One of my favorite bloggers, Audrey McClelland from Mom Generations, says at the end of the year she likes to look back at three things: health, happiness, and family. I really like this idea...to me these are some of the most important things in my life, with the addition of faith.
I struggled with my health this year. In light of my Dad's death at only 58 from genetic heart issues, I am hyper aware of my health. I know that what I do now can greatly affect how much time I get to spend on earth with my precious family. My PCOS is getting worse, and I know this can also impact my heart health. I feel great that my new diet, which is really more of a lifestyle change, is helping this. I've already lost 10% of my body weight. I have an appointment scheduled with a new specialist next week, and I going to be picking the brain of a very wise friend who also has PCOS to hopefully get more of my symptoms under control. It's my goal in 2012 to do everything I can to get healthier.
There isn't a day that goes by that I am not thankful for my family. We have had our challenges this year with both Evan and Charlie, but Jeff and I took positive steps in helping our children to improve in their academics and their behavior. It's been hard, but I am so proud of us for working hard on these things. Parenting...no one can prepare you for how HARD it can be!! This year, I want to be more purposeful and present in my actions as a Mom. Too many days I am just trying to get by and get through. I don't want to waste my time with them.
And my husband...my wonderful husband. Jeff is the greatest gift I will every receive from the Lord. Having this man to walk next to in this journey is a blessing I am thankful for EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I try not to ever take him for granted. I fall more in love with him every day I have the honor of being his wife.
Happiness and faith have been so intertwined for me since September 28, 2010, the day my Daddy went to heaven. In 2011, we continued to heal. We are learning to be happy again. But I have learned you never ever stop grieving, and the hole in our family will always be there. You just learn how to cope with it...which for me is through faith. It brings me such comfort to know that my Dad's life and death, and how it intertwines with my own, was known by God and in His hands long ago. It brings me comfort to know that God is working great things in my heart through this experience, and that He has never left my side as we move through this new life without my Dad. And above all, I take joy in knowing I WILL be with my Dad again, and I want him to be proud of how I carried on and the life I lead after he had to leave. It's my goal in 2012 to make choices that both my Heavenly Father and my Dad will be proud of.
I'm looking forward to 2012. I am hoping to have a year of growth. I want to be a blessing to those around me.
Showing posts with label Daddy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daddy. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
One Year
One year ago today, at 10:45 AM, I said good bye to my hero...my Dad.
I miss him. Every single day. I think about him all the time, I pray for him all the time.
The thing I've learned about grief this year is that it doesn't really go away or get better. You just learn to live with it, and it becomes your new normal. I hate having to have a normal that doesn't include my dad.
I love you Daddy. You will always be my hero. I love you to the moon and back.
I miss him. Every single day. I think about him all the time, I pray for him all the time.
The thing I've learned about grief this year is that it doesn't really go away or get better. You just learn to live with it, and it becomes your new normal. I hate having to have a normal that doesn't include my dad.
I love you Daddy. You will always be my hero. I love you to the moon and back.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Hello FALL!
It is the most glorious of fall days here in Nebraska. Yesterday morning dawned hot and muggy, much like the rest of the summer here in the midwest. Around 3:00, a cold front blew through with some pretty strong winds, and a few raindrops. When it had past, miracles of miracles, the humidity was gone, the sun came out, and it was beautiful!
We left our windows open over night, and it was so nice to air the house out and turn off the A/C. Today, as I type this, my windows are still open and there is a beautiful cool breeze blowing in. I did some fall deep cleaning yesterday, and when I was finished, I treated myself by getting out my fall decorations. Here is my mantel...
I am a summer girl at heart, but I do love fall as well. I love the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch, and all of the fun activities that go along with the great weather during this beautiful season. And after three months of sizzling Nebraska summer heat, we are always ready for a cool down.
I think we are all finally on the mend around here. Charlie and Sammy are both slowly getting over their bout with croup and high fevers. Jeff and Evan are feeling better too. Me? I am marveling over the fact that I am the only one who hasn't gotten sick. (Knock on wood!) Maybe after 12 years of teaching my immune system is FINALLY getting better!
