Attitude Adjustment

I am in need of a serious attitude adjustment.

Tax season is always a struggle for me as a wife. Intellectually, I know this is a time when I can really step up to the plate and show Jeff my love and support. I should be doing my best to make our home a place of sanctuary, to take care of the kids, and to offer him a positive shoulder to lean on when he is tired from working long hours.

Emotionally though, all I can seem to do lately is pity myself. I think grumpy thoughts about having to work a full time job, always be in charge of the house and the kids, and on and on. I find my brain running through this litany of complaints over and over again as I go through my daily tasks and by the time Jeff comes home I am like Mount Vesuvias. Poor guy. He just wants a warm meal and a friendly face, and instead he comes home to me. Grouchy Selfish Wife.

I need to keep joy front and center in my attitude. I am lucky to be wife to this man who works so hard to support us. I am lucky to have three beautiful boys to care for, and a home to call our own. I know these things. I know I need to be joyful. But how?

I so wish I was better at looking outside of myself and focusing on others. I wish I was better at being a joyful mother and wife. It's the best thing for my family. I am going to start by praying for Jeff, and my kids. I find it is a lot harder to be mad at someone you are praying intently for. You'll be able to find me in the next few weeks cleaning the bathrooms and fervently muttering prayers at the same time.

Here's hoping I can turn myself around. My family deserves it.

Ah Tax Season!! How I Hate Thee!!

Oh friends. I am so discouraged this week.

And it's only Monday.

We are back in the throws of tax season around here. Back to the days when the kids see Jeff only when they kiss him good bye before school in the morning. I know I probably shouldn't complain about this when there are so many wives around the country who are dealing with their families on their own while their husbands are deployed for many months. I know what we go through isn't as bad as that, but it is still hard for me. I am praying for patience. For inspiration to be supportive to my husband while he is tired and overworked and doing his best to support our family. And for joy. Lots of insight to find joy in all these moments I am the sole caretaker of my kids.

I am also thinking I am a nutcase. I recently decided I would go back to school this summer, and tackle my masters degree. I made this decision in November, when the crusty, ugly, dark, and dank memories of tax season were pushed into a far off corner of my brain. Now that I've had a refresher course on how much fun it is to work a full day, take care of everything on the home front by myself, and still have school work to do in the evenings, I am wondering how in the world I will handle having homework again.

I'm not changing my mind yet, but I am going to take a step back and pray for direction. I am an expert at biting off more than I can chew, and usually for no more reason than to prove to myself that I can accomplish something. It may be time to learn I don't have to prove myself to myself anymore. And if anyone knows how to do that, I'd love some tips.

Fate

As I was telling Jeff good-bye this morning before I left for work, we were both lamenting over how tired we were from tax season hours, and how much we missed each other. I told him we needed an extra special date after tax season is over to celebrate and reconnect.

As we were driving to work, fate was with us, and I heard an announcement that tickets were going on sale for a performance by Bill Cosby the weekend after tax season is over. MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN! I love love love Bill Cosby. I love the Cosby Show. I still laugh uncontrollably at the reruns. I love his sense of humor.

So, I took the bull by the horns and bought two tickets online as soon as we got to school.

I CAN'T WAIT!!! A night on the town with Jeff and Bill-two of my favorite leading men.

Blah Blah Blah

I tried all day to think of something to write about on this here blog. And I couldn't come up with one single thing. Mostly because my brain is utterly fried. By 7:00 this morning I was already thinking about going to bed tonight. Which is in fact where I am right now. As soon as the boys were tucked into bed, I crawled under the covers too. I am making myself keep my eyes open until 9:00, because it seems slightly indecent to go to bed during the 8 o'clock hour.

I can't put into words how tired I have been the last several days. And you know what's dumb? Once I fall asleep, I keep waking back up. Even though I am totally tired, I just can't stay asleep. Probably stress I suppose. We have conference coming up next week, which means lots of extra work at school, Evan keeps getting assigned killer math homework which makes even my adult brain hurt and which I also have to do at the same time I am bathing children or cooking supper. Jeff is never home before 9:00. Sammy has been a bear because the antibiotic he is on is giving him major MAJOR diarrhea and his poor little bum has a huge case of diaper rash. Charlie is a crazy man. He has been having hair raising temper tantrums both at home and at school. My brother used to do the same thing when he was little and he turned out okay, but it still worries me. I think, "Is this kid unstable? Will he someday come after me while I am asleep with an ax?" And this weekend, a time when I normally try to rush around like a cray woman to catch up, is going to be killer. So many things going on. And not one of them will my hubby be home to help with, God bless him.

