A Date With Dad

When I was in high school, every couple of weeks or so my Dad would take me out for a "Coke Date". Nothing fancy...we would just go to a nearby restaurant and order cokes, maybe some onion rings, and just talk. Just us together. When I was navigating the rocky waters of being a teenage girl (TORTURE I tell you-to be a teenage girl) this was one of the things that kept me grounded. They will always be one of my best memories of my Dad, who is truly one of the best guys I know.

Nowadays, we don't get to have our Coke dates, but whenever I get to have some Daddy/Daughter time with Dad, and it is just us, I love it. A couple of weeks ago, I got the chance to do just that.

Do you know the amazing Garrison Keillor? I grew up listening to his radio show and TV show "A Prairie Home Companion" with my parents. I love his storytelling, but I also love his voice. It is like warm honey, and OH so relaxing. When I was in labor with Evan, I listened to his voice telling calming stories to relax me through each contraction. When I was ready to give in to an anxiety attack after Sam was born, I walked around with my Garrison's voice coming through my iPod to help soothe my nerves. Right before Easter, I discovered that Garrison would be coming to Omaha, and that I might have the chance to see him in person! I immediately grabbed up two tickets, and then invited my Dad to join me.

It was a great evening. It was my first time to visit the Holland Performing Arts center in downtown Omaha, and it was beautiful. Seeing Garrison in person, hearing that honey smooth voice in person was amazing. But spending an evening with my Dad? That? Was priceless.

Our New Church Home

We have an exciting event happening right now in our church family! When we moved to our house 4 years ago, we joined a brand new parish called St. Charles Borromeo. Our neighborhood is located in the very western edge of Omaha, in an area that is still surrounded by farm fields and country roads. It is a quickly developing area that was in need of a new church. We spent 4 long years in the gym of a public elementary school while funds were raised for a new church building.

The church finally broke ground in October, and just 6 short months later, we are ready for our very first services this weekend! Last Sunday we went to an Open House. We were wowed to find all of this...


Beautiful stained glass behind the altar...the window is from another church that closed, and is over 100 years old


View of the altar


Stations of the Cross, also from the closed parish, also over 100 years old. Beautiful!

We are just so excited to be in a normal worship space! Sammy has been in a "gym church" all of his life, and when we go to services at other churches, he always asks me where the basketball hoops are! It is a going to be an adjustment for the kids, but a good one!

We can't wait for services this weekend!

On Why I Took a Blogging Break...

Right after Sam was born, and I was the mother of a newborn, a 10 month old, and a 7 year old, life was completely overwhelming. I went into survival mode, and got through every day by praying, counting to 10 to keep my patience countless times a day, praying again, and by telling myself that in a few short years when they boys were older it would be easier.

But...
it's not.

Some things are better. I am not feeding two infants bottles all day long, or changing diapers, or chasing after newly mobile toddlers. But these things have all been replaced by different difficulties. Like grumpy pre-teens, soccer and swimming lessons, eye therapy, helping a son with a major learning disability to tackle the intermediate grades, and temper tantrums. Add on a house that never stays clean for more than 5 seconds and a full time job, and I am wiped out all the time.

I originally came to the internet and blogging as a way to work through some of the stress of these things. It was a great release for me. But then I found that I was turning to it all the time, and putting off jobs around the house, or worse yet, spending more time with my laptop after school than my kids.

Between having less time down time due to the kids, and trying to detox from my internet fixation, my blog started to wither.

And I miss it! I miss having that record of what is going on in my kids lives. You think you will always remember the big moments without writing them down, but you don't. Recently I was filling out some paperwork for an evaluation that Evan is going to have done, and it asked things like when he started walking, talking, rolling over, and dressing himself. I knew a couple of them, but I found myself really having to ponder others. Which makes me so sad. I don't want to loose those tiny details, and I know I will if I don't record them.

I am going to do my best to get back here, both for myself and my kids. And what better time than the start of summer. Hopefully lots of lazy summer days are ahead of us.

Girlfriends

One thing I have noticed in my 5 years of being married to a tax accountant, is that when one spouse has a job that requires them to work a lot of hours, the person that is left taking care of the family is left with precious little time to do things like nurture friendships. Instead, things like feeding and bathing the children, and laundry take precedence. Because I was a single mother for about 5 years before I got married and was yet again the sole person in charge of a household, my friendships with girlfriends have suffered sorely. I miss being in the company of a group of girls down to my very bones. Not having a "tribe" leaves me feeling adrift and lonely.

