ready for church on Christmas Eve (with Evan singing in the choir!)
New family members
Celebrating Christmas Eve at my Mom's house... It was nice to be together, but also much harder than I thought it would be without Dad there. It was so hard to not have him with us, but we made it through one more "first". We made it through together, as a family.
More new family members...this is Lindsey, my brother's infinitely awesome girlfriend. She feels like she has been my sister forever. There are so many things that make her fit into our family perfectly, and it feels like God sent her to us as a gift.
Christmas morning Christmas Trees...
Boys ready to open gifts
...and Hot cocoa and Christmas cookies for breakfast
It was a good holiday, and we felt surrounded by family and love. If you celebrated Christmas yesterday as well, I hope that you had a wonderful day! I count all of you that come here to read my little corner of the blogosphere as one of my Christmas blessings. THANK YOU for spending time with me here at the Sole Woman!
More new family members...this is Lindsey, my brother's infinitely awesome girlfriend. She feels like she has been my sister forever. There are so many things that make her fit into our family perfectly, and it feels like God sent her to us as a gift.
Christmas morning Christmas Trees...
Boys ready to open gifts
...and Hot cocoa and Christmas cookies for breakfast
It was a good holiday, and we felt surrounded by family and love. If you celebrated Christmas yesterday as well, I hope that you had a wonderful day! I count all of you that come here to read my little corner of the blogosphere as one of my Christmas blessings. THANK YOU for spending time with me here at the Sole Woman!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Happy Anniversary
Today would have been my parent's 36th wedding anniversary.
I have been thinking about my Dad, and my parent's marriage all day long. One of the biggest blessings that God has given me is my parent's example of marriage. My Dad and Mom were always loving and kind to each other. I can only remember them arguing in front of us kids once when I was growing up. This doesn't mean they didn't have differing opinions, but they were so respectful and kind to each other when they did.
My Dad always spoiled my Mom on special days like birthdays and anniversaries, but he did special things for her in the everyday moments too. He provided me with a wonderful example of what a husband can be, should be, and needs to be. His example helped lead me to Jeff, and I am so thankful.
When my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary, my siblings and I surprised them with an anniversary party, complete with all of their friends and family. It is one of the few times we were really able to pull one off on my Dad. I will never forget his expression of shock as he walked in the door to my house and saw everyone gathered there to celebrate them. We thought we would be able to do a bigger more formal party for them when they made it to their 40th or 50th anniversary, but it turned out to be our only opportunity. I am so grateful that God gave us the inspiration to throw them that party. I am also grateful that we had a friend who is also a photographer take pictures of that night. They are treasures to me now.
I wish that my parents had been able to celebrate many more anniversaries together. But I am so lucky to have been a witness to the 35 1/2 years they were together.
I have been thinking about my Dad, and my parent's marriage all day long. One of the biggest blessings that God has given me is my parent's example of marriage. My Dad and Mom were always loving and kind to each other. I can only remember them arguing in front of us kids once when I was growing up. This doesn't mean they didn't have differing opinions, but they were so respectful and kind to each other when they did.
My Dad always spoiled my Mom on special days like birthdays and anniversaries, but he did special things for her in the everyday moments too. He provided me with a wonderful example of what a husband can be, should be, and needs to be. His example helped lead me to Jeff, and I am so thankful.
When my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary, my siblings and I surprised them with an anniversary party, complete with all of their friends and family. It is one of the few times we were really able to pull one off on my Dad. I will never forget his expression of shock as he walked in the door to my house and saw everyone gathered there to celebrate them. We thought we would be able to do a bigger more formal party for them when they made it to their 40th or 50th anniversary, but it turned out to be our only opportunity. I am so grateful that God gave us the inspiration to throw them that party. I am also grateful that we had a friend who is also a photographer take pictures of that night. They are treasures to me now.
I wish that my parents had been able to celebrate many more anniversaries together. But I am so lucky to have been a witness to the 35 1/2 years they were together.
I love you Mom and Dad. You are both my heroes.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Are you making a New Year's Resolution?
Unbelievably, we only have 11 more days of 2010. I have some major issues with this, but that is a whole other post for later in the week.
In the meantime, I am thinking about New Year's Resolutions. One of mine is to spend more time with God, through his words in the Bible. I discovered when I read through the Bible this year that I am a better person when I spend time each day with God. I am going to be reading through the Bible, cover to cover, beginning on January 3rd.
I would love it if you would join me! You can read more about how to sign up here.
You can read about how I felt when I finished this program for the first time this fall here.
I am so excited about reading with the people who have already signed up! I am praying for each of you already. I encourage those of you who have signed up to start thinking about how you will fit in reading time everyday. What changes will you make in your schedule? I have found for me that it helps to break the reading up as I go through the day. I often read a couple pages here and there when the kids were occupied, or even when I was waiting for something to come out of the microwave. Other readers have told me that they did best when they blocked out a large chunk of time to accomplish all 12 pages for the day. (And 12 pages is it! That's all for each day! It makes it seem so much more like a manageable task when you think of it this way.)
I am hoping many of you will join me!! It will change your life, I promise.