My family is coming up on some tough days during the month of September. September 13th would have been my Dad's 59th birthday. Our first without him. On the 28th, it is the one year anniversary of his death. Both come with an aching sadness over not being with him. I feel strongly that on both days we need to create some new traditions...traditions that focus on celebrating Dad's life, and not just remembering his death. Because his life was so much more powerful, positive, and beautiful than the 8 weeks that took him from us. So, on Dad's birthday I invited my family over to have Dad's favorite meal of fried chicken and cherry pie. On the 28th, we will meet at the cemetery and hold a prayer service, and then we will go to Dad's favorite restaurant and remember good times and the many reasons why we love him so. On both days, we will be together, and I am certain beyond certain that Dad will be with us too.
We left our windows open over night, and it was so nice to air the house out and turn off the A/C. Today, as I type this, my windows are still open and there is a beautiful cool breeze blowing in. I did some fall deep cleaning yesterday, and when I was finished, I treated myself by getting out my fall decorations. Here is my mantel...
I am a summer girl at heart, but I do love fall as well. I love the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch, and all of the fun activities that go along with the great weather during this beautiful season. And after three months of sizzling Nebraska summer heat, we are always ready for a cool down.
I think we are all finally on the mend around here. Charlie and Sammy are both slowly getting over their bout with croup and high fevers. Jeff and Evan are feeling better too. Me? I am marveling over the fact that I am the only one who hasn't gotten sick. (Knock on wood!) Maybe after 12 years of teaching my immune system is FINALLY getting better!
My family is coming up on some tough days during the month of September. September 13th would have been my Dad's 59th birthday. Our first without him. On the 28th, it is the one year anniversary of his death. Both come with an aching sadness over not being with him. I feel strongly that on both days we need to create some new traditions...traditions that focus on celebrating Dad's life, and not just remembering his death. Because his life was so much more powerful, positive, and beautiful than the 8 weeks that took him from us. So, on Dad's birthday I invited my family over to have Dad's favorite meal of fried chicken and cherry pie. On the 28th, we will meet at the cemetery and hold a prayer service, and then we will go to Dad's favorite restaurant and remember good times and the many reasons why we love him so. On both days, we will be together, and I am certain beyond certain that Dad will be with us too.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Good-Bye Nursery
In November 2006, just before I delivered Sam, my Dad painted and wall papered the baby's room with adorable little frog princes and a calming light green color. You can see our newly finished nursery with double cribs here. (Gosh this brings back memories...seeing those two cribs together. It was so surreal to tuck in my two tiny babies, only 10 months and 10 days apart. Having Irish twins is not for the faint of heart.)
A couple of months ago, I noticed a small hole had appeared in the wallpaper. As the hole got bigger over the coming weeks, I knew it was a sign that it was time to update Charlie and Sammy's room. It made my heart hurt. I'm sad to say goodbye to the nursery, small toddler stage. My boys are growing up, and ready for something a little more "boyish" instead of babyish in their bedroom. I was also dreading having to redo something in the house that my Dad had done for me. Having that wallpaper in the room was a visual reminder of his love for me and for his grandchildren.
Yesterday I bit the bullet. I took pictures beforehand to remember the room by, and then I told myself that my Dad's love wasn't just put on the walls, it was poured into my heart. And no matter how the walls look, my Dad still loves me. I also reminded myself that a hole in the wallpaper would have driven him nuts, and he would have wanted me to get this makeover on the road.
Over the years the room has changed a bit...like Charlie's addition of his "art wall". He loves to color, and insists on decorating our walls with his creations.
We added bunk beds in 2008. You may notice that on these two walls the border is missing. Putting Charlie in the top bunk allowed him access to the border as a toddler, and one day while having a temper tantrum, he ripped the whole thing off. One of the times as a mother I have been most angry.
Yesterday I took down all the wallpaper, scrubbed the glue off the walls, and repaired wall dings. We are off to get paint today, and soon we will start the transformation. But there is one thing I won't change. Whenever my dad would wallpaper or put up a border in a room, he would take a small square and put it on the light switch. It added a creative touch to the room, and one that said "Dad" to me. And so, even though it won't match, this will be staying just the way it is in their room. A little piece of Poppo to hold on to.
