On Why I Took a Blogging Break...

Right after Sam was born, and I was the mother of a newborn, a 10 month old, and a 7 year old, life was completely overwhelming. I went into survival mode, and got through every day by praying, counting to 10 to keep my patience countless times a day, praying again, and by telling myself that in a few short years when they boys were older it would be easier.

But...
it's not.

Some things are better. I am not feeding two infants bottles all day long, or changing diapers, or chasing after newly mobile toddlers. But these things have all been replaced by different difficulties. Like grumpy pre-teens, soccer and swimming lessons, eye therapy, helping a son with a major learning disability to tackle the intermediate grades, and temper tantrums. Add on a house that never stays clean for more than 5 seconds and a full time job, and I am wiped out all the time.

I originally came to the internet and blogging as a way to work through some of the stress of these things. It was a great release for me. But then I found that I was turning to it all the time, and putting off jobs around the house, or worse yet, spending more time with my laptop after school than my kids.

Between having less time down time due to the kids, and trying to detox from my internet fixation, my blog started to wither.

And I miss it! I miss having that record of what is going on in my kids lives. You think you will always remember the big moments without writing them down, but you don't. Recently I was filling out some paperwork for an evaluation that Evan is going to have done, and it asked things like when he started walking, talking, rolling over, and dressing himself. I knew a couple of them, but I found myself really having to ponder others. Which makes me so sad. I don't want to loose those tiny details, and I know I will if I don't record them.

I am going to do my best to get back here, both for myself and my kids. And what better time than the start of summer. Hopefully lots of lazy summer days are ahead of us.

Angst

Conversations with Evan lately take one of two directions.

Conversation One
Me: Evan can you please _____. (Insert household chore here).
Evan: What?! I can't believe you are making me dooooooooo that! You are the meeeeaaaaaanest Mom the whole wooooooooooorld! You just don't understaaaand me!

Conversation Two
Me: Evan can you please ______.
Evan: I can't do anything right! I'm the worst kid ever!
Me: Evan, PLEASE do not talk about yourself that way!
Evan: But I can't even take out the trash right, so I'm not going to.

Ugh. It hurts my heart, to suddenly be constantly at odds with my sweet little boy. We used to be so connected, and so in tune with each other. I hate that we have to go through this stupid teenage angst. And that it started at 11. Don't we have at least two more years to go before the hormones?

I remember having these conversations with my Mom. I remember being a complete, annoying wreck when I was anywhere from 13-20. But, for the life of me, I can't remember why. Why in the world did I feel that way? Why did the world seem out to get me? In particular my parents? I feel like if I could just recapture some of that, maybe I could make this easier on Evan and I.

But maybe too, everyone has to go through this. I just hate it. I want my kid back. I want my relationship with my kid back.

And I wish I could take back every single rotten thing I ever said to my mother as a kid. I get it now, what it did to her, and how it made her feel.

Ugh.

She Hit the Nail on the Head

Go read cjane's post today. She hit the nail on the head, and said everything I have been trying to write here within the last couple of months. Only she did it much more eloquently.

In fact, cjane is one of the most eloquent ladies I know.

So! Go read. What she says is so true, and I am so there with her. Are you?

This is a picture of me when I was 16 years old:



I am on the right with that incredible mane of hair. I am trying to grow my hair out right now, and I would kill to have some of that back. I am standing with my bestest friend in the whole world, Katy. I love that girl to pieces. She has stood with me through thick and thin, and through every bad decision I've ever made. And I am the queen of bad decisions, so I really gave her a workout in the best friend department.

There have been a flurry of old pictures of me and high school friends appearing on Facebook the last few days. I love looking at them, and remembering fun times, and dearly wonderful friends. I had the best friends in high school, and I will love them always. I love looking back at how their faces looked when I first came to love them.

But sometimes? When I look back at myself at this age in pictures, it makes me weep. The late teen/early twenties years are such an incredible time. A time when you don't have the responsibilities that come with age, and the only thing you really have to focus on is you. You are on the brink of your life, and every decision you get to make can be so important. When I look into this girl's face, my 16 year old self, I remember how idealistic I was, how self assured, how cemented I was in my convictions and that I would conquer the world. I just knew that I had the power to make the world a better place. And when I see her face, and remember how it felt to be her, I miss her terribly. I feel her loss way down to my bone marrow.