In the meantime, I am thinking about New Year's Resolutions. One of mine is to spend more time with God, through his words in the Bible. I discovered when I read through the Bible this year that I am a better person when I spend time each day with God. I am going to be reading through the Bible, cover to cover, beginning on January 3rd.
I would love it if you would join me! You can read more about how to sign up here.
You can read about how I felt when I finished this program for the first time this fall here.
I am so excited about reading with the people who have already signed up! I am praying for each of you already. I encourage those of you who have signed up to start thinking about how you will fit in reading time everyday. What changes will you make in your schedule? I have found for me that it helps to break the reading up as I go through the day. I often read a couple pages here and there when the kids were occupied, or even when I was waiting for something to come out of the microwave. Other readers have told me that they did best when they blocked out a large chunk of time to accomplish all 12 pages for the day. (And 12 pages is it! That's all for each day! It makes it seem so much more like a manageable task when you think of it this way.)
I am hoping many of you will join me!! It will change your life, I promise.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wrapping Frenzy!
I am done with my Christmas shopping, but I haven't wrapped ONE.SINGLE.THING!
All the gifts are piled up in my secret hiding spot, just waiting. Have I ever told you that I don't have much patience for jobs that take a long time? I have lots of kid patience. Give me a room filled with kids, and I can wade through the worst of problems with buckets of patience. Give me a lot of vegetables to chop, cookies to bake, rooms to paint, or lots of presents to wrap, and I want to pull my hair out. I feel so overwhelmed with jobs that will take more than an hour, that I don't even want to start.
Which is why my secret hiding spot is making me anxious. The thought of all that wrapping is making my skin crawl.
I know what some of you are thinking...use a gift bag Christy.
But I just can't.
When I was little, the big magic of Christmas morning for me was presents to unwrap, all in a jumble under the tree. My Mom, God bless her, was much more practical with four kids. She used a lot of gift bags, and when we woke up on Christmas morning, each child had their own very organized pile of presents set somewhere in the room to make for easy opening.
As a Mom myself, I can understand where she was coming from, but I have this compulsion to give my kids that jumble under the tree, and the unwrapping experience. (Don't get me wrong...I know the presents aren't the most important part. But they are fun, right?!)
Tonight, after my little munchkins are tucked in their beds, I am going to make myself tackle that pile. I wish I could ask Jeff to help, but he has always wrapped his gifts in garbage bags. Unfortunately, I am not kidding. He's lucky I found him to be the nicest, smartest, most handsomest man otherwise that first Christmas we had when we were dating when he gave me a diamond necklace in a garbage bag might have been the end. Instead, I laughed and laughed. And I still laugh when he gives me his gift every year.
All the gifts are piled up in my secret hiding spot, just waiting. Have I ever told you that I don't have much patience for jobs that take a long time? I have lots of kid patience. Give me a room filled with kids, and I can wade through the worst of problems with buckets of patience. Give me a lot of vegetables to chop, cookies to bake, rooms to paint, or lots of presents to wrap, and I want to pull my hair out. I feel so overwhelmed with jobs that will take more than an hour, that I don't even want to start.
Which is why my secret hiding spot is making me anxious. The thought of all that wrapping is making my skin crawl.
I know what some of you are thinking...use a gift bag Christy.
But I just can't.
When I was little, the big magic of Christmas morning for me was presents to unwrap, all in a jumble under the tree. My Mom, God bless her, was much more practical with four kids. She used a lot of gift bags, and when we woke up on Christmas morning, each child had their own very organized pile of presents set somewhere in the room to make for easy opening.
As a Mom myself, I can understand where she was coming from, but I have this compulsion to give my kids that jumble under the tree, and the unwrapping experience. (Don't get me wrong...I know the presents aren't the most important part. But they are fun, right?!)
Tonight, after my little munchkins are tucked in their beds, I am going to make myself tackle that pile. I wish I could ask Jeff to help, but he has always wrapped his gifts in garbage bags. Unfortunately, I am not kidding. He's lucky I found him to be the nicest, smartest, most handsomest man otherwise that first Christmas we had when we were dating when he gave me a diamond necklace in a garbage bag might have been the end. Instead, I laughed and laughed. And I still laugh when he gives me his gift every year.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
And so this is Christmas...
I have been missing my little blog. I didn't mean to neglect it this month, but December? It's been crazy.
I know it's crazy for everybody, and I shouldn't complain. Not all of it has been bad crazy. There have been good moments, like Evan singing in a trio at the 6-8 Christmas concert at school.
Or when Charlie and Sammy sang their preschool Christmas program, and neither were scared to perform. Sammy now loves to walk around the house singing "Up On the Housetop", which is cuter than anything.
Or when my aunts, mom, and sister and I all got together and baked our brains out, and made hundreds of Christmas goodies, all in one day.
Or when I sang with the choir at Mass for my first performance sing my Dad died. Music lifts my spirit, and singing in church makes me feel surrounded by God's love. It's been so very healing.
Or when I got to spend my very favorite three weeks of the year with my class at school. There is nothing more magical than spending time with small children in December. I love my 1st graders. They've helped me to heal too.
Or when I got to go out to dinner with a good friend, and just talk. I love girl time.