I'll post some pictures when I'm done. I hope the boys like it!
A couple of months ago, I noticed a small hole had appeared in the wallpaper. As the hole got bigger over the coming weeks, I knew it was a sign that it was time to update Charlie and Sammy's room. It made my heart hurt. I'm sad to say goodbye to the nursery, small toddler stage. My boys are growing up, and ready for something a little more "boyish" instead of babyish in their bedroom. I was also dreading having to redo something in the house that my Dad had done for me. Having that wallpaper in the room was a visual reminder of his love for me and for his grandchildren.
Yesterday I bit the bullet. I took pictures beforehand to remember the room by, and then I told myself that my Dad's love wasn't just put on the walls, it was poured into my heart. And no matter how the walls look, my Dad still loves me. I also reminded myself that a hole in the wallpaper would have driven him nuts, and he would have wanted me to get this makeover on the road.
Over the years the room has changed a bit...like Charlie's addition of his "art wall". He loves to color, and insists on decorating our walls with his creations.
We added bunk beds in 2008. You may notice that on these two walls the border is missing. Putting Charlie in the top bunk allowed him access to the border as a toddler, and one day while having a temper tantrum, he ripped the whole thing off. One of the times as a mother I have been most angry.
Yesterday I took down all the wallpaper, scrubbed the glue off the walls, and repaired wall dings. We are off to get paint today, and soon we will start the transformation. But there is one thing I won't change. Whenever my dad would wallpaper or put up a border in a room, he would take a small square and put it on the light switch. It added a creative touch to the room, and one that said "Dad" to me. And so, even though it won't match, this will be staying just the way it is in their room. A little piece of Poppo to hold on to.
I'll post some pictures when I'm done. I hope the boys like it!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Happy Father's Day
I am so blessed to call this man my Father. I miss him every single day. I wish he was here so that I could tell him in person, but I am sending lots of love and appreciation to heaven today. I love you to the moon and back Daddy, and I always will. I am the luckiest girl to be able to say I am your daughter.
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| Daddy walking me down the aisle at my wedding |
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| Dad with the grand kids on Christmas Eve |
Sunday, May 29, 2011
My Dad's Legacy, in the Form of a Sink
My Dad was always helping people. He helped his brothers and sisters to paint their houses, move into new houses, and do home/car repair. He helped his friends with the same. He helped his department at work build frames for their entry into the Sand in the City competition. Anything anybody needed, he would do. He built me shelves in my storage room, painted my living room and kitchen, and he put in our wood floor. When his parents were still alive, he did their bills and went to their house every Saturday to mow the grass and give my Grandpa a shower.
He taught us through his example. He taught his children to always serve others, and put others first.
I see so much of my Dad in my brother Creighton. I saw it this Friday when Creighton and my brother in law Luke came over and installed this beauty in my kitchen:
I am sure I have complained about my old kitchen sink here before...it was only 6 inches deep, and did not include a sprayer. I lived for FIVE STINKIN' YEARS without a sprayer in my kitchen!! Have you ever tried to clean up after Thanksgiving dinner with a 6 inch sink and no sprayer? IT IS NOT FUN. So now, I am loving doing dishes with my 9 1/2 inch deep sink, and it's beautiful, wonderful sprayer. Best of all though, I got to see a piece of my Dad when Creighton volunteered to help me with this project after hearing me curse the old one. I love that my parents worked hard to create a family that loves and helps each other.
And fittingly for Memorial Day weekend, yesterday at church we saw that this plaque had been installed at the foot of a tree planted in memorial to my dad:
It's comforting to know there is this piece of comfort at a place that is so important to us.
He taught us through his example. He taught his children to always serve others, and put others first.
