Sadness

I am filled with sadness and worry this morning.

For the past seven years, I have been ever so blessed to teach with one of my dearest friends, Linda my Teacher's Assistant. She filled my day with camaraderie and humor, patience and love. She made coming to work each day something to look forward to.

Linda called me this morning to tell me that she will not be returning to school this year. Her mother is very ill, and Linda will now be caring for her Mom and her mentally challenged brother. I feel so awful for Linda, who has a tough road ahead. I am praying hard for Linda and her family. I wish there was something I could do to make this time easier for her.

Change and I? We're not good friends. Knowing change is on the horizon sends me into a worried tizzy. I hate this about myself. I wish I were better about meeting new challenges and changes like an adventure, excited for what lies ahead. I am filled with knots when I think about teaching this year without my friend at my side.

I am going to do my best and turn this worry over to God. I know that His plans are always better than mine, and I need to remind myself of this. What the Lord has planned for both Linda and I on our now divergent paths is better than anything I could ever dream up. I am going to shoot for a positive outlook on this.

Still, I am going to miss Linda so very, very much. My heart aches for her.

Girlfriends

One thing I have noticed in my 5 years of being married to a tax accountant, is that when one spouse has a job that requires them to work a lot of hours, the person that is left taking care of the family is left with precious little time to do things like nurture friendships. Instead, things like feeding and bathing the children, and laundry take precedence. Because I was a single mother for about 5 years before I got married and was yet again the sole person in charge of a household, my friendships with girlfriends have suffered sorely. I miss being in the company of a group of girls down to my very bones. Not having a "tribe" leaves me feeling adrift and lonely.

Last night I had a lovely little break from this whole conundrum. One of the other girls at school, who also happens to be one of my favorite people, invited some girls from school over to watch The Bachelor finale (I am obsessed with this show, which is a whole other post!) It has been years...literally years....since I have had a fun night out with a big group of girls. And oh! It was HEAVEN. I am so thankful that Jeff sacrificed and came home really early last night so that I could get out for a bit. Being able to laugh, talk, and laugh some more with a group of people who just "get" you is a gift.

I need, as much as I need to eat and breath, to do this on a more regular basis. I am not sure how to get it done, but I have to make friendships a priority.

And could you believe that Bachelor Jake?!! What was he thinking when he picked Vienna? An amazing ending to a great season! Looking forward to seeing Jake on Dancing With the Stars!

Company Girl Coffee

Today I am thinking of an old friend who is having a difficult week. She is the mother of one of my best friends, and also the mother of my first boyfriend. She played a HUGE role in my teenage years, and was like an extra mother to me. As an adult, she has become a trusted friend.

In November, my friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. After two surgeries in December, this month she started chemotherapy and radiation treatments. This week, her hair began to fall out. Last night, her husband shaved off the last of her hair for her.

I remember when my own Mom had to go through this same step. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2002. The surgeries were hard physically and emotionally, the chemo made her miserable, but one of the hardest steps was loosing her hair. When it was reduced to clumps here and there, she asked my Dad to shave the rest off for her. As women, we identify so much of our look and personality through our hair. To suddenly be stripped of this is shocking. My mother described it feeling as though she had to walk in public naked.

I was at my parents home when my dad shaved her hair, and it is a moment I will never forget. The tenderness between my parents. My mother's bravery. My mom asking a 3 1/2 year old Evan to hold her hand while her hair fell down around her. Evan standing next to her, holding her hand and patting her shoulder. All of it is etched into a forever memory. When it was all done, Evan looked at her and said, "Wow! That looks cool! Now you are my circle head Grandma!" We all laughed, and it was that child like humor that saved the moment.

And so, as my friend also goes through this experience this week, I am praying for her. I am praying that she is blessed with health, comfort, and peace. But most of all, I pray that she receives strength to get through the tougher moments.

If you could spare a second, please pray for her. The power of prayer is amazing! I know it will help immeasurably.

New Moon Heaven

I am a HUGE fan of the Twilight series. Today I got to feed my obsession by seeing the New Moon movie (and eat nachos with cheese...AWESOME!). It was so, SO, SO good. I loved it even more than Twilight. I always felt strongly that Bella should have chosen Jacob, and I love the line her father says in the movie, "Sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you." A lesson I learned the hard way several times over. Anywho, I love that Jacob was the featured guy in this movie.

I got to go with my friend Christi, which made it even more awesome. I love girlfriend time. It's been awhile since I've gotten to see her, so I had some volcano of the mouth issues as I gushed all of my news to her. Being with Christi is like soaking up sunshine. NO KIDDING! I feel so cheery and positive after I have spent an hour or two with her, which is why I am going to brave the crowds with her on Black Friday. And then we are going to have breakfast afterwards so I can gush at her some more. I love that she still likes me even though I can't stop talking when I am around her.

I am topping off my great day with family movie night. The boys picked Rudolph, which I thought was a fabulous choice, since I could watch Christmas movies all year long.

Happy Weekend to you!

This is a picture of me when I was 16 years old:



I am on the right with that incredible mane of hair. I am trying to grow my hair out right now, and I would kill to have some of that back. I am standing with my bestest friend in the whole world, Katy. I love that girl to pieces. She has stood with me through thick and thin, and through every bad decision I've ever made. And I am the queen of bad decisions, so I really gave her a workout in the best friend department.

