Creeping Back to Normal

After our 6 day bout with the flu, I think we are all approaching normal. Still some coughs and sniffles, but at least we aren't so delirious with fever that we aren't looking at each other and thinking "Who the hell are these people in my house?" At the very least, since all I could do was sit and shiver for so long, I sat and shivered in front of the computer screen and I got the taxes done. Which is a relief, because I have big plans for that refund, baby.

So, it's back to work tomorrow, with all the fun that entails, especially after a three day absence. My stomach is cramping with the thought of all the homework that Evan will have to make up. 3rd grade is killer for parents.

Sesame Street is full of Bogeys

In my fluish delirium I have been thanking God for the miracle of the OnDemand feature of digital cable. For free you can dial up all the popular kids shows at any time of the day or night. Since I have had to rot my kids brains by parking them in front of the TV while I lay moaning on the couch, we have been pretty plugged into this. Yesterday, during our 4th episode of Sesame Street, they showed a segment where two children are talking about things they have learned to do since they were little. While one child was talking, the other began to ACTIVELY PICK HER NOSE-WHILE ON CAMERA! Evan and I looked at each other over the babies' heads, groaning in disgust when we noticed that both Charlie and Sam also had their fingers up their noses in devoted imitation. Normally, this is a great thing while watching Big Bird, but apparently their standards have lowered considerably since the 70s, when I was an avid fan.

Influenza A

On Tuesday night, the boys and I were all diagnosed with Influenza A (and Charlie also has an earache and sinus infection). My parents were both diagnosed with the same today. I have not felt this sick in YEARS. Here's to hoping I didn't pass it on to anyone else!!

Defecting to the Other Side

I was trying to get some work done last night on my NBPTS portfolio...I had about an hour to work with, and I really wanted to get some major writing done. However, I spent 10 minutes waiting for the computer to start up and get to the desktop. Then I spent another 30 minutes waiting for it to load Outlook and then Word, which took forever, and then it wasn't keeping up with my typing, and I was making all kinds of mistakes. After only 5 minutes the computer rebooted itself without warning, and I had to start all over. I wasted the whole hour on the stupid computer. We got it right after Jeff and I got married, only 2 1/2 years ago, but apparently that is a lifetime in technology terms. I have had numerous people look at it to see if it can be improved or sped up, but alas! No one has been able to help...it is obvious if I am going to get this portfolio done I need a new computer.

I have been toying with the idea of getting an Apple today. I have always stayed away from them in the past, but I it would be SOOOO nice to take my work home from school and vice versa. The formats are a lot more compatible from PC to Mac these days, but it doesn't work the other way around. I could also get a pretty good educators discount, which would be nice.

Actually though, anything that moves faster than a snail and doesn't make me want to smash it against the wall would be nice.

Charlie is not Afraid of the Water

I had the nicest afternoon on Friday (which was nice, since the rest of the weekend has been filled with three sick boys and their green snotty noses). I signed Charlie up for spring swim lessons at Swimtastic awhile ago. His preschool teacher, who is also a swim teacher at Swimtastic, thought it would be a good idea if we took Charlie to a family swim time there because she was really worried that he wouldn't get into the water at all at lessons (which makes me wonder how well she actually knows my child, because I wasn't worried about that at all, but whatever). Charlie was thrilled to FINALLY be allowed behing the glass wall and into the WATER he has lusted over the last 6 weeks of watching Evan swim. He loved floating on his back, on his front, was not scared at all to put his face in the water, and went down their water slide of his accord at least 10 times. I would have been terrified at that age to go down a shute and splash into deep water, but he thought it was all a lark. I think lessons will go fine! The best part was we met Christi and her little fish Alyssa there and we got a Koch fix in. Even though we had to shout bits of conversation at each other while our kids were in and out of the water, it was still so nice!!! I wish I lived next door to Christi. Then we could be like Lucy and Ethel.