Last night I had a lovely little break from this whole conundrum. One of the other girls at school, who also happens to be one of my favorite people, invited some girls from school over to watch The Bachelor finale (I am obsessed with this show, which is a whole other post!) It has been years...literally years....since I have had a fun night out with a big group of girls. And oh! It was HEAVEN. I am so thankful that Jeff sacrificed and came home really early last night so that I could get out for a bit. Being able to laugh, talk, and laugh some more with a group of people who just "get" you is a gift.

I need, as much as I need to eat and breath, to do this on a more regular basis. I am not sure how to get it done, but I have to make friendships a priority.

And could you believe that Bachelor Jake?!! What was he thinking when he picked Vienna? An amazing ending to a great season! Looking forward to seeing Jake on Dancing With the Stars!

Back Again

My poor, poor blog. I got it all prettied up, and then I neglected it for two weeks.

I am going to clear out the cobwebs around here, spruce things up, and give you an update.
And, I am going to try and make it here more regularly. Hopefully life slows down a bit so I can.

My dad is doing so much better. He actually went back to work on Wednesday for the first time in 3 weeks. It feels good to have him in a regular routine, and to have him looking like his normal healthy self.

It's still tax season, and that blows. We are all getting worn out. Jeff has had two different viral infections, and now a sinus infection. I think it's because he works WAAAAAY too much. The boys miss their dad terribly, and I am beyond tired by the time 8:00 rolls around.

My poor Evan. He was soooooooooo close to graduating from eye therapy, and his therapist up and quit last week, with no notice. They do not have another therapist who has an opening and enough experience to work with an eye problem as severe as Evan's is, so we aren't sure what to do next. We are on a waiting list right now, but this has already gone on for 15 months, 5 months longer than they originally told us it would take. The older he gets, the harder it is to miss school for this as well. Jeff and I are thinking it might be a sign we need to be done. I feel bad for Evan though who has given this his all, only to have the adult in charge quit on him.

Charlie is going to be starting soccer this month. He is super excited, especially because his cousins Brooke and Colin are going to be on his team. Sammy is disgusted he isn't old enough to play. It will be a rough season for him.

Most exciting is that I am going to be an aunt again on March 19th. I can't wait to have a baby around to squish again. I love babies. SO. MUCH. Can't wait to meet this one!

Hope you all have a great weekend ahead. I can't wait for March next week! I am SO ready for spring!!

Dad

I was able to spend most of the day yesterday with my Dad at the hospital. It was nice to be able to send my Mom home for a little bit to rest, run some errands, and take a shower. She seemed to be more relaxed and refreshed when she returned, which was a relief. She has been at my Dad's side since everything happened, and I worry about the toll this is taking on her as well.

Dad was better, but not better, all at the same time. The bleeding has stopped, and the pain is reduced, which is wonderful. We are thankful for small victories. On the other hand, he has so much blood from the hemorrhage in his abdomen it looks like he is 5 months pregnant. The pressure this extra fluid is putting on his organs makes it hard for him to eat and drink more than a small amount, and to take a full breath. He is off the narcotic pain relief which has eased his nausea, but that leaves him with substantial pain when shifting or walking.

Yesterday he was allowed to walk from the bed to the bathroom, and it was amazing how much this small task exhausted him. I think that is what really hit me yesterday...how tired he is, and how weak he is. He would drop off to sleep in the middle of a sentence, and the smallest of movements would take his breath away. He looks so much older than he did a few days ago, and that is hard to see.

It's going to be a long recovery process, longer than I originally thought. We expect him to be in the hospital until at least Monday or Tuesday, and to be off of work for much longer than that. This adds a whole new layer of stress to the situation, as both of my parents are away from work for an extended period.

I want to say thank you to each of you who have said a prayer for him. The very best part of the internet is the friendships and communities it creates, and I am so thankful for real life and blogging friends this week. My family and I have felt so supported and loved, and I can't thank each of you enough. I will be praying that each of you and your families have a wonderful week ahead.

Company Girl Coffee 2-5

I don't even know where to start with this post. I have been running on adrenalin for the past two days, and now I am tired and weepy.