I see so much of my Dad in my brother Creighton. I saw it this Friday when Creighton and my brother in law Luke came over and installed this beauty in my kitchen:
I am sure I have complained about my old kitchen sink here before...it was only 6 inches deep, and did not include a sprayer. I lived for FIVE STINKIN' YEARS without a sprayer in my kitchen!! Have you ever tried to clean up after Thanksgiving dinner with a 6 inch sink and no sprayer? IT IS NOT FUN. So now, I am loving doing dishes with my 9 1/2 inch deep sink, and it's beautiful, wonderful sprayer. Best of all though, I got to see a piece of my Dad when Creighton volunteered to help me with this project after hearing me curse the old one. I love that my parents worked hard to create a family that loves and helps each other.
And fittingly for Memorial Day weekend, yesterday at church we saw that this plaque had been installed at the foot of a tree planted in memorial to my dad:
It's comforting to know there is this piece of comfort at a place that is so important to us.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Some news..
Hello everyone! It has been WAY too long since my last post, and I have so much news to tell you! For now though, I have to tell you about a new project I am working on.
On May 21, I will be walking in the American Heart Associations Heart Walk to honor the life of my Dad, and also for one of my students Abby. Abby is actually the Heart Child of the year, and will be starting both the children's walk and the adult walk. Abby has overcome multiple heart defects to become on of the most amazing young ladies I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!
I would be so honored if you would visit here:
http://omahaheartwalk.kintera.org/christykleffman
to help me make my dream a reality, and to help make a difference in the lives of those dealing with heart problems.
It makes me feel happy to know that there is something I can do to honor my father, and to help make sure other families don't have to experience the pain of loosing a loved one to heart disease.
On May 21, I will be walking in the American Heart Associations Heart Walk to honor the life of my Dad, and also for one of my students Abby. Abby is actually the Heart Child of the year, and will be starting both the children's walk and the adult walk. Abby has overcome multiple heart defects to become on of the most amazing young ladies I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!
I would be so honored if you would visit here:
http://omahaheartwalk.kintera.org/christykleffman
to help me make my dream a reality, and to help make a difference in the lives of those dealing with heart problems.
It makes me feel happy to know that there is something I can do to honor my father, and to help make sure other families don't have to experience the pain of loosing a loved one to heart disease.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spring
I am not usually one who is depressed by winter. I mean, what teacher doesn't love a good snow day, right? I don't mind snow much, mostly because I don't often have to drive to work in it. Instead it usually means cozy days snuggled under blankets, a fire in the fireplace, and baking cookies with my boys. Most years I don't mind waiting patiently for spring. As a Nebraskan, this serves me well, as spring can often take it's own sweet time in arriving.
This year feels different. I am very anxious for warm weather and sunny skies. The stark snow and barren landscapes of winter have seemed too close to my own emotional outlook this year, and have felt oppressive. I think I am hoping that the cheery sound of chirping birds, sunny skies, and warm breezes can help transport me out of this season of grief.
I am learning that grief doesn't go away. I thought at first it might. The sharpness of it will dull with time, but it never leaves. We are all adjusting to our new roles in life, the altered picture of our family. I don't know if it will ever feel normal, or okay, but it is becoming less "new". I am learning to deal with it, but it was somewhat of a surprise to me that everyday still brings tears. Every single day. I don't know if that will ever change. And I guess if it doesn't, you just learn to keep going.
I am hoping the arrival of a new season, the season of new life, will help breathe new life into my heart. I am feeling ready for some happy and some sunshine. I know my Dad wants that for us to.
This year feels different. I am very anxious for warm weather and sunny skies. The stark snow and barren landscapes of winter have seemed too close to my own emotional outlook this year, and have felt oppressive. I think I am hoping that the cheery sound of chirping birds, sunny skies, and warm breezes can help transport me out of this season of grief.
I am learning that grief doesn't go away. I thought at first it might. The sharpness of it will dull with time, but it never leaves. We are all adjusting to our new roles in life, the altered picture of our family. I don't know if it will ever feel normal, or okay, but it is becoming less "new". I am learning to deal with it, but it was somewhat of a surprise to me that everyday still brings tears. Every single day. I don't know if that will ever change. And I guess if it doesn't, you just learn to keep going.
I am hoping the arrival of a new season, the season of new life, will help breathe new life into my heart. I am feeling ready for some happy and some sunshine. I know my Dad wants that for us to.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Merry Christmas!
