A long time...

Wow.  It's been a long time since I've written in this space.

Last weekend, Sammy, Evan, and I went to a family reunion for my Dad's side of the family.  We had a GREAT time!  I don't get to see my family nearly as often as I would like to, especially my cousins now that we all have families.  While I was there, I talked to one of my favorite people, my Aunt Joyce.  She reminded me to write some new posts here, so here I am!  (Hi Aunt Joyce!!)  It was nice to be reminded by family that people still check in here, and that this is still a good way to keep in touch.

So what's new?

We've had a wonderful summer.  So wonderful in fact it has prompted Jeff and I to consider whether it is time to make some changes in our work situation for our family.  I love my job.  I love teaching.  I have always, ALWAYS felt that I was called by God to be a teacher, and that He gave me certain gifts to help me accomplish a mission he had in mind for me in the classroom.  The hard part of teaching is that it absolutely is NOT a 9-5 job.  I spend hours after work and on the weekends creating learning materials, grading, lesson planning, etc.  This is easier said than done when you have three kids, and you are a wife.  Although I feel that teaching is a calling for me, I also feel that being a wife and a Mom is a God sent calling, one that takes the highest priority.

This summer, as I had time to relax, enjoy my kids, and actually get things done around my house, we came to some conclusions.  The first was that other people's kids always get my best.  That's tough for me to think about.  I want my best to go to my own children, especially when two of my kids are very high needs.  Secondly, I realized that I am never able to do anything really to the best of my ability, because I don't have time.  Being split in so many different directions is not allowing me to get anything done well.  I also discovered how much stress I am carrying around with me during the school year, and how much that is affecting my marriage and my kids.

Sooooo, we have been toying around with the idea of me staying home next year.  I have reservations about both sides of the decision, but I truly feel that we are being called to consider this as the next stage for our family.  If things can come together financially, we will see how it goes.  We are going to be thinking and praying hard about this during the school year.

Evan is getting ready to start his 8th grade year.  Junior high is never a super enjoyable time for anyone, but last year was especially hard for Evan.  As he works through the upper grades, his learning disabilities are really making things awful.  We made the decision that he needs to go to a public high school to receive the appropriate special education help.  It was a hard realization to come to.  I really wanted him to be able to have the private high school experience, but I know in my gut it isn't the right place for him.  Hopefully this year is a bit better.

Charlie is giving me a run for my money.  I love him to pieces, and he can have a heart of gold, but he is also very stubborn and willful.  He is still having massive temper tantrums, and we have been going to therapy for about a year.  I am not seeing any major improvements yet, but they always have good suggestions for us to try, and that gives me hope.  Luckily, he is an angel at school, and he is incredibly smart, so at least part of the parenting job with him is easy.

God bless Sammy.  He is a ray of sunshine in our family.  Always happy, always smiling, always giving hugs.  Hardly ever needs redirection or discipline.  I think God knew I had my hands full and needed a sweet pea.  He is starting Kindergarten in a few weeks, and that makes me sad.  They grow so fast.  As all mothers do, I long for time to slow waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down so I have longer to enjoy my babies and my family.

Jeff and I celebrated 7 years of marriage on July 22nd.  I am crazy in love with that guy.  We get better at marriage every year, and it gets to be more and more fun all the time.  It really surprised me when I got married how much work marriage is.  Work that is worth it, but hard as well.  My parents were so good at marriage they made it look easy.  Maybe someday Jeff and I will give that impression as well.  In the meantime, I am super blessed to have a husband who balances me, believes in me, puts up with me, and supports my dreams.  He was definitely worth the wait!

And me?  I am feeling better about myself than I have in a long time.  Last November, I went to my doctor, very frustrated with how I was getting nowhere with my health goals, despite healthy eating and exercise.  He did a lot of tests, and determined that my weight struggles were related to my issues with insulin resistance.  He put me on a low carb diet, and for the first time in my life, the weight began to melt away.  It was such a relief to begin to see the me I knew was in there in the mirror again.  Since then, I have lost a total of 45 pounds.  I have been feeling so much better physically, I have been able to go back to running in full force.  I've been able to get in a total of 12-15 miles a week, which for me as a busy Mom is GREAT.  My runs are great "me" time, where I can destress, think, and get healthy.  I love looking better and feeling better, but most of all I love feeling more confident about my overall health.  When my Dad died at only 58, my cardiologist told me I was in a very high risk group for also dying early of a heart attack.  I do NOT want to leave my family one minute earlier than I absolutely have to.  I can at least rest easier knowing that I am doing my best to improve my odds.  Thank goodness for my patient doctor who has been willing to do research and stick with me.

