A long time...

Wow.  It's been a long time since I've written in this space.

Last weekend, Sammy, Evan, and I went to a family reunion for my Dad's side of the family.  We had a GREAT time!  I don't get to see my family nearly as often as I would like to, especially my cousins now that we all have families.  While I was there, I talked to one of my favorite people, my Aunt Joyce.  She reminded me to write some new posts here, so here I am!  (Hi Aunt Joyce!!)  It was nice to be reminded by family that people still check in here, and that this is still a good way to keep in touch.

So what's new?

We've had a wonderful summer.  So wonderful in fact it has prompted Jeff and I to consider whether it is time to make some changes in our work situation for our family.  I love my job.  I love teaching.  I have always, ALWAYS felt that I was called by God to be a teacher, and that He gave me certain gifts to help me accomplish a mission he had in mind for me in the classroom.  The hard part of teaching is that it absolutely is NOT a 9-5 job.  I spend hours after work and on the weekends creating learning materials, grading, lesson planning, etc.  This is easier said than done when you have three kids, and you are a wife.  Although I feel that teaching is a calling for me, I also feel that being a wife and a Mom is a God sent calling, one that takes the highest priority.

This summer, as I had time to relax, enjoy my kids, and actually get things done around my house, we came to some conclusions.  The first was that other people's kids always get my best.  That's tough for me to think about.  I want my best to go to my own children, especially when two of my kids are very high needs.  Secondly, I realized that I am never able to do anything really to the best of my ability, because I don't have time.  Being split in so many different directions is not allowing me to get anything done well.  I also discovered how much stress I am carrying around with me during the school year, and how much that is affecting my marriage and my kids.

Sooooo, we have been toying around with the idea of me staying home next year.  I have reservations about both sides of the decision, but I truly feel that we are being called to consider this as the next stage for our family.  If things can come together financially, we will see how it goes.  We are going to be thinking and praying hard about this during the school year.

Evan is getting ready to start his 8th grade year.  Junior high is never a super enjoyable time for anyone, but last year was especially hard for Evan.  As he works through the upper grades, his learning disabilities are really making things awful.  We made the decision that he needs to go to a public high school to receive the appropriate special education help.  It was a hard realization to come to.  I really wanted him to be able to have the private high school experience, but I know in my gut it isn't the right place for him.  Hopefully this year is a bit better.

Charlie is giving me a run for my money.  I love him to pieces, and he can have a heart of gold, but he is also very stubborn and willful.  He is still having massive temper tantrums, and we have been going to therapy for about a year.  I am not seeing any major improvements yet, but they always have good suggestions for us to try, and that gives me hope.  Luckily, he is an angel at school, and he is incredibly smart, so at least part of the parenting job with him is easy.

God bless Sammy.  He is a ray of sunshine in our family.  Always happy, always smiling, always giving hugs.  Hardly ever needs redirection or discipline.  I think God knew I had my hands full and needed a sweet pea.  He is starting Kindergarten in a few weeks, and that makes me sad.  They grow so fast.  As all mothers do, I long for time to slow waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down so I have longer to enjoy my babies and my family.

Jeff and I celebrated 7 years of marriage on July 22nd.  I am crazy in love with that guy.  We get better at marriage every year, and it gets to be more and more fun all the time.  It really surprised me when I got married how much work marriage is.  Work that is worth it, but hard as well.  My parents were so good at marriage they made it look easy.  Maybe someday Jeff and I will give that impression as well.  In the meantime, I am super blessed to have a husband who balances me, believes in me, puts up with me, and supports my dreams.  He was definitely worth the wait!

And me?  I am feeling better about myself than I have in a long time.  Last November, I went to my doctor, very frustrated with how I was getting nowhere with my health goals, despite healthy eating and exercise.  He did a lot of tests, and determined that my weight struggles were related to my issues with insulin resistance.  He put me on a low carb diet, and for the first time in my life, the weight began to melt away.  It was such a relief to begin to see the me I knew was in there in the mirror again.  Since then, I have lost a total of 45 pounds.  I have been feeling so much better physically, I have been able to go back to running in full force.  I've been able to get in a total of 12-15 miles a week, which for me as a busy Mom is GREAT.  My runs are great "me" time, where I can destress, think, and get healthy.  I love looking better and feeling better, but most of all I love feeling more confident about my overall health.  When my Dad died at only 58, my cardiologist told me I was in a very high risk group for also dying early of a heart attack.  I do NOT want to leave my family one minute earlier than I absolutely have to.  I can at least rest easier knowing that I am doing my best to improve my odds.  Thank goodness for my patient doctor who has been willing to do research and stick with me.

Now that it is August, I have been working my tootie off on my classroom.  I am trying to work up some excitement for the coming school year.  That usually comes more for me in October, once the students and I have settled in.  August is a rush to get everything done.  I always wish I could fast forward through the first few weeks.