Is she still in here somewhere? Burried under all the pressures of adult life? It's not that I don't love my life right now. I am blessed, and I have everything that I prayed for and wanted at age 16. I became a teacher, married, and have a family. But being a wife, mother, and teacher means that all day every day people are depending on you and taking your time, energy, thoughts, and patience. When all is said and done, I probably have about 15 seconds a day for reflection, or me time, or getting to know myself. Or finding the self that I lost. I love the roles I have to play in life, but I wish they allowed for more time for me to be me. And not the Christy that is Wife Christy, Mother Christy, or Mrs. Kleffman the teacher Christy. I want to be ME. Just Christy Christy. I want to be able to reach back to 1994 and grab that girl's hand, and pull part of her back to the present, and find a way to weave all of it together.

How? I'm not sure or I'd do it right now. A vacation by myself? Maybe-but who has the time and opportunity to do that?! I think I need to add this to my prayer time. Or maybe I just need to squeak in a walk by myself in the evenings once in awhile. At any rate, I am going to be searching around inside myself to see if I am still in there somewhere. I'd like to renew my acquaintance.

Short and Sweet

Here is the tweet I just posted over on Twitter.

July makes me anxious. It is too close to August. And let me be clear: I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. The end.

I was going to do a whole lengthy post on this, but that just about sums it up.

I love being home with my kids, I love being in the sunshine every day at the pool. I love being the one to take care of what my kids need during the day.

Ugh.

Random Updates

I haven't been around this here blog for a few days, and it makes me sad. As I sat waiting for Evan to be done at eye therapy this afternoon, I thought about why. And the biggest thing I can come up with is that Evan's schedule is ruling our lives this summer, God bless him. I love the effect that his activities are having on him, but between swimming practice four days a week, a three hour swim meet every Wednesday night, once a week eye therapy at the doctor's office and daily home therapy sessions, Vacation Bible School, and Hummel Day camp-we hardly ever have a day to just putz around. And putzing? It's my favorite summer time activity. And you know what's scary? What will this be like when Charlie and Sammy have things to do too? Will I ever leave the car?!!!

At any rate, here are some random life updates, and I promise to try really hard to be here more often.

After the debacle last week of not finding the pool, Evan attended his second swim meet tonight. He placed second in the 25 meter butterfly, did pretty well with his first attempt at diving off the blocks, and helped his relay team to come in third by catching them up from last place as the final swimmer. Swim meets are something else. The pre-meet practice is from 5:15 to 6:00, with the actual meet taking place from 6:00-8:00 PM. Which makes for almost three hours of sitting in the blistering heat (and here in Omaha it has been close to 100 for the last three days) for the toddlers and I. Today, after only sitting about 15 minutes, Charlie and Sam were completely drenched in sweat and red faced. I starting getting worried about the safety of having two small children in severe heat for 3 hours, so I stripped them down to their shorts minus the undies and put them in the baby pool which was next to the main pool. Other parents soon followed suit with their small fries, and the mothers all stood with their feet immersed in the water as we cheered on our swimmers. I have seriously never sweated so much in my life. It was torturous. I love the boost to Evan's self confidence, the vastly improved swimming skills he is achieving, and watching my kid be a star, but let me be honest. I hate swim meets. Period.

I tried putting Sammy in undies the last three days. He just pees and poops whever he is, and happily goes on about his business with completely disgusting pants. I am giving up for now. He could care less. Yet again, I am stuck in a situation where this is fine with me, and daycare is going to throw a fit when school starts again. Yet another reason I would love to be a SAHM.

Charlie has been throwing huge temper tantrums again the last three weeks. I am at my wits end. I have talked with his pediatrician, and I am following his advice, but I may need an IV of valium to get through this stage. Maybe Super Nanny would take pity on me.

Jeff is back this week after a week long trip last week to Sacramento. Nothing shows just how much I love and appreciate my hubby as a week without him. MAN, I love that guy. SOOOO glad he is back!!

And also? I woke up this morning with a HUGE spider bite-on my rear end! First of all, YUCK to spiders in bed with me! I am completely disgusted by these horrid things. Second, it itches like the dickens, and you know, that's just not a good place to have to scratch. And lastly, it is swollen up to the size of a golf ball. Which makes sitting oh so fun!

And finally, here is a completely random thought. I wish that the micro scrubbing beads that they put in facial cleansers were colored instead of transparent. That way, when it gets in your eye and you are exfoliating your cornea instead of your pores, you could actually see it to remove it. Let's just say my left eye looks like hamburger meat after a bad experience this morning.

I promise to try and be back here more often so I don't have to do any more of these crazy random posts.

Motherhood is Tough

Do you ever feel that being a Mom is isolating? I sure do lately.

It means that it is hard to go anywhere. This can mean the grocery store or the doctor's office, but it can also mean a friend's house. When you are the primary caretaker for your kids, it is really hard to get out of the house. Which makes it hard to talk to other adults. Which in turn makes it hard to have friends.