I can't believe another Christmas Day has passed, in the blink of an eye. I am sad to see it go...I love the holiday season so much! We had a wonderful day yesterday, filled with:
Brotherly Love
Handsome boys ready for church on Christmas Eve (with Evan singing in the choir!)
New family members
Handsome boys ready for church on Christmas Eve (with Evan singing in the choir!)
New family members
Celebrating Christmas Eve at my Mom's house... It was nice to be together, but also much harder than I thought it would be without Dad there. It was so hard to not have him with us, but we made it through one more "first". We made it through together, as a family.
More new family members...this is Lindsey, my brother's infinitely awesome girlfriend. She feels like she has been my sister forever. There are so many things that make her fit into our family perfectly, and it feels like God sent her to us as a gift.
Christmas morning Christmas Trees...
Boys ready to open gifts
...and Hot cocoa and Christmas cookies for breakfast
It was a good holiday, and we felt surrounded by family and love. If you celebrated Christmas yesterday as well, I hope that you had a wonderful day! I count all of you that come here to read my little corner of the blogosphere as one of my Christmas blessings. THANK YOU for spending time with me here at the Sole Woman!
More new family members...this is Lindsey, my brother's infinitely awesome girlfriend. She feels like she has been my sister forever. There are so many things that make her fit into our family perfectly, and it feels like God sent her to us as a gift.
Christmas morning Christmas Trees...
Boys ready to open gifts
...and Hot cocoa and Christmas cookies for breakfast
It was a good holiday, and we felt surrounded by family and love. If you celebrated Christmas yesterday as well, I hope that you had a wonderful day! I count all of you that come here to read my little corner of the blogosphere as one of my Christmas blessings. THANK YOU for spending time with me here at the Sole Woman!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Happy Anniversary
Today would have been my parent's 36th wedding anniversary.
I have been thinking about my Dad, and my parent's marriage all day long. One of the biggest blessings that God has given me is my parent's example of marriage. My Dad and Mom were always loving and kind to each other. I can only remember them arguing in front of us kids once when I was growing up. This doesn't mean they didn't have differing opinions, but they were so respectful and kind to each other when they did.
My Dad always spoiled my Mom on special days like birthdays and anniversaries, but he did special things for her in the everyday moments too. He provided me with a wonderful example of what a husband can be, should be, and needs to be. His example helped lead me to Jeff, and I am so thankful.
When my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary, my siblings and I surprised them with an anniversary party, complete with all of their friends and family. It is one of the few times we were really able to pull one off on my Dad. I will never forget his expression of shock as he walked in the door to my house and saw everyone gathered there to celebrate them. We thought we would be able to do a bigger more formal party for them when they made it to their 40th or 50th anniversary, but it turned out to be our only opportunity. I am so grateful that God gave us the inspiration to throw them that party. I am also grateful that we had a friend who is also a photographer take pictures of that night. They are treasures to me now.
I wish that my parents had been able to celebrate many more anniversaries together. But I am so lucky to have been a witness to the 35 1/2 years they were together.
I have been thinking about my Dad, and my parent's marriage all day long. One of the biggest blessings that God has given me is my parent's example of marriage. My Dad and Mom were always loving and kind to each other. I can only remember them arguing in front of us kids once when I was growing up. This doesn't mean they didn't have differing opinions, but they were so respectful and kind to each other when they did.
My Dad always spoiled my Mom on special days like birthdays and anniversaries, but he did special things for her in the everyday moments too. He provided me with a wonderful example of what a husband can be, should be, and needs to be. His example helped lead me to Jeff, and I am so thankful.
When my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary, my siblings and I surprised them with an anniversary party, complete with all of their friends and family. It is one of the few times we were really able to pull one off on my Dad. I will never forget his expression of shock as he walked in the door to my house and saw everyone gathered there to celebrate them. We thought we would be able to do a bigger more formal party for them when they made it to their 40th or 50th anniversary, but it turned out to be our only opportunity. I am so grateful that God gave us the inspiration to throw them that party. I am also grateful that we had a friend who is also a photographer take pictures of that night. They are treasures to me now.