Back to the Doctor

I went back to the doctor yesterday afternoon to discuss the results of my latest round of bloodwork, and I am SO disgusted. My blood sugar levels are right on the edge of being too high, and my insulin levels are also too high. He said that this is to be expected, as it is part of my polycystic ovary syndrome, and also the Metabolic Syndorome I was diagnosed with last month. He told me to expect diabetes to develop sometime within the next 10-15 years, but that I could hold it off a bit by pretending like I am diabetic now, and also by taking a new medicine called Metaformin. (Because we don't spend enough paying for prescriptions every month already!) So, like a good girl, I donated all my V-Day chocolate to my mother today. Sheesh. I told him how frustrated I was to be exercising and dieting like a freak and to just be maintaining, and not loosing. He said not to expect to loose much, and that I am working like a horse to just maintain because most people with these conditions are MORBIDLY OBESES!!!! These words should not be uttered to a former anorexic. Sheesh!! To top it all off, I have another kidney infection. I am a wreck.

I'm Good Enough

Yesterday we were running seriously low on groceries. Usually, I make the grocery list, and my rockin' husband gets the groceries so I can avoid the torture of taking my two toddlers to the grocery store. It's tax season though, so I knew if I waited for Jeff to have time to do the shopping, we would all have wasted away from hunger (which is maybe not such a bad idea in my case). So, I loaded my three darlings into the van and headed off for Walmart. I made my first mistake at the very beginning of the trip. I went to the fruit aisle first. Charlie saw me put bananas in the cart, his favorite of all foods. He immediately started shouting, "CHAR CHAR BANANAS! EAT NANAS!!" Crap. So, I detoured to the free samples in the bakery and sadly they were offering cream cheese pumpkin things. Which the toddlers loved, but also were very messy. It got me through three more aisles, but then Sam thought maybe we were at a restaurant and he should have more food RIGHT NOW. Sam and Charlie are equal opportunity brothers, so when Sam started crying, Charlie got started too. I just let them scream for the next three aisles, but Evan was getting steadily more embarrased, especially as he was pushing the stroller, and he began to say (louder and louder) "We need to go home NOW. These babies are AWFUL!" By now people are staring, and I know they are looking at me as the classic terrible Walmart mother. At least I was not yelling at any of my children, and I was relatively calm. By the time we got to the checkout lanes, Sam had nacho cheese in his hair (don't ask) and Charlie was adeptly climbing out of the stroller restraints, Evan was almost in tears, and I was thinking of shipping the children off to a foreign country. If anyone tried to return them, I was imagining creative ways to pretend I had never met them before. Fighting back tears, I picked up Oprah magazine as a treat for myself. I had never read this magazine, but I am so glad that I did.

When I got home, I fed the kids lunch, put away the groceries, and then allowed myself 10 calm down minutes to read. I was feeling pretty bad by this point after wishing my kids off on strangers, but it has been such a long week. I have had the kids by myself every day this week. The first article I opened to was entitled "What's wrong with being angry?" by Mark Epstein. I came upon the following paragraph: "Studies of [mother and infant] relationships have exploded the myth of the 100 percent responsive mother. Research suggests that the best parents are fully attuned to their children only about 30 percent of the time, leaving lots of space for the child to make their own mistakes...this has laid the foundation for this shift to Winnicott's concept of the "good enough mother". "Parents cannot possibly be at one with their children all the time" he suggested. "Babies are not benign beings emititng only love. They are rapacious creatures who love ruthlessly, and who, as ofen as not, bite the hand, or breast, that feeds them." The good enough mother is one who can tolerate her infant's rage as well as her own temporary hatred of her child; she is one who is not sucked into retaliating or abandoning, and who can put aside her own self-protective responses to devote herself adequatelyto her child's needs. This "good enough" response, while not denying her own hatred, teaches the child that anger is something that can be survived...the child whose mother survives her destructive onslaught learns to love her as an "external" person, as an "other", not merely as an extension of themselves. This child recognizes that the mother has survived the attack and feels something on the order of joy or gratitude or relief, a dawning recognition that mother is outside his or her sphere of omnipotent control. This is the foundation of caring for her as a separate person, what we call consideration or concern or empathy." The article goes on to describe how our adult romantic relationships reproduce the ways that our mothers delt with tension and conflict, and our relationship with our mothers.