A lot of moms I know begin to make friends through their kids when the kids go off to school. An unfortunate side effect of your kids going to school where you teach is that the other parents always see you as the teacher, and there is a distance between you. One that has to be there, I suppose. But the reality of it means that I haven't gotten to become friends with the other moms in Evan's class. And the moms of Charlie and Sammy's daycare cronies are my teaching buddies. Which leaves me with a very small circle of people to interact with.

I am invited to a jewelry party tonight at the home of one of my teaching friends that I was really looking forward to. Jeff worked late last night in an effort to get home tonight in time for me to attend, but it still is going to be a tight squeeze. Jeff works so hard to be a good provider for our family, which I am so thankful for. The long hours his job requires of him are hard for me though, as it means more time when I am left feeling isolated here at home.

My goal for the week is to give myself a kick in the pants when I start feeling lonely like this. I am going to remember back to the time when it was just Evan and I, and I was yearning to give him siblings, to have a father figure in his life. There was nothing I wanted more than to be a wife and to have more children.

Now that I have that, I need to continue to be thankful for the blessings I have received. I am going to remind myself to take joy in the little things, and remember that my job here at home as a wife and a mom is the best way I can serve my family, and the Lord. This is where I need to be. And it won't be forever. As Jeff and I were telling Evan yesterday in a talk about why we are expecting more out of him lately, Evan only has 8 more years and then he will be an adult. As soon as the words left Jeff's mouth they knocked me on my rear. 8 YEARS?! How did that happen? It's not nearly long enough for me. I am going to try and change my perspective this week and remember that our time with our kids is all to short, and there will be time for me later.

My Thursday

Want to know what I did today? Sure you do! Thanks for humoring me.

Woke up at 5:30, got myself and three boys to school and/or daycare by 7:00. Worked a full day until 4:00. Went home, did eye therapy with Evan, made dinner, cleaned up after dinner, mowed the yard, gave the toddlers a bath, pretended I am a nurse while treating the case of hives Charlie broke out with after playing in the backyard, did 2 loads of laundry, and put the boys to bed. I did all that by myself. Jeff, God bless him, is having a busy end to the fiscal year at work, and didn't get home until 8:00.

I'm tired.

I just read a book by James Patterson called Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas. (Soooo good, but soooooo sad. If you read it, get a large box of Kleenex ready). In it, he compares life to juggling 5 balls which represent health, family, work, and 2 other things I can't even remember. All the balls are made of rubber except for family and health. Those two balls are made of glass. If you drop the work ball, it will eventually bounce back. But you can't drop family or health, because it might be damaged, and it might shatter, and it's almost impossible to fix after that.

As a working mom, I am having a hard time balancing things. I so want to get the most out of our time together in the evenings, but it seems to go by in a blur of things that need to be done- like eating, dishes, homework, and bathing. Even so, there is so much I am not getting done around the house, that weekends end up being marathon sessions of a mile long to do list to keep the family moving smoothly.

Once the boys are in bed and I exercise for the day, I am left with about 45 minutes of down time for myself for the day, if I am lucky enough to not have school work to do.

I feel like I am dropping all five balls a lot of the time, doing a halfway job with everything. I am hoping I am not cracking the glass balls as I do.

I am craving more time with my kids lately. I have been praying a lot about being a stay at home Mom. Jeff works so hard to make our family stable financially, and he does a great job. I trust his leadership completely in finances, as he can turn $5 into $500, whereas I would use that same amount to put us into debt by $5000. Jeff thinks it would be best for me to continue working at this point, so I am praying to have a gentle spirit on this front, and follow his lead. I am also praying that God will lead me into whatever role he wants me to be.

If I am meant to be a Mom and a teacher, I'm okay with that. But I wish I had a clone. Or an instruction manual. Or maybe a maid? Right now, I am stretched way too thin. And I love my babies, all three of them, to the moon and back. I just want to do the very best I can for them. I just need to figure out how to accomplish that.

I've Lost It

Tomorrow on our family calendar I wrote "Pick up old cans".

What the heck?! I have no idea what that means.

I've finally lost it.

Lovely

I just spent a lovely couple of hours having coffee with two old, dear friends. I have known both of these people and counted them as friends for over 16 years now (which I guess confirms my entry in middle agedom).

It reminded me how wonderful it is to have friends who have stood by you and loved you even during your most dreadful mistakes or dumb choices. I always come away so comforted to know that someone supports me, no matter what.

I think one of my resolutions for 2009 will be to make it a point to get myself out of the house more often this year to spend time with friends, as just me, and not as Christy the Mom. When I am out, I realize how much I miss myself, if that makes any sense.