Pine Beach

We got home on Saturday evening from what was THE BEST trip/vacation that I have ever taken. Evan, Charlie, and I went with my parents and brother Ben to a place in Northern Minnesota called Pine Beach Resort. We had originally intended to take one van up there, but once we started loading up Saturday morning, it was immediately clear we weren’t going to fit everything plus passengers in one vehicle. So, we loaded up my parents van too. The drive up there is about 10 hours, and I was very proud to drive 8 hours up and 8 hours back (my mom took a turn at lunch time so I could nap a bit). That is the farthest and longest I have ever driven, and I was just fine! The rest of the time, my Mom hung out in the back with Charlie. Charlie was a SAINT on the way up! He didn’t cry one single time in 10 hours. He was doing better than I was! 6 hours is about my limit in the car, and then I start to go buggy.


We arrived about 5 o’clock on Saturday evening, and we drove up to an adorable little yellow cabin. It had a deck in the back that was filled with lawn furniture, and it was RIGHT on the beautiful sand beach and about 6 feet from the crystal clear lake. The cabin was not luxurious, but it was cute, comfortable, and clean, and had everything we needed for an awesome week. The boys and I shared a room. There was a double bed that Evan and I used, and Charlie slept in a pack and play that the resort provided. It was so cozy to settle down for the evening with my kids around me and the sound of the water right outside our window.


The first night we got there, it was the middle of the heat wave. When we arrived it was 105 degrees outside, and since the cabin had been closed up all day, it was 120 inside(I am NOT exaggerating). Minnesota NEVER has heat like this, so they don’t have air conditioning. It was so hot inside you couldn’t stand it. So, we headed out for the lake and swam for a long time. We almost turned right around and came back home, but luckily we didn’t as the heat spell broke the next day. For the rest of the week, it didn’t get over 83, and at night it got down into the low 50s. It was sooooo nice. The water temperature was actually warmer than the air temp! We also made a trip to the local Pamida the next day to buy some fans, and we were very comfortable after that.

Evan had the best week. The resort had about three to four different activities every day that kids could participate in. He went on a hayrack ride, to a water balloon fight, painted a mural, and fed the animals that live on the resort (goats, rabbits, guinea pigs). The animals would come and eat right out of the kids’ hands! We had wanted to do the marshmallow roast and a sand sculpture contest as well but we spent one day at a neighboring lake called Leech Lake where my Aunt Julie and her family were staying. He’s also hoping next year to take some water skiing lessons that they offer throughout the week. There was a playhouse and swing set right behind our cabin and also a rec room that had a TV, some video games, board games, pinball, table tennis, etc. that wasn’t too far away. By Tuesday he felt comfortable going to these by himself, and it was so nice to see him feeling comfortable going places on his own, and to develop some independence. When we are at home, he won’t even ride his bike to the corner unless I am with him, so it made me so happy to see him venturing out on his own. There wasn’t any TV in the cabin, a shock to Evan’s system at first, but it was really nice. We spent the evenings sitting outside on the deck while Evan played in the sand and built sand castles while we watched the beautiful sunsets. Once it was dark we came in and had a card tournament, mostly Kings in the Corner, and Evan became quite the competitive player. It was nice to spend family time without the TV in the background.


Charlie also had an eventful week. He cut three teeth in 2 days, for a total of 6!! He celebrated his 6 month birthday; he started crawling, got constipated up to his eyeballs, and restarted an ear infection he has been battling since the last week in June. I ended up taking him to a doctor in Park Rapids, who prescribed an antibiotic for him on Friday. Despite it all, he warmed our hearts daily with his smiles. He loved having Grandma and Poppo around all the time, and he really loved the lake. He would get really excited first and kick and splash, and then he would get so relaxed that he would fall asleep in my arms. I even fed him his bottle in the lake, with him sleeping in my arms, a couple of times when the teething got particularly bad.


I loved being with my family, taking time out to relax, and being with my boys. I didn’t have one single migraine or heart episode the entire time I was there. I am not sure if it was the weather, the time I could spend just reading or in the water, or not having to do absolutely everything myself that did it. It was truly the best trip I have been on. It was pretty tough to come home. Evan was pretty disappointed to be headed back toward Omaha, and woke up in tears the Saturday morning we left. We had such a good time, my parents would like to make it an annual event, so I am thinking we will be heading up next year too. Probably not so relaxing with an 18 month old, and a 7 month old, but I guess that’s life. I don’t want Evan to miss out on his time just because of his brothers. I can’t wait to head back!!