I wish that my parents had been able to celebrate many more anniversaries together. But I am so lucky to have been a witness to the 35 1/2 years they were together.
I love you Mom and Dad. You are both my heroes.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
And so this is Christmas...
I have been missing my little blog. I didn't mean to neglect it this month, but December? It's been crazy.
I know it's crazy for everybody, and I shouldn't complain. Not all of it has been bad crazy. There have been good moments, like Evan singing in a trio at the 6-8 Christmas concert at school.
Or when Charlie and Sammy sang their preschool Christmas program, and neither were scared to perform. Sammy now loves to walk around the house singing "Up On the Housetop", which is cuter than anything.
Or when my aunts, mom, and sister and I all got together and baked our brains out, and made hundreds of Christmas goodies, all in one day.
Or when I sang with the choir at Mass for my first performance sing my Dad died. Music lifts my spirit, and singing in church makes me feel surrounded by God's love. It's been so very healing.
Or when I got to spend my very favorite three weeks of the year with my class at school. There is nothing more magical than spending time with small children in December. I love my 1st graders. They've helped me to heal too.
Or when I got to go out to dinner with a good friend, and just talk. I love girl time.
There have also been ear aches, sinus infections, bronchitis, and crazy schedules, but I guess in looking back, I notice the good makes up for the crazy.
The good also helps to make up a little bit for the grief. I miss my Dad. SO much. Of course, it is harder around the holidays, but the every day things are so much harder to me. I wanted him to see Evan sing (and I prayed like crazy that he could peek down from heaven and see Evan, so brave up on that stage...and I really think he did). I want to call him on the phone and ask him a question. I want to see him at church. I want to drink coffee with him at breakfast on Sunday. I want to tell him I love him.
I'm getting by. I'm still excited about Christmas, mostly because my kids are excited. I still feel joy and happiness in my life and my family. But December would be so much better with Dad here with me. Maybe that's selfish, because I know how much joy he must be experiencing in heaven. The glory of Christmas in heaven must be incredible! I just wish we had gotten to have a little more time together here on Earth first.
I know it's crazy for everybody, and I shouldn't complain. Not all of it has been bad crazy. There have been good moments, like Evan singing in a trio at the 6-8 Christmas concert at school.
Or when Charlie and Sammy sang their preschool Christmas program, and neither were scared to perform. Sammy now loves to walk around the house singing "Up On the Housetop", which is cuter than anything.
Or when my aunts, mom, and sister and I all got together and baked our brains out, and made hundreds of Christmas goodies, all in one day.
Or when I sang with the choir at Mass for my first performance sing my Dad died. Music lifts my spirit, and singing in church makes me feel surrounded by God's love. It's been so very healing.
Or when I got to spend my very favorite three weeks of the year with my class at school. There is nothing more magical than spending time with small children in December. I love my 1st graders. They've helped me to heal too.
Or when I got to go out to dinner with a good friend, and just talk. I love girl time.
There have also been ear aches, sinus infections, bronchitis, and crazy schedules, but I guess in looking back, I notice the good makes up for the crazy.
The good also helps to make up a little bit for the grief. I miss my Dad. SO much. Of course, it is harder around the holidays, but the every day things are so much harder to me. I wanted him to see Evan sing (and I prayed like crazy that he could peek down from heaven and see Evan, so brave up on that stage...and I really think he did). I want to call him on the phone and ask him a question. I want to see him at church. I want to drink coffee with him at breakfast on Sunday. I want to tell him I love him.
I'm getting by. I'm still excited about Christmas, mostly because my kids are excited. I still feel joy and happiness in my life and my family. But December would be so much better with Dad here with me. Maybe that's selfish, because I know how much joy he must be experiencing in heaven. The glory of Christmas in heaven must be incredible! I just wish we had gotten to have a little more time together here on Earth first.
Monday, November 01, 2010
My Comforter
I was smacked in the face today by this verse...
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Cor. 1:2
Thank you God for comforting me. For helping me through this trial. I am praying that He will use me to comfort others who may also feel the pain of loosing a loved one.