I can't begin to tell you the immediate relief that I felt, the weight that fell away from my heart. I have always dealt with perfectionism, which has manifested itself in many ways in my life, one of them being anorexia nervosa. As I became a mother, much as I modeled my weight in my teens after the pictures of skeletally thin girls in magazines, I modeled my mothering after the inachievable images of perfection presented to us in the media and popular culture. Not once had I ever heard someone say that not only is it okay to be just a "good enough" mother, but it is actually BETTER to be a good enough mother. I am doing my kids a favor in not being perfect, and modeling to them picking myself up and trying again. By showing them that after anger, a relationship can grow and get better.

My parents had (have) a wonderful marriage and were a stunning example for me growing up. However, I can only remember one time as a child them ever arguing or disagreeing. At least in front of us. I remember vividly seeing my mother cry, and my dad looking helpless. I felt so completely unsafe when it happened, because it never did, and it wouldn't again in my childhood. Of course, this is better than the alternative, and I am so thankful to have had a peaceful and calm home to grow up in. However, I don't think I learned to deal with conflict, or that anger is okay. As an adult my relationships with men have of course included times of disagreement, but when it happened, I completely dissolved. I thought that conflict shouldn't be happening at all, that there should be peace always. I didn't (don't) know how to handle it when it does happen. My first reaction is that I have done something wrong, it is my fault, I have to fix it immediately. Not healthy, I know. I'm coming to realize that, and I am starting to deal with it better. What a huge relief though that by not being perfect, by allowing healthy conflict and management of such in our home I can give my kids a good start. And the best part of it is, I can be myself while I do it because I am good enough.

All that from a magazine. Sometimes God speaks to us in strange ways, huh?

Just for Adam...

Just because Adam asked...

National Board Certification for teachers is a process that takes about 15 months to complete. All teachers are licensed by their state to teach, but the NBC is a voluntary step to get certified nationally, and it is really hard to get. Only 63 teachers in Nebraska have achieved it. It involves a DVD portfolio of examples of your teaching in your classroom in 4 different areas. I have to submit reflective pieces to go along with these, as well as student work. I also have to take a test over my specialization (Early childhood elementary education ages 3-8) which is like the SAT for teacher's content knowledge. Why am I doing this? To prove to myself I can. It is a huge honor, and I want to see if I can do it. Also, to feel like myself, and not just a mom. To get back some of my feeling of worth as something other than Mom to Evan Charlie and Sam (although that is great too-don't get me wrong!) And also because the people who have done it say it is the best professional development activity they have ever done, and it really helps to improve your teaching.

Holy Crap

I have just signed my life away and applied as a candidate for National Board Certification for Professional Educators. I am soooo nauseous, but soooooo excited! As usual, I am having my "WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO!!!" panic attack. Ugh.

Charlie is Allergic to Everything

I took Charlie in for allergy testing on Saturday morning. They pricked his poor little back and arms with over 50 needles, and then rubbed different substances over them that he might be allergic to. Out of all of those, he wasn't allergic to any of the foods (God Bless America!) cats, or interestingly-ragweed. EVERYTHING ELSE WAS POSITIVE! Afterwards, we talked to the doctor who recommended Charlie begin a regular regimen of weekly allergy shots when he is four to desensitize him. In the meantime, they went over various strategies to get rid of things in the house that bother him, like replacing his pillow every six months since he is horribly allergic to dust mites. One of the things they suggested was getting rid of things in the house that collect dust. Okay-seriously-what DOESN'T collect dust in the house? Should we remove all the furniture? I think even Jeff collects dust on the weekends when he watches football. We probably have to get rid of him too!