There have also been ear aches, sinus infections, bronchitis, and crazy schedules, but I guess in looking back, I notice the good makes up for the crazy.
The good also helps to make up a little bit for the grief. I miss my Dad. SO much. Of course, it is harder around the holidays, but the every day things are so much harder to me. I wanted him to see Evan sing (and I prayed like crazy that he could peek down from heaven and see Evan, so brave up on that stage...and I really think he did). I want to call him on the phone and ask him a question. I want to see him at church. I want to drink coffee with him at breakfast on Sunday. I want to tell him I love him.
I'm getting by. I'm still excited about Christmas, mostly because my kids are excited. I still feel joy and happiness in my life and my family. But December would be so much better with Dad here with me. Maybe that's selfish, because I know how much joy he must be experiencing in heaven. The glory of Christmas in heaven must be incredible! I just wish we had gotten to have a little more time together here on Earth first.
I know it's crazy for everybody, and I shouldn't complain. Not all of it has been bad crazy. There have been good moments, like Evan singing in a trio at the 6-8 Christmas concert at school.
Or when Charlie and Sammy sang their preschool Christmas program, and neither were scared to perform. Sammy now loves to walk around the house singing "Up On the Housetop", which is cuter than anything.
Or when my aunts, mom, and sister and I all got together and baked our brains out, and made hundreds of Christmas goodies, all in one day.
Or when I sang with the choir at Mass for my first performance sing my Dad died. Music lifts my spirit, and singing in church makes me feel surrounded by God's love. It's been so very healing.
Or when I got to spend my very favorite three weeks of the year with my class at school. There is nothing more magical than spending time with small children in December. I love my 1st graders. They've helped me to heal too.
Or when I got to go out to dinner with a good friend, and just talk. I love girl time.
There have also been ear aches, sinus infections, bronchitis, and crazy schedules, but I guess in looking back, I notice the good makes up for the crazy.
The good also helps to make up a little bit for the grief. I miss my Dad. SO much. Of course, it is harder around the holidays, but the every day things are so much harder to me. I wanted him to see Evan sing (and I prayed like crazy that he could peek down from heaven and see Evan, so brave up on that stage...and I really think he did). I want to call him on the phone and ask him a question. I want to see him at church. I want to drink coffee with him at breakfast on Sunday. I want to tell him I love him.
I'm getting by. I'm still excited about Christmas, mostly because my kids are excited. I still feel joy and happiness in my life and my family. But December would be so much better with Dad here with me. Maybe that's selfish, because I know how much joy he must be experiencing in heaven. The glory of Christmas in heaven must be incredible! I just wish we had gotten to have a little more time together here on Earth first.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Exciting Announcement!
If you've been a regular reader around here, you might remember that this summer I completed the Bible in 90 Days online reading program along with Amy at Mom's Toolbox. It was the most incredible experience for me, and ended up being one of the things that helped me through my Dad's death the most. I can't recommend doing the Bible in 90 Days program enough!
In fact, a new session is set to begin on January 3rd, 2011. And this time, not only will I be reading the Bible in 90 Days again, I will be serving as a mentor for one of the groups reading through the Bible in 90 Days. I would be thrilled to have you join me!
To sign up, please visit here. When you complete the sign up form, you can indicate that you would like to be assigned to my reading group, if you would like for me to be your mentor. You are also able to join the program and be randomly assigned a mentor. The sign up goes live at midnight on Monday, November 29th.
I will be praying right away for every person who may be considering beginning this journey. It may seem like an overwhelming task at first, but the program does an outstanding job of dividing the daily reading assignments into very manageable chunks. If even have an inkling that God is calling you to read the entire Bible, I encourage you to pray about the Bible in 90 Days program. It is an amazing experience, and I guarantee you won't regret it!
Won't you join me?
In fact, a new session is set to begin on January 3rd, 2011. And this time, not only will I be reading the Bible in 90 Days again, I will be serving as a mentor for one of the groups reading through the Bible in 90 Days. I would be thrilled to have you join me!
To sign up, please visit here. When you complete the sign up form, you can indicate that you would like to be assigned to my reading group, if you would like for me to be your mentor. You are also able to join the program and be randomly assigned a mentor. The sign up goes live at midnight on Monday, November 29th.
I will be praying right away for every person who may be considering beginning this journey. It may seem like an overwhelming task at first, but the program does an outstanding job of dividing the daily reading assignments into very manageable chunks. If even have an inkling that God is calling you to read the entire Bible, I encourage you to pray about the Bible in 90 Days program. It is an amazing experience, and I guarantee you won't regret it!
Won't you join me?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Happy 4th Birthday Sammy!
You will always be the perfect addition to our family. I love you forever Sammy K!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Welcome Home Aspen!
This past weekend we were blessed with a new addition to our family. His name is Aspen, and he is an Alaskan Husky. He is one of the biggest dogs I've ever met, which should make me nervous, since big dogs have always intimidated me a bit. The only way to describe Aspen though is as a gentle giant. He is so calm, so friendly, and so laid back. He never barks, never has accidents in the house, and never jumps on people. He never goes for your crotch like so many dogs I know. He is a gentleman.