Anyway. Now that I have totally bored you with that stream of consciousness bout of complaining, I am off to bed.

So that I can wake up again in an hour.

Thanks for listening! I feel much better having let it all out!

Hmmm....

We had Godfather's Pizza delivered for dinner tonight. As I opened the door to the delivery man, Sammy poked his head out the door and said, "Oh! You bring McDonald's for Sammy!" Luckily the guy got a chuckle out of it.

Charlie, my child with the appetite of a bird, ate three pieces of Hawaiian pizza. Even the pineapple! When he was finished he declared, "My tummy feels so happy!" That's what it feels like to be full, buddy!

Today Sammy proclaimed that the name for an ambulance is a happy mint. What's sad is that the stuff he says is so funny that you can't help saying it yourself. So, today we talked about riding in an alligator, seeing a happy mint on the road, and about why owls growl.

This is the first weekend of the 2009 tax season at our house. Jeff works for a large company here in town as a tax accountant. It's corporate taxes, not personal, which is good since I hear the hours there are worse. God bless the spouses of each and every personal tax accountant!!! BUT...it is not a fun time non the less. In previous years, they have hired on extra people during tax time to help with the work load, but this year with the bad economy they will be doing all the work themselves. FUN!!! Even more hours! I am just thrilled.

BUT!

In my effort to have a thankful and merry heart, here is what I am focusing on, with a smile on my face. Please ignore the fact that my smile may be pasted on top of gritted teeth. I am new to this thankful bit! I am working into it slowly. So without further ado, here's my list.

1. I am thankful my husband has a job during these tough times.
2. I am thankful that his job is one he is loves, and provides him with personal satisfaction.
3. I am thankful the job allows us to have a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood.
4. I am thankful my husband has a strong work ethic, and that it is important to him to provide for and protect his family.
5. I am thankful that I have lots of family close by who help me out with the kids when the going gets rough for me during tax time.
6. I am thankful to have Jeff period, no matter what his job and the hours it requires of him.

See! I feel much better already. I am going to chant these tomorrow as Jeff goes in to work and I am missing him. My book also recommends playing music and dancing as you do your work to help lift your mood, so I have organized a kitchen dance party with my kids Saturday morning.

There is a family at my school that lost it's husband and father this week very unexpectedly. He was only 47 years old. I cannot stop thinking about and praying for the mother who is now left alone with her three children. I can't imagine having so much life still ahead of you without your spouse to walk through it with you at your side. It really put a lot of things in perspective. Who cares about long work hours? I am lucky enough to have my husband here on earth, and that is what's important.

Stress

It is amazing how quickly life can go from a calm, fun, relaxing time with your family to major stress.

We had the best two weeks off from school. Charlie returned to being his normal cheerful self. We had a few temper tantrums, but they were short lived, and not every day.

When we went back to school today he immediately returned to his horrible evenings. He is so tired when he comes back from school he has one long temper tantrum every day from the time we get home to the time dinner is on the table. A tantrum that includes screaming, crying, banging his head on the floor, and tonight-slamming Sammy's hand in the door. All five fingers. I was hoping maybe we had broken the tantrum habit over break, but apparently not.

Sammy was in a terrible mood too, which is unusual for him unless he is sick.

Evan was in a tizzy from the time I picked him up from After School care. Apparently some of his friends there had reminded him that he had forgotten to complete a large English project over break, which is of course due tomorrow. He was completely opposed to doing his eye therapy when we got home because he was so worried about his project. Add that to being overtired due to getting up at his regular wake up time, and you have one sassy grumpy 10 year old.

And to top it all off-it's tax season again in our household, which equals Jeff not getting home until 7:30 or 8:00 everynight. I had no idea what I was signing up for when I married an accountant.

So, I am backed to being pooped and disgusted. I am going to try hard to stay positive and recapture some of that vacation calm I had yesterday. I am praying hard all three of my boys are in better moods tomorrow.