Now that it is August, I have been working my tootie off on my classroom.  I am trying to work up some excitement for the coming school year.  That usually comes more for me in October, once the students and I have settled in.  August is a rush to get everything done.  I always wish I could fast forward through the first few weeks.

I know I've said this before, but I am going to try and get back to this space on the web more regularly.  I always feel better when I do.  I am hoping to post some pictures this weekend.

Good Bye 2011

One of my favorite bloggers, Audrey McClelland from Mom Generations, says at the end of the year she likes to look back at three things: health, happiness, and family.  I really like this idea...to me these are some of the most important things in my life, with the addition of faith.

I struggled with my health this year.  In light of my Dad's death at only 58 from genetic heart issues, I am hyper aware of my health.  I know that what I do now can greatly affect how much time I get to spend on earth with my precious family.  My PCOS is getting worse, and I know this can also impact my heart health.  I feel great that my new diet, which is really more of a lifestyle change, is helping this.  I've already lost 10% of my body weight.  I have an appointment scheduled with a new specialist next week, and I going to be picking the brain of a very wise friend who also has PCOS to hopefully get more of my symptoms under control.  It's my goal in 2012 to do everything I can to get healthier.

There isn't a day that goes by that I am not thankful for my family.  We have had our challenges this year with both Evan and Charlie, but Jeff and I took positive steps in helping our children to improve in their academics and their behavior.  It's been hard, but I am so proud of us for working hard on these things.  Parenting...no one can prepare you for how HARD it can be!!  This year, I want to be more purposeful and present in my actions as a Mom.  Too many days I am just trying to get by and get through.  I don't want to waste my time with them.

And my husband...my wonderful husband.  Jeff is the greatest gift I will every receive from the Lord.  Having this man to walk next to in this journey is a blessing I am thankful for EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  I try not to ever take him for granted.  I fall more in love with him every day I have the honor of being his wife.

Happiness and faith have been so intertwined for me since September 28, 2010, the day my Daddy went to heaven.  In 2011, we continued to heal.  We are learning to be happy again.  But I have learned you never ever stop grieving, and the hole in our family will always be there.  You just learn how to cope with it...which for me is through faith.  It brings me such comfort to know that my Dad's life and death, and how it intertwines with my own, was known by God and in His hands long ago.  It brings me comfort to know that God is working great things in my heart through this experience, and that He has never left my side as we move through this new life without my Dad.  And above all, I take joy in knowing I WILL be with my Dad again, and I want him to be proud of how I carried on and the life I lead after he had to leave.  It's my goal in 2012 to make choices that both my Heavenly Father and my Dad will be proud of.

I'm looking forward to 2012.  I am hoping to have a year of growth.  I want to be a blessing to those around me. 

5 Years

5 years ago today, I married the love of my life.



Five years! I just can't believe it has been that long. I am still in awe that we found each other, and that God has blessed us with this time together. Marriage is not easy, but Jeff makes it all worth it.

And even though these five years have sped by, it has been long enough to create this...


Taken outside our cabin on our recent lake trip

The family I always wanted. From the time I was very young, I knew that God wanted me to be a wife, a mom, and a teacher. I felt these callings deep down in my heart, and I spent a lot of time dreaming about them. And now that I have these people to love and call my own? Awesome. I am so, SO blessed!

Happy Anniversary Jeff! I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for walking through life with me!

Attitude Adjustment

I am in need of a serious attitude adjustment.

Tax season is always a struggle for me as a wife. Intellectually, I know this is a time when I can really step up to the plate and show Jeff my love and support. I should be doing my best to make our home a place of sanctuary, to take care of the kids, and to offer him a positive shoulder to lean on when he is tired from working long hours.