There have been a flurry of old pictures of me and high school friends appearing on Facebook the last few days. I love looking at them, and remembering fun times, and dearly wonderful friends. I had the best friends in high school, and I will love them always. I love looking back at how their faces looked when I first came to love them.

But sometimes? When I look back at myself at this age in pictures, it makes me weep. The late teen/early twenties years are such an incredible time. A time when you don't have the responsibilities that come with age, and the only thing you really have to focus on is you. You are on the brink of your life, and every decision you get to make can be so important. When I look into this girl's face, my 16 year old self, I remember how idealistic I was, how self assured, how cemented I was in my convictions and that I would conquer the world. I just knew that I had the power to make the world a better place. And when I see her face, and remember how it felt to be her, I miss her terribly. I feel her loss way down to my bone marrow.

Is she still in here somewhere? Burried under all the pressures of adult life? It's not that I don't love my life right now. I am blessed, and I have everything that I prayed for and wanted at age 16. I became a teacher, married, and have a family. But being a wife, mother, and teacher means that all day every day people are depending on you and taking your time, energy, thoughts, and patience. When all is said and done, I probably have about 15 seconds a day for reflection, or me time, or getting to know myself. Or finding the self that I lost. I love the roles I have to play in life, but I wish they allowed for more time for me to be me. And not the Christy that is Wife Christy, Mother Christy, or Mrs. Kleffman the teacher Christy. I want to be ME. Just Christy Christy. I want to be able to reach back to 1994 and grab that girl's hand, and pull part of her back to the present, and find a way to weave all of it together.

How? I'm not sure or I'd do it right now. A vacation by myself? Maybe-but who has the time and opportunity to do that?! I think I need to add this to my prayer time. Or maybe I just need to squeak in a walk by myself in the evenings once in awhile. At any rate, I am going to be searching around inside myself to see if I am still in there somewhere. I'd like to renew my acquaintance.

Lovely

I just spent a lovely couple of hours having coffee with two old, dear friends. I have known both of these people and counted them as friends for over 16 years now (which I guess confirms my entry in middle agedom).

It reminded me how wonderful it is to have friends who have stood by you and loved you even during your most dreadful mistakes or dumb choices. I always come away so comforted to know that someone supports me, no matter what.

I think one of my resolutions for 2009 will be to make it a point to get myself out of the house more often this year to spend time with friends, as just me, and not as Christy the Mom. When I am out, I realize how much I miss myself, if that makes any sense.

Benefit

If you are in the Omaha area on Saturday morning (September 20th), please consider going to a pancake breakfast benefit, to help Jonah Borngrebe. Jonah is the 3 year old son of one of my classmates from elementary school who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. He is in need of many expensive treatments. You can read more about Jonah at:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/jonahborngrebe

The benefit is at St. Vincent de Paul church at 144th and Maple, from 8:30- 11:30 AM and includes pancakes with the pancake man, face painting, and other fun for the kids. I will be there with all three of mine in tow!

If you can't make it Saturday morning, I am sure prayers would be appreciated!

Tickled Pink

Last night on MySpace I found a friend that I haven't seen since I graduated from high school. He was one of my favorite people in band, and it was so good to find out how his life is.

That silly but addictive MySpace is finally good for something!

Charlie is not Afraid of the Water

I had the nicest afternoon on Friday (which was nice, since the rest of the weekend has been filled with three sick boys and their green snotty noses). I signed Charlie up for spring swim lessons at Swimtastic awhile ago. His preschool teacher, who is also a swim teacher at Swimtastic, thought it would be a good idea if we took Charlie to a family swim time there because she was really worried that he wouldn't get into the water at all at lessons (which makes me wonder how well she actually knows my child, because I wasn't worried about that at all, but whatever). Charlie was thrilled to FINALLY be allowed behing the glass wall and into the WATER he has lusted over the last 6 weeks of watching Evan swim. He loved floating on his back, on his front, was not scared at all to put his face in the water, and went down their water slide of his accord at least 10 times. I would have been terrified at that age to go down a shute and splash into deep water, but he thought it was all a lark. I think lessons will go fine! The best part was we met Christi and her little fish Alyssa there and we got a Koch fix in. Even though we had to shout bits of conversation at each other while our kids were in and out of the water, it was still so nice!!! I wish I lived next door to Christi. Then we could be like Lucy and Ethel.

What an HONOR!

I haven't written in forever, as the end of my summer was pretty excruciating, and included a lot of illness, but I will write about that later. Something so beautiful, and much more important happened to me yesterday...I had the supreme honor of becoming Joel Norman's godmother. Joel is the son of two of my closest friends, Adam and Christi. I have known Adam since we were 12, and it is so neat to be now playing a role in the life of his children. And Christi is my closest Mom friend, I don't know what I would do without her, so it was just the neatest thing to be asked, and to get to be a big part of Joel's life. I was so lucky as to see Joel come into the world in February, and this felt like the perfect continuation of that journey that began on his birthday. The ceremony was beautiful, the food afterword at Christi's parent's house was yummy (I was also able to fit in a trip to Mickel's on the way out of Harlan for some fried rolls-YUM!)but I was just tickled pink to be with Joel. I love you buddy! Congratulations!