One Year

One year ago today, at 10:45 AM, I said good bye to my hero...my Dad.

I miss him.  Every single day.  I think about him all the time, I pray for him all the time.

The thing I've learned about grief this year is that it doesn't really go away or get better.  You just learn to live with it, and it becomes your new normal.  I hate having to have a normal that doesn't include my dad.

I love you Daddy.  You will always be my hero.  I love you to the moon and back.

Oh blog...how I've missed you!

This spring has been crazy busy for us.  It's meant I have been kept busy keeping my family going, with precious little time to sit at the computer and record my thoughts.  I am excited to see summer at my doorstep (we have our last day of school this Wednesday!!  WOOOHOO!!) when I will have time to catch up here at the Sole Woman, on the house, and with my kids.

April was a month of drastic changes for my family.  On April 2nd, my wonderful Grandma Rose passed away.  She was just short of 90 years young.  She was miserable at the end, and was dealing with congestive heart failure, so in some ways her passing was a blessing.  I am filled with happiness to know she is once again with my Grandpa, her parents, and her brothers and sisters.  After loosing my Dad, I have a different perspective on death.  Death is so hard on those of us left behind, but I have a new respect for the joy they must be feeling in heaven with Jesus.  In many ways, I don't know if I've been truly able to process her death.  I am still feeling pretty numb from Dad's death.  Her funeral and the events around it were a little too much to deal with at the time.

Two weeks later, on April 16th, my little brother Creighton married the love of his life, Lindsey.

It was a perfect day and a perfect ceremony.  I love them both beyond measure, and I am so excited Lindsey is my official sister.  I've felt that she has been for awhile, so it was nice to make it official formally true.

The combined effect of the funeral and wedding plus Easter the next weekend all made us feel like we were a bit bipolar and having massive mood swings.  We are all looking forward to a little down time, and some recovery time.

Looking forward to seeing my blog on a regular basis!

Spring

I am not usually one who is depressed by winter.  I mean, what teacher doesn't love a good snow day, right?  I don't mind snow much, mostly because I don't often have to drive to work in it.  Instead it usually means cozy days snuggled under blankets, a fire in the fireplace, and baking cookies with my boys.  Most years I don't mind waiting patiently for spring.  As a Nebraskan, this serves me well, as spring can often take it's own sweet time in arriving.

This year feels different.  I am very anxious for warm weather and sunny skies.  The stark snow and barren landscapes of winter have seemed too close to my own emotional outlook this year, and have felt  oppressive.  I think I am hoping that the cheery sound of chirping birds, sunny skies, and warm breezes can help transport me out of this season of grief.

I am learning that grief doesn't go away.  I thought at first it might.  The sharpness of it will dull with time, but it never leaves.  We are all adjusting to our new roles in life, the altered picture of our family.  I don't know if it will ever feel normal, or okay, but it is becoming less "new".  I am learning to deal with it, but it was somewhat of a surprise to me that everyday still brings tears.  Every single day.  I don't know if that will ever change.  And I guess if it doesn't, you just learn to keep going.

I am hoping the arrival of a new season, the season of new life, will help breathe new life into my heart.  I am feeling ready for some happy and some sunshine.  I know my Dad wants that for us to.

Birthdays and Other News

Boy, did we have a crazy weekend.

On Sunday, the dog got out of the yard, and I ended up having to chase him like the marathon runner I am NOT.  That crafty dog kept looking over his shoulder to make sure I was still behind him.  I think Aspen was having the time of his life, and thought he had invented a grand game for us to play!  He is lucky that I love him, and that I have been running on the treadmill, or there is no way I would have kept up with him.  Luckily for me, he got distracted by a pile of dog "doodoo" that he needed to sniff, or I don't know what I would have done. 

This all happened as we were supposed to be leaving for my nephew Colin's birthday party.  We were late to the party, and had only been there for about an hour when disaster struck again.  Sammy and the other cousins had already finished eating, so they went into the basement to play.  Somehow, Sammy tripped, fell, and face planted right on top of a toy box.  He took a chunk out of his cheek, and we had to take him to the emergency room.  He needed 7 stitches on the top layer, and some underneath.  I have never seen so much blood!  He also severely bit the inside of his cheek, so eating has been a challenge today.  I don't know if you can tell in the picture below, but his cheek is so swollen it looks like he has an apple stuffed in his mouth.

My poor Sammy bear!  He was impressed he got to watch Toy Story at the hospital, and he was so, SO brave.  He didn't make a peep while they were stitching him up, and he held so still.  I am so proud of him!

And today?  Today is my Charlie's birthday.  It was 5 years ago that this 10 pound, 23 1/2 inch bundle of joy was placed in my arms:

 And here is me, shortly before I was ready to push Charlie into the world.  I love how Charlie and I were both so surrounded by love and family and friends that day.  My parents were both in the room to see each of my children enter the world, and I am so thankful.

I love that my Dad is holding my hand in this picture.  I love that I had the most important men in my life holding my hands as I met my new little man for the first time.

Sometimes I miss Daddy so much it steals my breath away.  Today is one of those days.

I am thankful that God has given me Charlie, and that he is 5 today.  He is so spirited, and creative, and amazingly smart.  Sometimes it steals my breath away that I am lucky enough to be his mom.  And today is one of those days.

Despite the craziness, the stitches and blood, the sorrows, and the hard work that goes into my life, I am thankful.  And so blessed.  So very blessed.

Life

As much as I feel time should have stopped on September 28th, life and time does move on. I think it is doubly hard for me because for seven weeks after my Dad's surgery, life was on a crazy, hectic pace. I would go to work during the day, come home and rush dinner and homework, sneak in some family time with the kids, and then I would go to the hospital or to my parent's house to help care for my Dad. I didn't have much time to think, I only had time to do. To care for others.

After Dad died, not only was he gone, but the hectic pace came to an abrupt halt, and I was left with too much time to think. All of the emotion from Dad's passing, doubled with the emotional stress of the previous 7 weeks hit me like a freight train. I think this is why for a few weeks I would find myself doing an everyday mundane task and think to myself, "Why in the world do I have to do this? Why is this important?"

I am beginning to take joy in the everyday again. Mostly because I know how extremely irritated Daddy would be if we didn't enjoy our time here on Earth. I have enjoyed watching Charlie end his second soccer season with a trophy he is so proud of that he sleeps with it, seeing Sammy and Charlie dressed in Halloween costumes, and hearing Evan prepare for his Christmas concert where he will be singing in a trio. I am enjoying my classroom and my students, and the feeling it gives me of following a vocation from God. I feel purpose in being a wife, a mother, and a teacher. My role as a daughter is more important to me than ever. I want to be there for my Mom as much as possible as she journeys through this new stage in her life.

We are all learning to cope and to continue. We will always miss Dad, love Dad, and wish he was still here with us. But we will also still enjoy, love, and embrace the life we still have to lead.