Most importantly, Aspen loves my kids. He has especially bonded with Evan. Aspen follows Evan all over the house, and sleeps in his room. The other night when Evan didn't feel well, he sat with his head on Evan's bed for over an hour, just looking into Evan's sleeping face. He took a break to eat dinner, and then went right back to Evan, and curled up on the floor next to the bed. You could just tell that he was worried about Evan.
He lets Charlie and Sammy love on him in their not always gentle preschool way. They both like to watch TV with their heads on his stomach, and Aspen just lays there patiently. He is one of the best dogs I've ever met.
We are blessed to have him.
He lets Charlie and Sammy love on him in their not always gentle preschool way. They both like to watch TV with their heads on his stomach, and Aspen just lays there patiently. He is one of the best dogs I've ever met.
We are blessed to have him.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Lovin' Norah Jones
As my family and I have been working on returning to "normal" life and healing from the hurts of the last 4 months, we have turned to music over and over again to help us heal. Sometimes we choose praise and worship music when we need to feel Jesus by our side. Sometimes we choose fast and upbeat dance songs, so we can help our hearts to feel happy again. Sometimes we choose silly kids songs to help us think about other things. And sometimes we choose slow and mellow, for the times when we are exhausted from just putting one foot in front of the other.
This week we added a new album to the slow and mellow category. Norah Jones' new album called "Featuring".
I have always loved Norah Jones' smooth voice. It's so relaxing to listen to. Her new album features songs that she has collaborated on with other artists, including some of my favorites: Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, (can you tell I love classic country?) and the Foo Fighters. All of the songs are smooth, mellow, and delicious. I love how all of the songs have a slightly different feel and flavor, depending on the collaborating artist.
This album has been my companion this week as I have worked up to facing a major holiday without my Dad. When I've needed to calm and center myself, Norah has been there to help. Music has always been a central part of my life, whether through band, various choirs, or just listening to my favorites on my iPod (or Walkman back in the day!) It's what I turn to to deal with emotions. I am thankful to have found another "go to" CD.
For more information on the album, you can go to:
The Norah Jones Site
Norah Jones on You Tube
Disclaimer: I was provided a free copy of Norah Jones' "Featuring" by the One 2 One Network.
This week we added a new album to the slow and mellow category. Norah Jones' new album called "Featuring".
I have always loved Norah Jones' smooth voice. It's so relaxing to listen to. Her new album features songs that she has collaborated on with other artists, including some of my favorites: Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, (can you tell I love classic country?) and the Foo Fighters. All of the songs are smooth, mellow, and delicious. I love how all of the songs have a slightly different feel and flavor, depending on the collaborating artist.
This album has been my companion this week as I have worked up to facing a major holiday without my Dad. When I've needed to calm and center myself, Norah has been there to help. Music has always been a central part of my life, whether through band, various choirs, or just listening to my favorites on my iPod (or Walkman back in the day!) It's what I turn to to deal with emotions. I am thankful to have found another "go to" CD.
For more information on the album, you can go to:
The Norah Jones Site
Norah Jones on You Tube
Disclaimer: I was provided a free copy of Norah Jones' "Featuring" by the One 2 One Network.
Monday, November 01, 2010
My Comforter
I was smacked in the face today by this verse...
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Cor. 1:2
Thank you God for comforting me. For helping me through this trial. I am praying that He will use me to comfort others who may also feel the pain of loosing a loved one.
God IS amazing!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Cor. 1:2
Thank you God for comforting me. For helping me through this trial. I am praying that He will use me to comfort others who may also feel the pain of loosing a loved one.
God IS amazing!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Life
As much as I feel time should have stopped on September 28th, life and time does move on. I think it is doubly hard for me because for seven weeks after my Dad's surgery, life was on a crazy, hectic pace. I would go to work during the day, come home and rush dinner and homework, sneak in some family time with the kids, and then I would go to the hospital or to my parent's house to help care for my Dad. I didn't have much time to think, I only had time to do. To care for others.
After Dad died, not only was he gone, but the hectic pace came to an abrupt halt, and I was left with too much time to think. All of the emotion from Dad's passing, doubled with the emotional stress of the previous 7 weeks hit me like a freight train. I think this is why for a few weeks I would find myself doing an everyday mundane task and think to myself, "Why in the world do I have to do this? Why is this important?"
I am beginning to take joy in the everyday again. Mostly because I know how extremely irritated Daddy would be if we didn't enjoy our time here on Earth. I have enjoyed watching Charlie end his second soccer season with a trophy he is so proud of that he sleeps with it, seeing Sammy and Charlie dressed in Halloween costumes, and hearing Evan prepare for his Christmas concert where he will be singing in a trio. I am enjoying my classroom and my students, and the feeling it gives me of following a vocation from God. I feel purpose in being a wife, a mother, and a teacher. My role as a daughter is more important to me than ever. I want to be there for my Mom as much as possible as she journeys through this new stage in her life.
We are all learning to cope and to continue. We will always miss Dad, love Dad, and wish he was still here with us. But we will also still enjoy, love, and embrace the life we still have to lead.