God IS amazing!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Cor. 1:2
Thank you God for comforting me. For helping me through this trial. I am praying that He will use me to comfort others who may also feel the pain of loosing a loved one.
God IS amazing!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Life
As much as I feel time should have stopped on September 28th, life and time does move on. I think it is doubly hard for me because for seven weeks after my Dad's surgery, life was on a crazy, hectic pace. I would go to work during the day, come home and rush dinner and homework, sneak in some family time with the kids, and then I would go to the hospital or to my parent's house to help care for my Dad. I didn't have much time to think, I only had time to do. To care for others.
After Dad died, not only was he gone, but the hectic pace came to an abrupt halt, and I was left with too much time to think. All of the emotion from Dad's passing, doubled with the emotional stress of the previous 7 weeks hit me like a freight train. I think this is why for a few weeks I would find myself doing an everyday mundane task and think to myself, "Why in the world do I have to do this? Why is this important?"
I am beginning to take joy in the everyday again. Mostly because I know how extremely irritated Daddy would be if we didn't enjoy our time here on Earth. I have enjoyed watching Charlie end his second soccer season with a trophy he is so proud of that he sleeps with it, seeing Sammy and Charlie dressed in Halloween costumes, and hearing Evan prepare for his Christmas concert where he will be singing in a trio. I am enjoying my classroom and my students, and the feeling it gives me of following a vocation from God. I feel purpose in being a wife, a mother, and a teacher. My role as a daughter is more important to me than ever. I want to be there for my Mom as much as possible as she journeys through this new stage in her life.
We are all learning to cope and to continue. We will always miss Dad, love Dad, and wish he was still here with us. But we will also still enjoy, love, and embrace the life we still have to lead.
After Dad died, not only was he gone, but the hectic pace came to an abrupt halt, and I was left with too much time to think. All of the emotion from Dad's passing, doubled with the emotional stress of the previous 7 weeks hit me like a freight train. I think this is why for a few weeks I would find myself doing an everyday mundane task and think to myself, "Why in the world do I have to do this? Why is this important?"
I am beginning to take joy in the everyday again. Mostly because I know how extremely irritated Daddy would be if we didn't enjoy our time here on Earth. I have enjoyed watching Charlie end his second soccer season with a trophy he is so proud of that he sleeps with it, seeing Sammy and Charlie dressed in Halloween costumes, and hearing Evan prepare for his Christmas concert where he will be singing in a trio. I am enjoying my classroom and my students, and the feeling it gives me of following a vocation from God. I feel purpose in being a wife, a mother, and a teacher. My role as a daughter is more important to me than ever. I want to be there for my Mom as much as possible as she journeys through this new stage in her life.
We are all learning to cope and to continue. We will always miss Dad, love Dad, and wish he was still here with us. But we will also still enjoy, love, and embrace the life we still have to lead.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Photographs
It was not the first time I had tried to wish and pray myself into a picture.
When I was 12, Nickelodeon started playing reruns of the Monkees TV show. I fell head first into my first celebrity crush...Micky Dolenz, the handsome and curly haired drummer of the 1960s band was the first guy to make my heart pound. Never mind that he was in his 40s by the time I was introduced to him. My Mom helped to feed my obsession when she dug through her old record collection, and found me an original Monkees album, which I then listened to ad nauseum on my record player.
Not long afterwards, I read a book in which the main character stared so hard at a picture she found herself tumbling into it, and she had a whole new life inside the photograph. My 12 year old self thought about how awesome this would be, and I am embarrassed to admit, tried mightily to wish myself into a picture of Micky Dolenz on the beach. I found the picture on the back of the album cover, and boy oh boy, did I want to join his 20 year old handsome self next to the sand and the surf.