My Dad went in for a surgical procedure on his heart on Wednesday morning. It was a procedure he has had twice before, and was supposed to be fairly routine. However, during the surgery, the femoral artery in his groin tore as they were trying to thread a line up to his heart. He began to bleed internally pretty heavily. When all was said and done, he lost about 6-7 pints of blood, which ended up in his abdomen and behind his organs. Initially, they had trouble stopping the bleeding, and getting him stabilized, which was beyond nerve wracking. My siblings, mother, and I spent most of the day Wednesday at the hospital waiting and hoping and praying while they worked to stop the bleeding and stabilize him.

He had several blood transfusions to help replace what was lost and bring up his hemoglobin levels. Today he was in pretty severe pain with the fluid and blood in his gut putting pressure on his lungs and organs, so they are giving him some pretty heavy duty pain killers. He was allowed to sit up a little today, but it will be awhile before they let him out of bed to try standing or walking.

The whole situation was so surreal. It was scary and made me feel so helpless. During the worst of it, the thought I kept coming back to was that I absolutely can't imagine my life without my dad in it. He is truly larger than life, and is the best man I know. He has a wicked sense of humor, a love of children and animals, and is the handiest man around the house. Best of all, he is a connector of people. He has a magic talent for working with others, and bringing out the best in everyone he meets. He finds ways to nurture friendships between people who might not otherwise be together. He is the core of our family and the core of our lives. Without him to anchor me, I feel like I would float, aimlessly.

I am just so incredibly thankful he is getting better. I am so thankful for everyone who has cared for my family this week. My dad has been uplifted through prayer and love, and it has helped us to feel much comfort.

I am hoping and praying that this weekend brings quick healing and pain relief for my dad, and some rest for my Mom, who has been through the wringer. I know I asked for a prayer last week as well from all of you Company Girls, but if you could spare time for one more, I would love you for it. Prayer is AMAZING, and it is what is getting us through.

Angst

Conversations with Evan lately take one of two directions.

Conversation One
Me: Evan can you please _____. (Insert household chore here).
Evan: What?! I can't believe you are making me dooooooooo that! You are the meeeeaaaaaanest Mom the whole wooooooooooorld! You just don't understaaaand me!

Conversation Two
Me: Evan can you please ______.
Evan: I can't do anything right! I'm the worst kid ever!
Me: Evan, PLEASE do not talk about yourself that way!
Evan: But I can't even take out the trash right, so I'm not going to.

Ugh. It hurts my heart, to suddenly be constantly at odds with my sweet little boy. We used to be so connected, and so in tune with each other. I hate that we have to go through this stupid teenage angst. And that it started at 11. Don't we have at least two more years to go before the hormones?

I remember having these conversations with my Mom. I remember being a complete, annoying wreck when I was anywhere from 13-20. But, for the life of me, I can't remember why. Why in the world did I feel that way? Why did the world seem out to get me? In particular my parents? I feel like if I could just recapture some of that, maybe I could make this easier on Evan and I.

But maybe too, everyone has to go through this. I just hate it. I want my kid back. I want my relationship with my kid back.

And I wish I could take back every single rotten thing I ever said to my mother as a kid. I get it now, what it did to her, and how it made her feel.

Ugh.

New Perspective

This afternoon, I was busy cursing winter under my breath. Saturday brings me the despicable task of sweeping all the floors and mopping everything clean again. Doing this in the month of January means that I sweep an entire sandbox full of rocks into my dustpan. Despite being "Mom the Shoe Nazi" (as Evan calls me) and freaking out at my family if they try to wear their shoes more than 2 feet beyond the garage door, the sand and gravel and rock salt are invading my house.

I was also cursing because I would dearly love to shoo my boys outside for the afternoon. Today though, it was chilly, muddy, and icy all at once, and hello? I don't want to add mud and snow to the mess on the floor.

So I was grouching and grumping as I stepped onto my back deck to shake out some rugs when I must have been hit in the head with a brick or something, because all of sudden I was struck with the simple beauty of a winter afternoon.

The farm fields behind our house were dusted with snow, and looked like a baker had sprinkled them with powdered sugar. The air had just the perfect amount of bite to it, so that instead of making it hard to breathe, it awakened your senses. The sun had just started to sink lower in the sky, and the light was so golden...rich. And I was dazzled. Invigorated.