Emotionally though, all I can seem to do lately is pity myself. I think grumpy thoughts about having to work a full time job, always be in charge of the house and the kids, and on and on. I find my brain running through this litany of complaints over and over again as I go through my daily tasks and by the time Jeff comes home I am like Mount Vesuvias. Poor guy. He just wants a warm meal and a friendly face, and instead he comes home to me. Grouchy Selfish Wife.

I need to keep joy front and center in my attitude. I am lucky to be wife to this man who works so hard to support us. I am lucky to have three beautiful boys to care for, and a home to call our own. I know these things. I know I need to be joyful. But how?

I so wish I was better at looking outside of myself and focusing on others. I wish I was better at being a joyful mother and wife. It's the best thing for my family. I am going to start by praying for Jeff, and my kids. I find it is a lot harder to be mad at someone you are praying intently for. You'll be able to find me in the next few weeks cleaning the bathrooms and fervently muttering prayers at the same time.

Here's hoping I can turn myself around. My family deserves it.

Holiday Stress

I am not usually a person who feels a lot of stress during the holidays. It is really and truly my favorite time of the year, especially after my children came along. I love the lights, the decorating, the baking, the events, and the shopping.

This year? Different story.

Remember that blizzard a couple of weeks ago? It was a lovely three days of being snow bound at home with my family. I loved snuggling on the couch and taking a break from life. But taking a break in December means that you are creating a pile up of chores to accomplish during an already very busy time.

Three days last week had me going, going, and going some more until 10:00 every night, hardly sitting down the entire time. So, last Wednesday, I took a personal day from work. I never do this. Usually I save my days and use them as sick days when I have to be caring for sick little ones. I am so glad I indulged myself this year with time. I finished my shopping. I ran errands. I went to the doctor. I wrapped gifts for three hours.

I was by no means done with my holiday chores when the day was done, but I felt so much more in control. I may make this an annual tradition. Sometimes Moms just need time to do some uninterrupted work.

On Thursday, I did something else I have never ever indulged in.

A cleaning lady.

I have always felt that the cleaning is something that I can easily and cheaply do myself. And most of the time? It is. I also feel like it is part of my duty as wife and mom to my family; to make our home a clean and organized space. Maybe it sounds silly, but it is truly something I think God wants me to do to minister to my family. But since I was drowning in chores and jobs this month, I thought...just this once.

Heaven is coming home after working all day to a house that smells fresh and clean. Every surface was shining, the appliances were gleaming, the beds were all made, and it was so beautiful I almost felt like we were in someone else's house. (Which perhaps says something about my cleaning abilities). Evan walked into his room and breathed a reverent "Wow Mom! This is AWESOME." The only downside? It was so clean, I didn't want the children to move or touch anything. Ever again.

I have had such a great weekend as a result. Since everything is clean, I have been able to get to other chores that have long been residing on my to do list. I feel energized by having a fresh start. So while I can't justify it being a regular occurrence, maybe I was wrong about the just this once part.

I am feeling better about Christmas being in 5 days. And I am over feeling guilty for helping myself out. I guess I'm not Super Mom after all, but that's okay.

This is a picture of me when I was 16 years old:



I am on the right with that incredible mane of hair. I am trying to grow my hair out right now, and I would kill to have some of that back. I am standing with my bestest friend in the whole world, Katy. I love that girl to pieces. She has stood with me through thick and thin, and through every bad decision I've ever made. And I am the queen of bad decisions, so I really gave her a workout in the best friend department.

There have been a flurry of old pictures of me and high school friends appearing on Facebook the last few days. I love looking at them, and remembering fun times, and dearly wonderful friends. I had the best friends in high school, and I will love them always. I love looking back at how their faces looked when I first came to love them.

But sometimes? When I look back at myself at this age in pictures, it makes me weep. The late teen/early twenties years are such an incredible time. A time when you don't have the responsibilities that come with age, and the only thing you really have to focus on is you. You are on the brink of your life, and every decision you get to make can be so important. When I look into this girl's face, my 16 year old self, I remember how idealistic I was, how self assured, how cemented I was in my convictions and that I would conquer the world. I just knew that I had the power to make the world a better place. And when I see her face, and remember how it felt to be her, I miss her terribly. I feel her loss way down to my bone marrow.