After Dad died, not only was he gone, but the hectic pace came to an abrupt halt, and I was left with too much time to think. All of the emotion from Dad's passing, doubled with the emotional stress of the previous 7 weeks hit me like a freight train. I think this is why for a few weeks I would find myself doing an everyday mundane task and think to myself, "Why in the world do I have to do this? Why is this important?"
I am beginning to take joy in the everyday again. Mostly because I know how extremely irritated Daddy would be if we didn't enjoy our time here on Earth. I have enjoyed watching Charlie end his second soccer season with a trophy he is so proud of that he sleeps with it, seeing Sammy and Charlie dressed in Halloween costumes, and hearing Evan prepare for his Christmas concert where he will be singing in a trio. I am enjoying my classroom and my students, and the feeling it gives me of following a vocation from God. I feel purpose in being a wife, a mother, and a teacher. My role as a daughter is more important to me than ever. I want to be there for my Mom as much as possible as she journeys through this new stage in her life.
We are all learning to cope and to continue. We will always miss Dad, love Dad, and wish he was still here with us. But we will also still enjoy, love, and embrace the life we still have to lead.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Photographs
It was not the first time I had tried to wish and pray myself into a picture.
When I was 12, Nickelodeon started playing reruns of the Monkees TV show. I fell head first into my first celebrity crush...Micky Dolenz, the handsome and curly haired drummer of the 1960s band was the first guy to make my heart pound. Never mind that he was in his 40s by the time I was introduced to him. My Mom helped to feed my obsession when she dug through her old record collection, and found me an original Monkees album, which I then listened to ad nauseum on my record player.
Not long afterwards, I read a book in which the main character stared so hard at a picture she found herself tumbling into it, and she had a whole new life inside the photograph. My 12 year old self thought about how awesome this would be, and I am embarrassed to admit, tried mightily to wish myself into a picture of Micky Dolenz on the beach. I found the picture on the back of the album cover, and boy oh boy, did I want to join his 20 year old handsome self next to the sand and the surf.
A couple of days ago, I was looking through pictures of our trip to the lake last summer. I was missing my dad terribly, and I needed to see his face. I came across a picture of my Dad and I playing shuffleboard on the court behind our cabins. We had the best time together. He beat the pants off me the first three games we played. The next night though, I started to get the hang of it. He was proud of me for giving him a challenge, but I never did beat him. When I looked into the picture, I saw him as he was just three short months ago. So strong. So healthy. I was overwhelmed with a sense of disbelief. How can it be that he isn't here anymore? How can it be possible that I can't call him on the phone and remind what a great time we had playing shuffle board? He was so healthy. And so vibrant. Neither of the people in the picture had any clue our time left together was so short, and we wouldn't have believed it if you had told us.
And then I stared and stared at my Dad. And I wanted so badly to go inside that photograph and be able to have that one night with him again. To give him a hug and tell him I love him one more time. Or to be able to warn him of the future, and beg him not to get that stupid surgery. I know it doesn't do any good to keep thinking it, or saying it, but ohmygosh....I want my Daddy back.
And then I remembered being 12 and doing the same thing, and I had to giggle a little. It also made me remember that my Dad took me to a Monkees concert the year I was 12, at Rosenblatt stadium. It was my first and only concert I have ever been to, and I loved it. He even brought me a Monkees souvenir book and I still have it. I am sure Dad was miserable, but I am so thankful that he was the kind of Dad who was willing to be miserable just to make his daughter happy.
They aren't enough to make up for him being gone, or to fill the empty void, but I am so glad that I have so many wonderful memories of my Dad. I am so glad that I told him I loved him so many times after his surgery. I would welcome the chance to tell him a thousand more times, but I know that he knows.
The one thing I am sure of, and the one thing that does make me feel better, is that I still feel his love for me. All the way from heaven.
When I was 12, Nickelodeon started playing reruns of the Monkees TV show. I fell head first into my first celebrity crush...Micky Dolenz, the handsome and curly haired drummer of the 1960s band was the first guy to make my heart pound. Never mind that he was in his 40s by the time I was introduced to him. My Mom helped to feed my obsession when she dug through her old record collection, and found me an original Monkees album, which I then listened to ad nauseum on my record player.
Not long afterwards, I read a book in which the main character stared so hard at a picture she found herself tumbling into it, and she had a whole new life inside the photograph. My 12 year old self thought about how awesome this would be, and I am embarrassed to admit, tried mightily to wish myself into a picture of Micky Dolenz on the beach. I found the picture on the back of the album cover, and boy oh boy, did I want to join his 20 year old handsome self next to the sand and the surf.
A couple of days ago, I was looking through pictures of our trip to the lake last summer. I was missing my dad terribly, and I needed to see his face. I came across a picture of my Dad and I playing shuffleboard on the court behind our cabins. We had the best time together. He beat the pants off me the first three games we played. The next night though, I started to get the hang of it. He was proud of me for giving him a challenge, but I never did beat him. When I looked into the picture, I saw him as he was just three short months ago. So strong. So healthy. I was overwhelmed with a sense of disbelief. How can it be that he isn't here anymore? How can it be possible that I can't call him on the phone and remind what a great time we had playing shuffle board? He was so healthy. And so vibrant. Neither of the people in the picture had any clue our time left together was so short, and we wouldn't have believed it if you had told us.