A couple of days ago, I was looking through pictures of our trip to the lake last summer. I was missing my dad terribly, and I needed to see his face. I came across a picture of my Dad and I playing shuffleboard on the court behind our cabins. We had the best time together. He beat the pants off me the first three games we played. The next night though, I started to get the hang of it. He was proud of me for giving him a challenge, but I never did beat him. When I looked into the picture, I saw him as he was just three short months ago. So strong. So healthy. I was overwhelmed with a sense of disbelief. How can it be that he isn't here anymore? How can it be possible that I can't call him on the phone and remind what a great time we had playing shuffle board? He was so healthy. And so vibrant. Neither of the people in the picture had any clue our time left together was so short, and we wouldn't have believed it if you had told us.
And then I stared and stared at my Dad. And I wanted so badly to go inside that photograph and be able to have that one night with him again. To give him a hug and tell him I love him one more time. Or to be able to warn him of the future, and beg him not to get that stupid surgery. I know it doesn't do any good to keep thinking it, or saying it, but ohmygosh....I want my Daddy back.
And then I remembered being 12 and doing the same thing, and I had to giggle a little. It also made me remember that my Dad took me to a Monkees concert the year I was 12, at Rosenblatt stadium. It was my first and only concert I have ever been to, and I loved it. He even brought me a Monkees souvenir book and I still have it. I am sure Dad was miserable, but I am so thankful that he was the kind of Dad who was willing to be miserable just to make his daughter happy.
They aren't enough to make up for him being gone, or to fill the empty void, but I am so glad that I have so many wonderful memories of my Dad. I am so glad that I told him I loved him so many times after his surgery. I would welcome the chance to tell him a thousand more times, but I know that he knows.
The one thing I am sure of, and the one thing that does make me feel better, is that I still feel his love for me. All the way from heaven.
When I was 12, Nickelodeon started playing reruns of the Monkees TV show. I fell head first into my first celebrity crush...Micky Dolenz, the handsome and curly haired drummer of the 1960s band was the first guy to make my heart pound. Never mind that he was in his 40s by the time I was introduced to him. My Mom helped to feed my obsession when she dug through her old record collection, and found me an original Monkees album, which I then listened to ad nauseum on my record player.
Not long afterwards, I read a book in which the main character stared so hard at a picture she found herself tumbling into it, and she had a whole new life inside the photograph. My 12 year old self thought about how awesome this would be, and I am embarrassed to admit, tried mightily to wish myself into a picture of Micky Dolenz on the beach. I found the picture on the back of the album cover, and boy oh boy, did I want to join his 20 year old handsome self next to the sand and the surf.
A couple of days ago, I was looking through pictures of our trip to the lake last summer. I was missing my dad terribly, and I needed to see his face. I came across a picture of my Dad and I playing shuffleboard on the court behind our cabins. We had the best time together. He beat the pants off me the first three games we played. The next night though, I started to get the hang of it. He was proud of me for giving him a challenge, but I never did beat him. When I looked into the picture, I saw him as he was just three short months ago. So strong. So healthy. I was overwhelmed with a sense of disbelief. How can it be that he isn't here anymore? How can it be possible that I can't call him on the phone and remind what a great time we had playing shuffle board? He was so healthy. And so vibrant. Neither of the people in the picture had any clue our time left together was so short, and we wouldn't have believed it if you had told us.
And then I stared and stared at my Dad. And I wanted so badly to go inside that photograph and be able to have that one night with him again. To give him a hug and tell him I love him one more time. Or to be able to warn him of the future, and beg him not to get that stupid surgery. I know it doesn't do any good to keep thinking it, or saying it, but ohmygosh....I want my Daddy back.
And then I remembered being 12 and doing the same thing, and I had to giggle a little. It also made me remember that my Dad took me to a Monkees concert the year I was 12, at Rosenblatt stadium. It was my first and only concert I have ever been to, and I loved it. He even brought me a Monkees souvenir book and I still have it. I am sure Dad was miserable, but I am so thankful that he was the kind of Dad who was willing to be miserable just to make his daughter happy.
They aren't enough to make up for him being gone, or to fill the empty void, but I am so glad that I have so many wonderful memories of my Dad. I am so glad that I told him I loved him so many times after his surgery. I would welcome the chance to tell him a thousand more times, but I know that he knows.
The one thing I am sure of, and the one thing that does make me feel better, is that I still feel his love for me. All the way from heaven.
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