Is she still in here somewhere? Burried under all the pressures of adult life? It's not that I don't love my life right now. I am blessed, and I have everything that I prayed for and wanted at age 16. I became a teacher, married, and have a family. But being a wife, mother, and teacher means that all day every day people are depending on you and taking your time, energy, thoughts, and patience. When all is said and done, I probably have about 15 seconds a day for reflection, or me time, or getting to know myself. Or finding the self that I lost. I love the roles I have to play in life, but I wish they allowed for more time for me to be me. And not the Christy that is Wife Christy, Mother Christy, or Mrs. Kleffman the teacher Christy. I want to be ME. Just Christy Christy. I want to be able to reach back to 1994 and grab that girl's hand, and pull part of her back to the present, and find a way to weave all of it together.

How? I'm not sure or I'd do it right now. A vacation by myself? Maybe-but who has the time and opportunity to do that?! I think I need to add this to my prayer time. Or maybe I just need to squeak in a walk by myself in the evenings once in awhile. At any rate, I am going to be searching around inside myself to see if I am still in there somewhere. I'd like to renew my acquaintance.

Happy Anniversary!

4 years ago today, just about now, I looked something like this:



I am on the left, no make up. My hair was just beginning it's transformation for my wedding that evening. On the right, is one of my favorite people, my friend Katy. Isn't her hair a lovely shade of red? I've always wanted to have it as my own.



And here are my two best girls, Katy and Christi, doing each other's nails at the salon that same morning.



After getting beautified, we went out to lunch at Valentinos. Every bride should go out in public with her hair and veil before the wedding. It's delicious to feel so special. And next to me, is my 5 year old Evan, on the last day it was just the two of us, before we became a new family with Jeff. Isn't his smile the greatest?!



This is my flower girl Nora. She became a student in my classroom only four weeks later! Also, Evan has loved her since birth, and someday she will be my daughter-in-law. I love her to bits.



And here I am with my sister Sarah, who was my matron of honor. She is precious to me, and I am so glad she was there to stand next to me that day. You can't tell, but she is the smidgiest bit preggers in the picture!



And this my friends? THIS is my kick ass, cathedral length train on my dress. It was the one thing I knew I needed to have when I was dress shopping.



My bouquet was a replica of the bouquet my Grandma Sophie Micek carried in her 1934 wedding, 71 years before.



And most importantly, here I am 4 years ago today, vowing to love and treasure the love of my life, for the rest of my life. And while I wouldn't have believed it possible on that day, I love him a million times more today than I did when I pledged my life to him. I have learned that marriage takes a lot of work, and I have certainly had to grow into my role as a wife, but I am so incredibly thankful every single day that I have been blessed with Jeff as my husband. He is the greatest of friends, fathers, and providers. He rocks my world, every day.

Thanks for the best 4 years of my life, Jeff. I pray we have so many more together!

My Thursday

Want to know what I did today? Sure you do! Thanks for humoring me.

Woke up at 5:30, got myself and three boys to school and/or daycare by 7:00. Worked a full day until 4:00. Went home, did eye therapy with Evan, made dinner, cleaned up after dinner, mowed the yard, gave the toddlers a bath, pretended I am a nurse while treating the case of hives Charlie broke out with after playing in the backyard, did 2 loads of laundry, and put the boys to bed. I did all that by myself. Jeff, God bless him, is having a busy end to the fiscal year at work, and didn't get home until 8:00.

I'm tired.

I just read a book by James Patterson called Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas. (Soooo good, but soooooo sad. If you read it, get a large box of Kleenex ready). In it, he compares life to juggling 5 balls which represent health, family, work, and 2 other things I can't even remember. All the balls are made of rubber except for family and health. Those two balls are made of glass. If you drop the work ball, it will eventually bounce back. But you can't drop family or health, because it might be damaged, and it might shatter, and it's almost impossible to fix after that.

As a working mom, I am having a hard time balancing things. I so want to get the most out of our time together in the evenings, but it seems to go by in a blur of things that need to be done- like eating, dishes, homework, and bathing. Even so, there is so much I am not getting done around the house, that weekends end up being marathon sessions of a mile long to do list to keep the family moving smoothly.

Once the boys are in bed and I exercise for the day, I am left with about 45 minutes of down time for myself for the day, if I am lucky enough to not have school work to do.

I feel like I am dropping all five balls a lot of the time, doing a halfway job with everything. I am hoping I am not cracking the glass balls as I do.