And then I stared and stared at my Dad. And I wanted so badly to go inside that photograph and be able to have that one night with him again. To give him a hug and tell him I love him one more time. Or to be able to warn him of the future, and beg him not to get that stupid surgery. I know it doesn't do any good to keep thinking it, or saying it, but ohmygosh....I want my Daddy back.
And then I remembered being 12 and doing the same thing, and I had to giggle a little. It also made me remember that my Dad took me to a Monkees concert the year I was 12, at Rosenblatt stadium. It was my first and only concert I have ever been to, and I loved it. He even brought me a Monkees souvenir book and I still have it. I am sure Dad was miserable, but I am so thankful that he was the kind of Dad who was willing to be miserable just to make his daughter happy.
They aren't enough to make up for him being gone, or to fill the empty void, but I am so glad that I have so many wonderful memories of my Dad. I am so glad that I told him I loved him so many times after his surgery. I would welcome the chance to tell him a thousand more times, but I know that he knows.
The one thing I am sure of, and the one thing that does make me feel better, is that I still feel his love for me. All the way from heaven.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Loops
My brain is thinking in loops lately. I find myself having the same thoughts over and over again through the day. What is amazing, is that I can have these thoughts at the same time I am teaching, doing the laundry, or getting the kids in the tub. I can't seem to be fully present in the moment.
My main train of thought is "How can this be?" "How can it be possible my Dad won't come over for dinner ever again? How can it be that someone so healthy isn't with us anymore? How can it be that we just had a funeral for my Dad?" Maybe in thinking this over and over again I am subconsciously trying to accept a reality that just doesn't make any sense at all.
I have also discovered that grief is exhausting. I have never felt so deep down, bone tired before this.
I am just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And the thing that helps me to do that is that I know my Dad is saying prayers for me to have strength to get through the day. I know he is still taking care of me, just in a different way than he did here on Earth.
My main train of thought is "How can this be?" "How can it be possible my Dad won't come over for dinner ever again? How can it be that someone so healthy isn't with us anymore? How can it be that we just had a funeral for my Dad?" Maybe in thinking this over and over again I am subconsciously trying to accept a reality that just doesn't make any sense at all.
I have also discovered that grief is exhausting. I have never felt so deep down, bone tired before this.
I am just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And the thing that helps me to do that is that I know my Dad is saying prayers for me to have strength to get through the day. I know he is still taking care of me, just in a different way than he did here on Earth.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
I Can See the Thestrals
If you are a Harry Potter fan, you may remember the thestrals which pull the carriages full of students from the Hogwarts express to the school. Most of the students think the carriages are magic, and move on their own, but students who have seen death can see the invisible thestral creatures pulling the carriages.
That's how I have been feeling this week, as I have had to return to work. Everyone has been so friendly and helpful, but it seems that people are divided into two groups. The first is made up of people who care about you, but have never been through the death of someone very close to them. They don't know what to say or what to do, so they don't look at you. They don't mean to, but they make you feel like you may have the plague. They don't want your fate to be theirs, and they don't want to see your pain.
The second group is made up of people who know just exactly how wretched it is. They have been through it themselves and know that you are feeling like you have a black hole in your chest instead of a heart. They reach out with hugs, and words, and love, and action. They look you in the eyes when they say, "It absolutely sucks, doesn't it?" And when you look back, you see your own pain mirrored in their eyes. And you know they can see the thestrals too.
That's how I have been feeling this week, as I have had to return to work. Everyone has been so friendly and helpful, but it seems that people are divided into two groups. The first is made up of people who care about you, but have never been through the death of someone very close to them. They don't know what to say or what to do, so they don't look at you. They don't mean to, but they make you feel like you may have the plague. They don't want your fate to be theirs, and they don't want to see your pain.
The second group is made up of people who know just exactly how wretched it is. They have been through it themselves and know that you are feeling like you have a black hole in your chest instead of a heart. They reach out with hugs, and words, and love, and action. They look you in the eyes when they say, "It absolutely sucks, doesn't it?" And when you look back, you see your own pain mirrored in their eyes. And you know they can see the thestrals too.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
I Love You Daddy
On Tuesday September 28, at 10:45 in the morning, my Daddy went to be with Jesus in heaven. His heart, so tired after all of it's struggles after his surgery, simply wore out and stopped beating. Maybe someday, I will be able to write about that day here. For now, it is too raw, too personal, and too agonizing. When I try to sleep, my brain replays the 8 hours of terror from the time my Mom called me at 2:15 in the morning to tell me his Life Vest had alarmed and the paramedics were at their house, to the time my Mom and my siblings and I stood around his hospital bed, holding on to him and saying good bye.
My Daddy was so much more than just a Dad to me. He was also my hero, my friend, and my protector. He was my mentor and model. Most everything I have done in my life has been with the intent to make my Dad proud of me. At his wake service last Thursday, I knew I had to write and read a eulogy to him. I wanted him to be proud of me again, and I wanted the world to know what an amazing man he was. Is. I know that just because he is in heaven, he hasn't stopped being amazing. I know that he is continuing to love and care for me, and always will.