I know I've said this before, but I am going to try and get back to this space on the web more regularly.  I always feel better when I do.  I am hoping to post some pictures this weekend.

Angst

Conversations with Evan lately take one of two directions.

Conversation One
Me: Evan can you please _____. (Insert household chore here).
Evan: What?! I can't believe you are making me dooooooooo that! You are the meeeeaaaaaanest Mom the whole wooooooooooorld! You just don't understaaaand me!

Conversation Two
Me: Evan can you please ______.
Evan: I can't do anything right! I'm the worst kid ever!
Me: Evan, PLEASE do not talk about yourself that way!
Evan: But I can't even take out the trash right, so I'm not going to.

Ugh. It hurts my heart, to suddenly be constantly at odds with my sweet little boy. We used to be so connected, and so in tune with each other. I hate that we have to go through this stupid teenage angst. And that it started at 11. Don't we have at least two more years to go before the hormones?

I remember having these conversations with my Mom. I remember being a complete, annoying wreck when I was anywhere from 13-20. But, for the life of me, I can't remember why. Why in the world did I feel that way? Why did the world seem out to get me? In particular my parents? I feel like if I could just recapture some of that, maybe I could make this easier on Evan and I.

But maybe too, everyone has to go through this. I just hate it. I want my kid back. I want my relationship with my kid back.

And I wish I could take back every single rotten thing I ever said to my mother as a kid. I get it now, what it did to her, and how it made her feel.

Ugh.

Holiday Stress

I am not usually a person who feels a lot of stress during the holidays. It is really and truly my favorite time of the year, especially after my children came along. I love the lights, the decorating, the baking, the events, and the shopping.

This year? Different story.

Remember that blizzard a couple of weeks ago? It was a lovely three days of being snow bound at home with my family. I loved snuggling on the couch and taking a break from life. But taking a break in December means that you are creating a pile up of chores to accomplish during an already very busy time.

Three days last week had me going, going, and going some more until 10:00 every night, hardly sitting down the entire time. So, last Wednesday, I took a personal day from work. I never do this. Usually I save my days and use them as sick days when I have to be caring for sick little ones. I am so glad I indulged myself this year with time. I finished my shopping. I ran errands. I went to the doctor. I wrapped gifts for three hours.

I was by no means done with my holiday chores when the day was done, but I felt so much more in control. I may make this an annual tradition. Sometimes Moms just need time to do some uninterrupted work.

On Thursday, I did something else I have never ever indulged in.

A cleaning lady.

I have always felt that the cleaning is something that I can easily and cheaply do myself. And most of the time? It is. I also feel like it is part of my duty as wife and mom to my family; to make our home a clean and organized space. Maybe it sounds silly, but it is truly something I think God wants me to do to minister to my family. But since I was drowning in chores and jobs this month, I thought...just this once.

Heaven is coming home after working all day to a house that smells fresh and clean. Every surface was shining, the appliances were gleaming, the beds were all made, and it was so beautiful I almost felt like we were in someone else's house. (Which perhaps says something about my cleaning abilities). Evan walked into his room and breathed a reverent "Wow Mom! This is AWESOME." The only downside? It was so clean, I didn't want the children to move or touch anything. Ever again.

I have had such a great weekend as a result. Since everything is clean, I have been able to get to other chores that have long been residing on my to do list. I feel energized by having a fresh start. So while I can't justify it being a regular occurrence, maybe I was wrong about the just this once part.

I am feeling better about Christmas being in 5 days. And I am over feeling guilty for helping myself out. I guess I'm not Super Mom after all, but that's okay.

Seeing God in the Little Things

Today Rachel Anne over at Home Sanctuary asked the Company Girls:
How is God working in YOUR life? Do you sometimes miss the quiet presence of our amazing God in the hustle and bustle of life?

(I have been reading her blog for a long while now...I love her inspiration and advice, and the motivation to get things done around my home-but this is the first time I have participated in the monthly point challenge and the weekly company coffee!! I'm very excited!)

The thing I am really loving about this holiday season is that I have had the chance to see and feel God through my children. We have made time this week to pick out a holiday movie or book every day after bathtime, and then we all pile onto the couch (even the cat!), turn out all the lights except the Christmas tree, and snuggle in together. While my children enjoy Rudolph and the Grinch, I have loved having time to just stare at their beautiful faces, full of holiday wonder. I have had the chance to kiss their sweet cheeks and smell their freshly washed hair. I have been so thankful for God giving me the honor of raising these children, and the joy of being the mother in this family. I love where I am in my life, especially with my family, and I am SO thankful that the holiday season has provided me with the chance to stop and really experience that joy.

I hope that all of you have the chance this holiday season to love on your family, and to reflect on the blessings on your life. It's one of the best gifts of all.