I'm not giving up my pining for spring. I still can't wait to mow the grass and throw open the windows to warm spring breezes. But I am glad to have had this reminder that beauty comes in all seasons.

Company Girl Coffee

Today I am thinking of an old friend who is having a difficult week. She is the mother of one of my best friends, and also the mother of my first boyfriend. She played a HUGE role in my teenage years, and was like an extra mother to me. As an adult, she has become a trusted friend.

In November, my friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. After two surgeries in December, this month she started chemotherapy and radiation treatments. This week, her hair began to fall out. Last night, her husband shaved off the last of her hair for her.

I remember when my own Mom had to go through this same step. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2002. The surgeries were hard physically and emotionally, the chemo made her miserable, but one of the hardest steps was loosing her hair. When it was reduced to clumps here and there, she asked my Dad to shave the rest off for her. As women, we identify so much of our look and personality through our hair. To suddenly be stripped of this is shocking. My mother described it feeling as though she had to walk in public naked.

I was at my parents home when my dad shaved her hair, and it is a moment I will never forget. The tenderness between my parents. My mother's bravery. My mom asking a 3 1/2 year old Evan to hold her hand while her hair fell down around her. Evan standing next to her, holding her hand and patting her shoulder. All of it is etched into a forever memory. When it was all done, Evan looked at her and said, "Wow! That looks cool! Now you are my circle head Grandma!" We all laughed, and it was that child like humor that saved the moment.

And so, as my friend also goes through this experience this week, I am praying for her. I am praying that she is blessed with health, comfort, and peace. But most of all, I pray that she receives strength to get through the tougher moments.

If you could spare a second, please pray for her. The power of prayer is amazing! I know it will help immeasurably.

Kitty Cat Hats

A couple of weeks ago, on cjane enjoy it, Courtney showed a picture of her adorable son The Chief wearing a handmade knitted kitty cat hat. Modeled by as cute a chubby cheeked youngster as The Chief, the hats were irresistible. I loved the cat ears on the top, and I knew Charlie and Sammy would too. Courtney mentioned the hats were made by a talented reader of her blog, Amy, who has a business called Something to Meow About.

I emailed Amy right away to ask if she would make a Kitty Cat Hat for Charlie and Sammy. Look what came in the mail today:



I love, love, LOVE these hats. They are gorgeous, and the attention to detail is amazing! The boys love them so much they spent the rest of the day wearing them and pretending they were kitties.

You too can have one of these scrumptious creations! Just email Amy at: ladyamybug@yahoo.com

Thank you Amy!!

Worried...

I am worried about Evan.

Evan was identified in Kindergarten with a reading disability. Immediately after hearing the news, I was of course concerned, but I also felt that we had an immense amount of time to help him catch up.

Then I blinked, and I was married with two babies. My time after work shrank considerably.

Then I blinked again, and now Evan is suddenly in 5th grade. And that immense amount of time has disappeared.

He makes progress every year, but slow progress. This year after testing we discovered he is two years behind his peers in reading development. Sitting in the meeting, hearing he reads at the level of a 3rd grader, I wanted to vomit. We have had him tutored, he is in special ed classes at school, and we have been doing eye therapy for over a year now, all in an effort to help him become a better reader. And still. So far behind.

As Evan grows up, and begins to look more grown up and act more grown up, I begin to envision his future. How will he ever get through high school like this? Will a private high school even accept him? What about college? You can't go to college if you can't read. How will he support himself? My mother's heart spirals into a cycle of worry when I think about it.

I have tried about every thing I can think of to help him. The only other thing I can think of is having him sit next to Charlie this spring and summer as I teach Charlie to read. Would it help to start from the beginning? The older Evan gets, the harder it is to make him work on these beginning reading tasks, because it makes him feel humiliated.

Panic is starting to set in. I don't know what else to do to help him.

Sucess!

I have been working along with Rachel Ann at Home Sanctuary to accomplish one of my New Year's goals. I wanted creating Sanctuary for my family to be a major focus for me this year. Luckily for me, one of the first tasks Rachel Ann assigned was to take a close look at our weekly schedule, and then to use that to create a weekly Housekeeping Schedule.

This was so helpful. In the summer, when I am off work, it is SO much easier to get everyday chores done. When I am working full time, it's another story. Setting a schedule and involving my family was a great idea. We divided up tasks based on our schedule of weekly activities, and both Evan and Jeff agreed to be assigned regular jobs.