I am craving more time with my kids lately. I have been praying a lot about being a stay at home Mom. Jeff works so hard to make our family stable financially, and he does a great job. I trust his leadership completely in finances, as he can turn $5 into $500, whereas I would use that same amount to put us into debt by $5000. Jeff thinks it would be best for me to continue working at this point, so I am praying to have a gentle spirit on this front, and follow his lead. I am also praying that God will lead me into whatever role he wants me to be.

If I am meant to be a Mom and a teacher, I'm okay with that. But I wish I had a clone. Or an instruction manual. Or maybe a maid? Right now, I am stretched way too thin. And I love my babies, all three of them, to the moon and back. I just want to do the very best I can for them. I just need to figure out how to accomplish that.

Mess

I loved this recent post on Cheaper By the Half Dozen where the author talks about her messy house. One of the things I love about reading blogs is that it makes me feel more normal. Isn't it great to know that you aren't the only one with a messy house, or naughty children, or bad hair?

The state of cleanliness in my house is one of the things that make me anxious on a daily basis. I don't just love neatness and order, I CRAVE it. It makes me feel calm and happy and in control. Unfortunately as a working mom with 3 boys and a husband who is never home, I never ever have enough time to clean. It is usually relegated to the weekends. But so are a million other things, and I never get to what I want to.

The other day I was exercising in the living room to one of my favorite exercise DVDs, when the woman on the TV screen ordered me to the floor for some push ups. The upside of this move was that the filth I was suddenly confronted with in an in your face manner totally distracted me from the torture of this inhumane form of exercise. The downside was that I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had vacuumed.

I berated myself for several minutes for not doing a better job. And then I remembered. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! And isn't that great? It helps a lot to know there are a lot of other dirty houses in America. My carpet may be full of fuzzies, but at least the kids are happy.

An Instruction Manual for My Husband

My cousin Teresa wrote on her blog a couple of weeks ago about a book she was reading on marriage and being a wife. I decided to order it from Amazon and read it myself. I love my marriage and the relationship Jeff and I have, but I always feel like I could do better at being a wife, especially with three kids running around. Sometimes I feel like I am so focused on them, and work that I leave poor Jeff out of the equation.

After reading the last two nights, I feel like the author has been sitting in a corner of my house for the last three years observing me, and then wrote this book about me as a way to bang me over the head with a frying pan and say, "Get a clue girlfriend!"

The things she says to describe pitfalls many wives fall into are me to a T. She says that husbands usually fall into one of three personality types, and my darling Jeff is Mr. Steady (her term) to a T. It's as if she were writing the chapter about him specifically. In fact, last night I read him some of the chapter, and he said "That's EXACTLY what I have been trying to explain to you about how I am and how I feel! FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS!" Poor man!

The biggest thing I am learning about myself is my problem with having a negative attitude. My personality type could be labeled Mrs. Bossy. Top that off with being a first born and you have MRS. BOSSY PANTS WITH A BAD ATTITUDE. I have a strong need for control, and when that doesn't happen, I get grumpy and negative. Funny thing about marriage-you are not in control of everything anymore! To continue my downward spiral, when I cause tension in this way because I don't get my way, I react in bad ways by trying to punish those around me by being cold and unfriendly. I know this may sound stupid, but the book helped me to realize that this doesn't help at all to change anyone's behavior around me. It's probably things that I should be able to see on my own, but I didn't. And it's great to feel like I have a new insight into myself, and my Jeff, who God Bless him has been so patient with me acting like a doofus.

So, the past few days, I have been praying for wisdom. Wisdom to be cognizant of my behavior and reactions. I have been making a huge effort to have joy in my heart, and to be thankful. And you know what? It hasn't just helped my marriage, but also my job. Being a teacher can cause a lot of burn out. It's a hard job a lot of the time. But when I focus on what I can change, and being thankful, it makes a huge difference. I have loved being with my class this week. I feel renewed in ways that make me feel like I am back to the excitement I had as a first year teacher.

I am also thankful for Teresa and her blog, and for sharing such a great nugget of information with me. Isn't the wide wonderful world of blogging amazing? It's a gift the way that people can touch others' lives in ways that weren't possible just a short time ago.