During the test, I was in tears watching my poor baby go through this, but Charlie didn't flinch, make a peep, or complain at all. In fact, he watched with interest the whole time they were pricking him. My mom predicts something in the medical field for him. The nurse was bragging about him to people in the waiting room she was so impressed. She said she has never had a kid sit that still. At least my kids are stars at something-even if it is allergy testing.

My Latest Addictions

Things I can't live without lately...


thedailystroll.typepad.com/blog/


tenmonthspregnant.blogspot.com/


www.queenbabybean.com

Party for Charlie

We celebrated Charlie's 2nd birthday yesterday with a family trip to the Children's Museum. Jeff had no idea what to expect beforhand, and was nervous to take the kids to a "museum". I think he (and the toddlers) were impressed. It was the first time Charlie and Sam had ever been, and they had a blast. Charlie, as expected, loved the life size fire engine. Sam was a HUGE fan of the water table. No matter where I tried to redirect him, he kept making a bee line right back toward it. He tried many time to heave his whole self in. Next time I will bring an extra shirt so I don't have to bring him out to the car dripping, especially on one of the coldest days of the year. Evan and Jeff went downstairs to their new Putt Putt exhibit, where they also saw Julie Cornell golfing with her kids. It was unbelievably busy, so I am looking forward to going back in the summer when it is *hopefully* not too crowded.

We also had Charlie's birthday party. He wasn't too impressed, probably because I woke him up from his nap to join the festivities, and he spent most of the party attached to my leg whining and crying. So, I suppose that was one indication we have officially started the Terrible Twos. Yuck. He really enjoyed seeing his friends Alyssa and Joel, and cousins Brooke and Colin. He loved the new book from the Koch family, and also his Thomas the Train Engines, who he calls just "Tom."

To top of the day's festivities, we had dinner at my favorite place-VALENTINO'S!!-with our favorite dinner companions the Kochs. (Thanks for suggesting it Christi! It was just what I needed!) I was pooped when I got home and Charlie was still cranky spanky kiddo, so he and I crawled into bed and watched two episodes of Dynasty. All in all it was a pretty super day.

The Flu

The FLU hit me like a TRUCK this week. I had a high fever (104.5) and chills, aches, coughs, vomiting, you name it. I was even sick for Charlie's birthday yesterday. I didn't get to go in for my bloodwork, or for Charlie's allergy testing, so now I have to reschedule that whole mess. UGH! I am back at work today, but I am so regretting it. I feel totally wiped out.

Successful?

Today after school I managed to take Evan to swim lessons, entertain two very grumpy toddlers while at swim lessons (with only one major temper tantrum), stop at the store for birthday treats for Charlie at school tomorrow, fix dinner, give baths (during which one toddler had diarhea in the tub and I had to start all over), help Evan with homework, get everyone to bed by 8:00, and exercise for half an hour. Most of this also occurred during a snow storm. Does this mean I can now qualify as asuccesful mother? Or maybe just crazy...

Doing Our Best to Support the Drug Companies

Charlie, bless him, is sick with his third round of a sinus infection, one he has been nursing faithfully since the first week in December. He finished his second round of antibiotics on Monday, and by Wednesday was a walking ball of green snot. So back to the doctor we went on Friday. Not only did he have the sinus infection, but all the green ooze had infected a patch of eczyma on his face. Dr. B wants us to see an allergist next week, have him allergy tested, and then he will probably start allergy shots. He prescribed three new meds for Charlie, and gave us a refill for one of Evan's meds. Jeff and I stopped at Walgreens on our way home from a lovely date dinner at Applebees to pick them up. I thought Jeff was going to pass out when the clerk told us the total we owed was FOUR HUNDRED AND FORTY FREAKING DOLLARS!!!!!!! Even the clerk looked distressed. We probably won't be able to afford to eat this year, but at least we will be well medicated. I have started a campaign to convince Jeff we need to move to Canada. Michael Moore is my new best friend.

It was a lovely way to end a date.

Odds and Ends

So much has been going on the last couple of days! The good news first...