This was my first whole week of following with the schedule and sticking to it. And it ROCKED. My laundry was done ahead of schedule today. My house is clean. I even had time for a couple of organizing projects around the house. I completely cleared off the fridge and reorganized it today. When Charlie came through the room when I was done, he asked, "Hey, who got us a new fridge Mom?" Wow. That little comment showed me just how badly this needed to be done!

And now, I even have some me time at the end of the day! A perfect way to end a Sunday. Thanks Rachel Ann, for such a great idea.

Attitude Adjustment

I am in need of a serious attitude adjustment.

Tax season is always a struggle for me as a wife. Intellectually, I know this is a time when I can really step up to the plate and show Jeff my love and support. I should be doing my best to make our home a place of sanctuary, to take care of the kids, and to offer him a positive shoulder to lean on when he is tired from working long hours.

Emotionally though, all I can seem to do lately is pity myself. I think grumpy thoughts about having to work a full time job, always be in charge of the house and the kids, and on and on. I find my brain running through this litany of complaints over and over again as I go through my daily tasks and by the time Jeff comes home I am like Mount Vesuvias. Poor guy. He just wants a warm meal and a friendly face, and instead he comes home to me. Grouchy Selfish Wife.

I need to keep joy front and center in my attitude. I am lucky to be wife to this man who works so hard to support us. I am lucky to have three beautiful boys to care for, and a home to call our own. I know these things. I know I need to be joyful. But how?

I so wish I was better at looking outside of myself and focusing on others. I wish I was better at being a joyful mother and wife. It's the best thing for my family. I am going to start by praying for Jeff, and my kids. I find it is a lot harder to be mad at someone you are praying intently for. You'll be able to find me in the next few weeks cleaning the bathrooms and fervently muttering prayers at the same time.

Here's hoping I can turn myself around. My family deserves it.

Blog Love

Look! It's here!! My blog just had a beautiful make over.

Emily over at The Blog Fairy did an amazing job. She was so easy to work with, she was fast, and she knew exactly what I wanted, just by me answering a few questions in an email.

Seriously. I could just sit here and stare at it all day long!! (Which would be bad...as I may have about 20 loads of laundry waiting for me.)

Thanks Emily for making The Sole Woman beautiful!

Company Girl Coffee: January 22

WOW am I late getting around to this post this week! It's so late that maybe I should offer you a glass of wine instead of coffee. How 'bout it? Maybe some appetizers too...boy that sounds yummy.

The Big News around The Sole Woman this week is that I am getting a visit from The Blog Fairy!!! I have really loved the look of my blog, but it has been almost two years since the last redo, and I felt like it was time for a change. So check back soon! I'm getting some new diggs around here, and I am in love with the work Emily at The Blog Fairy did. She is an excellent designer!

I am also really excited because we recently booked a vacation for our family this summer. It will be the first time in two years that we have taken a trip as a family. We've been working so hard to replenish our savings after the whole two babies-a new house-and a minivan-in one year debacle of 2006. Now that Mr. Sole Woman is feeling more confident of the finances, we are going to get to have some family relaxation time! It will also be a little celebration of our 5 year anniversary.

We will be visiting Pine Beach Resort in northern Minnesota. This will be our third trip to the resort. We stay in a cabin right on the beach at Lake Belle Taine. It is so amazing to wake up to the sound of water lapping at the shore, grab a cup of coffee, and drink it on the deck over looking the water while a magnificent sunrise dazzles the senses. Charlie was only 6 months old the last time we went, and Sam has never been, so I can't wait to see what the little boys think. Now, if only July were a little closer!!!

I hope all of you have had a great week, and have an even better weekend!

Nervous Nellie

Hi friends.

Don't have much to say, or to report. Just thought I'd stop in to say hello.

Not much new around here, other than the miserable winter weather. It has been densely foggy for the last 6 days. A wet, drippy fog that doesn't disappear until after noon. It's also a freezing fog, leaving morning streets shiny with ice and slick spots. I have had a white knuckle drive to work every morning since Thursday.

Overnight tonight we are supposed to get accumulating ice. So far, they haven't called off school, and that makes me really nervous. I am not too bad at driving in snow, but ice is a whole lot scarier. I am pretty nervous about the drive to work tomorrow.