It was also a time for me to have some reflection time. Things have been rough lately for Jeff and I, and I wanted some time to sort things out. The first 2 days, I just missed him like crazy. Then I began to see the other families around us. In the cabin next to us there was a family with 4 little boys, and they all trailed after the dad the entire week. It was adorable, but when I saw this I got incredibly angry. Usually when I start feeling like this I try to make excuses for Jeff, and I find a way to make it my fault or explain it away (not healthy I know...and one of the things that worry me. For some reason I have fallen back into some old patterns I established with Dan, and I hate it. I really want my self esteem and confidence back!!) But this time, I just let myself be furious with him. I deserved to have him there, and so did the boys. We all deserve to have a husband and a father, but as usual, he was opting out to be by himself. After I was angry for awhile, I calmed down a little and realized that no matter how much we love him or want him to participate in our family, I can't make that choice for him. I can't make him want to be with us, and I can't make him like having us for a family. What I can do, is try to protect myself and the kids from getting hurt from that behavior. I want to give him time to make that choice to love us, but I can't just let us get hurt forever. I did that with Dan, and I let my brain and my heart be at the mercy of someone else despite how unhealthy it was for me. I came away a completely damaged person but I pulled myself together for Evan. I was so proud of the work I had done to get myself back afterwards. It just kills me that I have let it happen again through my behavior. Don't get me wrong...I am NOT saying that Jeff is hitting me or is anything like Dan. I know in his heart he loves us. But I do think to totally pull away from people and act like they are invisible is damaging too.


The day I got back was our 1st wedding anniversary. I was excited to see Jeff, and to see if he had missed us. When we got home around 5 o'clock, he wasn't even home. He had cleaned the whole house, so that was really nice, but I guess I was hurt he wasn't there to meet us. He finally arrived at about 6:30. When he came in he just said hello and how was the trip. No hug, or kiss. He was pretty quiet the whole night. After the kids went to bed, he spent some time alone on the deck, and then he watched a movie. I was pretty tired, so I just gave up and went to bed. I was hoping that the time away would show him what a great thing he has going, but I think he just enjoyed the time alone. Yesterday night was much of the same. He always comes home from work and no matter how much I try to engage him in conversation, he just keeps to himself. I can't live like this. I wanted someone to be my partner, to support me, to love me. I feel completely invisible and taken for granted. I feel like Alice on the Brady Bunch. I take care of the house, the kids, my job, everything, but I don't get the support of anyone. It's really draining on me. He does come and kiss and hug Charlie and totally interacts with him. I am so embarrassed to feel jealous of my own child and the attention he receives from Jeff. I know all of us need to be in therapy, but we can't afford it, so I guess I am using this blog as a tool for getting it out and working through it. Today he came in and was just loving on Charlie, and I just started crying. I had to come downstairs to let it all out. I know Evan feels bad too, since he has made some comments lately. He is so excited to see him when he comes home and asks about every 5 minutes when he will be there, but then Jeff will just say hello to him and that is it. He always asks why Jeff doesn't like him. I wish Jeff could see what a great kid he has in Evan, and what a great wife I would like to be to him. Today we saw a friend who was asking Evan about the trip, and then she said, "I bet Jeff missed you bunches! I bet he gave you a huge hug when he saw you again." Evan looked at me, and then he said "No. Jeff never hugs me." and then these tears just started to fall down his face. I know my quilting friend felt so bad, but why wouldn't you assume that someone would be glad to see their family and hug them when they got back? It just made my heart break that much more.


I am working really hard to realize that while it affects us, this is Jeff's problem, and it is one I can't fix for him. He needs to decide to do that for himself. I also need to keep in mind that I am an okay person, and that I am not causing him to make these choices. I also need to protect myself, and most of all my kids, because they can't do that for themselves emotionally right now. I am just not sure how to do that yet.


In more bad news, we heard while we were in Minnesota that the lab results had come back from my grandmother's surgery. The tumors in each breast were from separate cancers. The one on the left, which we were waiting to hear about, was an extremely aggressive kind, usually genetic. She had a bone scan and a CAT scan done yesterday to see if it had spread to the bone, since they found cancer cells spreading in all of the tissue samples they took. She is having a second masectomy done on Thursday, and will then have to have radiation and chemo. Not what we wanted to hear.