I am so proud, and so thankful, that I was able to read the following words that night clearly, and without faltering. It was my gift to my Dad. It was my way to send my love to him. Here is what I read:
My Daddy was so much more than just a Dad to me. He was also my hero, my friend, and my protector. He was my mentor and model. Most everything I have done in my life has been with the intent to make my Dad proud of me. At his wake service last Thursday, I knew I had to write and read a eulogy to him. I wanted him to be proud of me again, and I wanted the world to know what an amazing man he was. Is. I know that just because he is in heaven, he hasn't stopped being amazing. I know that he is continuing to love and care for me, and always will.
I am so proud, and so thankful, that I was able to read the following words that night clearly, and without faltering. It was my gift to my Dad. It was my way to send my love to him. Here is what I read:
Creighton John Micek Jr. Also known as John, CJ, Creighton, and Poppo. But to me, he is Daddy. All of you know him from different places. To some of you he is brother, friend, coworker, bike riding buddy, or fellow member of the Buttheads. All of us here though can say that regardless of where we knew him from, he was one of the best men we’ve ever known. Tonight I would like to share with you some stories about my Dad that exemplify the qualities that made him so special to so many.
Dad grew up in a family of 10 children. He was closest in age to his sister Linda. He spoke of riding bikes with her to the library, and then taking their books into the cool of the basement to read away an afternoon together. Linda also often talks fondly of walking home from school for lunch together, hand in hand. The two of them developed a lifelong love of books, but it was Dad who continued with bike riding into adulthood. He rode in countless years of Bicycle Ride Across Nebraska events, and organized many weekend riding excursions with friends. This was how his group of friends, the Buttheads, got their start. Dad firmly believed that everyone should enjoy riding a bike, and when he made a new friend, that friend would often quickly find himself gripping handlebars and peddling quickly.
It was also Dad who brought people together. He loved to meet new people and bring them into his circle of friends. For example, the people he loved to play pool with were work friends, brothers, and biking and hiking buddies. Dad had a knack for mixing people of all backgrounds together, and creating a social group that loved to have fun.
In addition to his friends, family was a large part of his heart.
My parents met on March 10, 1972. He remained devoted to my Mom ever after. Through his love for Mom, Dad provided a wonderful example to us of marriage. Though they had their ups and downs like all couples, Dad never wavered in his faithfulness and devotion in their almost 36 years of marriage.
Dad was also the most dedicated of fathers. Here my brothers and sister and I have many stories to share. When it was only Sarah and I, and Mom worked weekends, Dad was in charge. He could only cook one meal, so every Saturday night he made us macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, and pork ‘n beans. To make up for the meal, afterwards he would always fix us a Tostinos party pizza and let us stay up and watch Creature Feature while we snuggled on his lap.
When Creighton came along, he was the cutest, chubbiest, but also the most colicky baby any of us had ever laid eyes on. Every night like clockwork, just as Dad was coming home from work, Creighton would start screaming. Dad was the only one who could calm him down by doing what we called his Indian War Dance. He would walk around the house for hours, bouncing Creighton on his hip, and singing an Indian war cry.
Ben’s arrival brought with it a series of health issues that required many procedures done at Medical City Dallas. Dad quickly ran out of vacation time, so every weekend he would drive 13 hours down to Dallas after work on Friday, and have to return on Sunday, just to spend a few hours with Mom and Ben. He always gave exactly what a situation required, without complaint.
Just as this was a great example for us, he taught his children other things by example as well. For 15 years after my Grandpa’s stroke, Dad gave Papa Creighton a weekly shower, did their bills, handled home repair, and Ben even remembers winding their grandfather clock every week before we left. When Dad became sick in August, we all knew just what to do because he had shown us. We had a family meeting and voluntarily took on chores and responsibilities that he could no longer do. Not only did he serve others, but he always did it with a joyful heart. Just by watching how he treated people, we learned honesty, integrity, and loyalty. Even when he was feeling his very worst these last two months, he made sure to call each health care worker by name, and thank them for their care.
He didn’t reserve his kindness just for friends and family, but for everyone that he met. At Mutual, he met a woman named Lou who worked in the coffee shop. He always struck up a conversation, and they quickly became friends. When she heard he was sick, she found my brother Creighton online and told him to tell Dad that his first cup of coffee when he came back would be on her, and he promised to collect.
While Dad was an honorable man, he was certainly not stuffy, and he loved to have fun. He loved to take his grandson Evan camping with the guys. Dad, the frustrated astronomer, loved to shoot off rockets as a kid, so he enjoyed introducing Evan to the joys of rocket building. He also loved to think of activities specific to the interests of each grandchild. Dad played in the black truck with Colin, played air hockey with Charlie and Sammy, and read princess books to Brooke. One of Dad’s favorite pastimes was lounging in the horse tank, and all of us loved to soak in the sun with him and enjoy a beer or a root beer.
Daddy and I were always very close. I knew that I didn’t want to go through childbirth without him there to hold my hand and coach me through. I will always treasure the memory of him being present at the births of all three of my children. I will never forget his excited expression as he welcomed Evan into the world, and introduced himself into Poppo dom. Dad and I always thought exactly alike. We could just look at each other, and know we were having the exact same thought.