How many days left until spring?!

Birthday Love

Four years ago today, at 3:45 PM, I got to see the beautiful face of my Charlie for the first time.



At 10 pounds, 23 1/4 inches, it was a face that already had deliciously chubby cheeks.

All of the people that helped to welcome Charlie into the world 4 years ago today came to our house to help celebrate. One of the most special things for me about Charlie's birth was that my awesome friend Christi was there to help.


Christi with her daughter Alyssa

There is something so powerful about sharing the birth experience with other women. Having Christi there to rub my back, encourage me that I was almost there, and to see Charlie make his entrance meant more to me than I can put in words. It means just as much when Christi and her family come to help Charlie welcome in a new year.

Both of my darling Godson's came over to party. Aren't they the most handsome boys?


Godson Colin is 5



Godson Joel is ALMOST 3. (I was there to see his birth!! It was one of the most AWESOME moments of my life! Joel is Christi's son).

Charlie is my most high spirited child. He is fearless, determined, and stubborn. He is a social butterfly, and will talk to everyone and anyone. He is a snuggler to the extreme, and gives the best of hugs. He tries my patience like no other, and fills my heart with love and joy, all at the same time. He is a gift I am forever thankful for.

One of my clearest memories of that first week home with my new baby Charlie was sitting curled up in a recliner with Charlie tucked into the crook of my arm, a warm quilt tucked around both of us. I spent the whole day snuggling with him, just looking at him. Memorizing his features, and touching his sweet new baby skin.

Yesterday, after the guests had gone home, I sat down in that same chair to rest for a minute. Charlie brought over that very same quilt, and asked if he could snuggle. Tired from all the excitement and missing his afternoon nap, he curled up into my side, the quilt tucked in close around us, and went to sleep. I looked down into his 4 year old face, and kissed his sweet cheeks. It was one of those perfect moments that life gifts us. I tucked it into my heart to take out and remember when Charlie is grown. The perfect way to end a wonderful day.

Happy Birthday Char Char. I love you to the moon and back!

Company Coffee January 15

Come on in girls!! The coffee's always hot at The Sole Woman!

How was your week? I hope you all had a great one.

We were busy going back to school and to work. Having three weeks off due to Christmas break and two blizzards was good, and it was bad. We had lots of family time, we slept late every day, we snuggled in on the couch, and watched some great movies. Unfortunately, we also got completely away from our routine and structure. By Wednesday the kids and I were having to drag ourselves out of bed and prop our eyelids open. It really showed me how much of a positive impact having a basic schedule and routine around the house helps everyone.

Thursday was a KILLER. I worked a full day, and had a late meeting after school before we could leave. I needed to stop at Costco on the way home, so it was 5:30 by the time we were pulling into our neighborhood. Very late for us. I was pleased to see that our neighborhood had been plowed again while we were gone, and we finally had a two lane road again after about 3 weeks of narrow one lane driving. As we got closer to our house, I noticed that there were cars all up and down the street sitting with there hazard lights on. "What in the world?!" I thought. "What's everybody doing?"

And then I saw it. No one could get into their driveways because the plow had created a 3 foot wall of ice in front of each house. Ice. 3 feet of it! We were already late and I had been trying to figure out how I would manage dinner, homework, and bath by myself while Jeff worked late. Now I had to add ice chipping to the list. When it rains, it pours!! And sometimes, it pours ice.

I made it though! I tried to focus on the bicep workout I was getting. The power of positive thinking!!!

We have a big weekend ahead. Charlie's birthday is on Sunday. My middle baby is turning 4! We are having friends and family on Saturday for a celebration. Charlie is PUMPED for birthday fun! And while I am a little sad that he is getting so big, I can't wait to help him welcome in this new year.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

A Prime Example of Why Men Can Be Hard to Live With

Tonight, while sitting next to Evan on the couch, I noticed that his toenails had grown to an amazing length. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Evan, you really need to cut your toenails tonight.

Evan: Can't do that Mom. I need them. They're good tools.

Me: (Very puzzled but trying to keep up) Tools? Give me an example.

Evan: Every night when I'm sweeping the kitchen floor, I use my toenails to scrape stuck pieces of food off the floor so I can sweep the stuck pieces up.

Jeff: (Completely serious) Makes sense to me. Let the kid keep his toenails.

Me: (Speechless) ....