Evan had his first Swimtastic swim lesson yesterday and he LOVED it! He was a nervous wreck before hand about doing something new, but he had a great time! And lucky for me, the toddlers behaved themselves during the lesson while we waited in the observation area, which was a good thing because the waiting area was chock full of St. Vinnie's parents!

Sam is officially walking! He took his first steps around Christmas, was doing a little more over the weekend, but yesterday he REALLY took off and was cruising EVERYWHERE. It was so cute last night to see Charlie watching Sam walking. Charlie was absolutely hysterical with laughter.

Charlie is well on his way to being potty trained! One day over Christmas break, he came up to me and said "Potty?" I was stunned. I had never broached the subject with him, and I didn't really have any plans to tackle this yet. But, I thought, what the heck? So, I sat him down on the toilet, and low and behold-he went! That night we picked out a new potty chair together, and he has been using it at home ever since. At school this week, he has been going with all of the other toddlers and keeping his diaper dry. I am stunned. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, because this is just too easy!

Now for the BAD news...I am having more medical drama. Yesterday, the doctor called with the results of my blood work from my physical. My triglycerides, which are supposed to run in the neighborhood of 140-150 were 440! My HDL cholesterol, (the good one) is supposed to be 50, but instead was 21. These were the nurses words to me- "I don't want to scare you, but your cholesterol and triglyceride levels are dangerously out of whack. You need to start some meds immediately, or a stroke is very possible." So of course I did get scared! The doctor called later and said that it is an effect from my PCOS, and my insulin resistance problems. I am going to have to follow a special diet, see a dietician, and an endocrinologist. This was thrilling news beyond the obvious, when you consider our absolutely wretched health insurance. It looks like we will be paying a ton of money out of pocket again this year. Blech.

I Stand Corrected

So. I went to my mammogram today, and it wasn't bad AT ALL. So ladies, don't let all those horror stories women tell get to you, like I did. It was maybe a smidge uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt at all. I stand corrected, I was wrong, and it was worth it!

As a treat to myself for going through with it, and to celebrate being out by myself without the kids, I went to check out a fairly new store in Omaha called Steve and Barrys. WOW! It was so, so awesome! Literally everying in the store was only $8.98!!! I am talking coats, jeans, shoes, EVERYTHING! Granted, they are having their winter liquidation sale, but one of the salespeople told me their stuff is never priced over $20. I got a pair of jeans for Jeff and two for me for only $25. I also loved Sarah Jessica Parker's new Bitten line, sold there. They even had kids clothes!

A Crushing Experience

To further torture me through it's insanely crappy health plan, ConAgra has decreed that in order for us to get another $400 in our HRA account, Jeff and I must both take a health survey and get a checkup from our doctors. Joy of joys-mine includes-A MAMMOGRAM!!! I have not had the pleasure of having one of these yet, and I am so excited to do so tomorrow.

I know, I know, I need one. Yes, they are hepful. Certainly with a mother and grandmother who are both survivors of breast cancer it is a good idea for me to get one. But, NO it is not fun. NO it is not comfortable. And YES it is humiliating.

Stars in My Eyes

I had so much fun last night!! My dad took me to Dancing With the Stars at the Qwest center. Mutual of Omaha has a suite there, so we didn't even have to sit in the regular seating. We got to go to the suite where they had lots to eat and drink, and comfy private chairs to watch the show in. It was amazing! My favorite was Edyte...if only I could look/move like that! Even my dad, who has never seen the show, had a good time and was impressed. I was disapointed that Marie Osmond didn't dance but Sabrina was there, along with my favorite dancing professional Derek Hough, so that was awesome!

The perfect ending to a day spent with screaming, sick children.

Sick...as usual

We started off 2008 yesterday with Sammy running a fever of 103.7. Typical for my children to be sick, and on a holiday! Just in time for us to pay full price on any doctor visits and prescriptions as well, thanks to our health insurace nightmare- courtesy of ConAgra.