(Pre) Happy Birthday to Me

Sorry about what is going to be a long post...I haven't written anything in a long time because I guess to be truthful I have been avoiding it. I am not sure if can I express what I have to say without sounding like an ungrateful whiner, so if that is how it comes off, I apologize in advance, as that is not my intent. Yesterday, Jeff and I went in for our second ultrasound. We were sent to Methodist Hospital and the perinatologist program there. My brother Ben was born with birth defects that are genetic, so they have us do a level 2 (3-D) ultrasound so they can check carefully on the baby. We got to talk for an hour with a geneticist, which was interesting, as she also had some suggestions on the familial breast cancer worries we are having right now. Then we went in for the ultrasound where we found out we are having another boy. Here is where I am going to start sounding stupid. As soon as the doctor said the words "outdoor plumbing" I started crying. I continued crying for another two hours. I thought I was prepared to find out that it was another boy, and I really thought that I hadn't hoped too hard for a girl, but I was REALLY wrong about that. With my first two, I guess I always told myself well, maybe next time. Only now there is no next time. The realization that I will never have a daughter hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes me cry right now to think of it. There are so many things that I have always dreamed of doing with my little girl, like putting her hair in pigtails, talking about boys, seeing her in her dress at her wedding day, baking Christmas cookies, sharing a pregnancy. Who will I pass my quilts and recipes and jewelry on to? I am just so completely, utterly sad about this that I can't even explain it. I then had this weird dream last night where I was having a miscarriage. In all the mess, I found the body of a baby, dressed in frilly pink girl clothes. I just held her for the longest time, and stroked her hair, and I knew this was all I was going to get of my baby girl. I know that is so morbid, but I think it was my mind's way of dealing with things. I woke up sobbing, and I couldn't go back to sleep. To Jeff's credit, he kept his cool as his crazy hormonal wife cried her way out of the hospital and into the parking lot. He even took me out to lunch. I felt a little better afterwards. We even decided on a middle name, John, after both of his grandfathers. I hope we decide on a first name soon. I so need something like that to help me start bonding with this baby. I feel even more disconnected from it than I did before, and I really need to get into this before too much longer. I am so scared about having two this close together that my thought for a long time has been...if this is a girl, it will all be SOOO worth it. Now what? There is of course, the logical part of my brain that says I have so much to be thankful for. The baby is healthy, we are lucky enough to be able to get pregnant (a little too easily though), and we are so blessed with our wonderful family. I LOVE my Evan and Charlie, and my relationships with them. But sometimes, I guess the heart and feelings rule over the brain.


I called Christi last night to share the news, and it was so nice to tell someone who understood exactly how I felt. Then, this morning, she completely made my day. Christi and Alyssa came to kidnap me and the boys and we escaped to one of my favorite places, Harlan. There is a restaurant there called Mickels (or Wickies, as we call it at my house) that I LOVE. It is adorable...all the decor is yellow, orange, and green from the sixties. The food is unbelievably yummy down home cooking, and this is where we were treated to lunch. I have been craving grease like you wouldn't believe, and so for lunch we had fried cheeseballs, fried chicken, the most amazing hot rolls (also greasy), mashed potatoes and gravy, and salad. Charlie ate his first round of mashed potatoes ever. It took him awhile to get used to it, but then he went to town and ate almost all of one of my scoops. I am so proud he did it at Mickels! Then we headed over to her parent's house, who are the sweetest people. Jeff's dad lives across the street, so we waved to Grandpa John's house. It was actually Charlie's first trip to Harlan, and I am so glad it happened on such a fantastic day. Christi gave me a tour of downtown Harlan, and then we headed home. The drive back was so nice, since all three kids drifted off to sleep, and we got to just relax and talk. When we got back to Omaha, Christi and Alyssa joined us for a trip in the hot tub. It was the most perfect birthday gift slash pick me up. I am feeling lots better and more in perspective about things. I thank my lucky stars all the time that I have a friend like Christi, but especially after times like today. She always knows exactly what to say or do to make something better.

I am kind of considering today my official birthday, as tomorrow my grandma is having her double masectomy surgery. Jeff was a sweetie patutie husband and took the day off of work so that I can spend it at the hospital. What a way to turn 29! This morning I was thinking about everything that has happened to me since my last birthday...got married, had a baby, got pregnant again, got a van, got a new house. One of the most eventful years of my life. Probably THE most eventful. I am hoping for a more peaceful 29, but with three boys to keep up with, my guess is this won't happen.