He was the BEST dad ever and loved each of his children fiercely. When he discovered that the name Sarah meant little princess, he thought it was perfect, and forever after he referred to her as his little princess. He beamed with pride when Creighton came along, and he could proudly pass on his name and introduce the world to Creighton John Micek III. Benjamin was Joseph’s younger brother in the Bible, and the Bible describes him as much loved. Dad thought this was the perfect name for Ben, as he always was very protective of him.
So tonight, we’ve looked at the qualities that made Dad so special. Each and every person in this room has been blessed for knowing him. He is a gift to us that we will always carry in our hearts, we hope that you will too.
I love you Daddy. I miss you every second of every day. My heart has a big empty hole, right in the middle that won't be fixed until I can see you again.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A New Normal
Now that Dad is home again, we are continuing to put one foot in front of the other, and take his recovery day by day. It is agonizingly slow, but we are praying that clot is shrinking daily. I am so proud of my Dad for working so hard, for trying to so hard to be positive, and for keeping up the fight. I think this is one of the hardest things he's ever done.
There are a thousand times a week I still think, "I should call Dad and we can..." or "I bet Dad would like to..." and then it all settles over me again. It's hard to get used to his limitations, but I am thankful they aren't permanent . I am trying to think of ways to bring his favorite things to him until he can do them himself again.
One thing I don't want to return to normal, is this new awareness I have of every moment with him, with my family, with friends. I am hyper aware of how easily someone can leave you, and how quickly life can change. I have been so much more thankful for small moments and every day things. I don't want to loose that-instead I want to soak up EVERYTHING.
On Monday, it was my Dad's 58th birthday. I stopped by my parent's house just for a few minutes so the boys and I could give him birthday hugs. It was so nice to see him smile, watch him watch my kids, and tell him I love him. I am never going to see my Dad and not tell him I love him ever again. You never know when it might be your last chance, and I want him to know he is LOVED.
There are a thousand times a week I still think, "I should call Dad and we can..." or "I bet Dad would like to..." and then it all settles over me again. It's hard to get used to his limitations, but I am thankful they aren't permanent . I am trying to think of ways to bring his favorite things to him until he can do them himself again.
One thing I don't want to return to normal, is this new awareness I have of every moment with him, with my family, with friends. I am hyper aware of how easily someone can leave you, and how quickly life can change. I have been so much more thankful for small moments and every day things. I don't want to loose that-instead I want to soak up EVERYTHING.
On Monday, it was my Dad's 58th birthday. I stopped by my parent's house just for a few minutes so the boys and I could give him birthday hugs. It was so nice to see him smile, watch him watch my kids, and tell him I love him. I am never going to see my Dad and not tell him I love him ever again. You never know when it might be your last chance, and I want him to know he is LOVED.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Home and Birthdays
My Dad is back home from the hospital. Again.
And I am so, so, so glad. I know probably every kid thinks their parents are the best, but I truly know that my Dad is one of the BEST Dads ever. He was such an awesome example growing up of how to be an honorable, trustworthy, loving person. He taught me integrity and how to serve others with a joyful heart. In the hospital, he continued these lessons by treating every nurse, tech, doctor, and therapist with respect and cheerfulness, calling each one by name, even when he felt at his lowest. I love him for all of these things, and for his spunky personality. I am so happy he is my Daddy, and that he is home again. I want to have many more years to laugh and learn with him. I am SO lucky to be his daughter. SO lucky.
It is my Dad's birthday on Monday. The best of birthdays is a birthday that you almost didn't get to have, and we are rejoicing that we get to celebrate this day with him.
It is my handsome Jeff's birthday tomorrow. We are going to welcome him into middle age with white cake with white frosting (his favorite), some very inspired presents, and his favorite foods for dinner. I haven't mentioned on this blog lately how adorable he is, and how great of a Dad he is, and how much I love him, but he is and I do.
I am beyond blessed to have these two men in my life. How did I get so lucky as to have two of the best men on the planet in my life? I can't wait to spend their special days with each of them.
And I am so, so, so glad. I know probably every kid thinks their parents are the best, but I truly know that my Dad is one of the BEST Dads ever. He was such an awesome example growing up of how to be an honorable, trustworthy, loving person. He taught me integrity and how to serve others with a joyful heart. In the hospital, he continued these lessons by treating every nurse, tech, doctor, and therapist with respect and cheerfulness, calling each one by name, even when he felt at his lowest. I love him for all of these things, and for his spunky personality. I am so happy he is my Daddy, and that he is home again. I want to have many more years to laugh and learn with him. I am SO lucky to be his daughter. SO lucky.
It is my Dad's birthday on Monday. The best of birthdays is a birthday that you almost didn't get to have, and we are rejoicing that we get to celebrate this day with him.
It is my handsome Jeff's birthday tomorrow. We are going to welcome him into middle age with white cake with white frosting (his favorite), some very inspired presents, and his favorite foods for dinner. I haven't mentioned on this blog lately how adorable he is, and how great of a Dad he is, and how much I love him, but he is and I do.
I am beyond blessed to have these two men in my life. How did I get so lucky as to have two of the best men on the planet in my life? I can't wait to spend their special days with each of them.
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