In Hot Water

Yesterday morning as Evan and I were driving to Wal-Mart to pick up some things for our trip, a commercial came on the radio about the AIDS virus. Evan, ever the worrier, immediately began to worry about whether or not he had AIDS. So, I began to explain, in what I hoped were 7 year old terms, about drug use and unprotected sex. I even stuck in there that although not everyone choses to, sometimes it is safer for your health to not have sex until you are married. (Evan has already had some detailed birds and the bees discussions with the arrival of all of these babies. Because he asked, and was interested, I told him exactly how things work. I was never sure until yesterday how much he understood of that.) He was quiet for a few minutes, which is always a bad sign, and then he said, "Then why did you have me when you weren't married?" Yikes! I always knew this day was coming, and that I would look like a hypocrit to him, but I never thought it would happen when he was seven years old. At the same time, I was impressed that he made the jump all by himself from a brief talk about safe sex to his own birth situation. So, I got into the conversation I have been dreading since he was conceived about his dad and I's terrible relationship. It helped that Evan has known for a long time (from his own experience) that his dad is nutso, and we have always talked about how he has a sickness in his brain that makes him treat people meanly, and that this is why he left us. I told him about how we were engaged, and that I thought we really were getting married, and how I have always treasured that my relationship with his dad gave me him. By the time we got to Wal-Mart I was in tears. Who would dream you have to talk about this stuff with your about to be 2nd grader? I always pictured him as a teen ager asking this. I also think he has been mulling this over for awhile, because during the last month or so, he has been TERRIFIED that I am going to leave him. I'm talking he gets nervous if I am in the closet getting some shoes, and he doesn't know it. We talked about that too. He said he was nervous that since his dad left that I will too. It just broke my heart. It does drive me nuts sometimes when he wants to keep close tabs on me at all times, but to get a glimpse into this terror that he feels constantly took my breath away. I am not sure how to prove to him that I am here to stay. Maybe there isn't a way, and we just have to live through this stage. I am sure the people at the store thought I was crazy, but then again, aren't a lot of the people you see at that store? I guess I just fit in.


We are leaving bright and early tomorrow for a stay at Lake Bel Taine in Minnesota at a place called Pine Beach. I am hoping some fun in the sun is a major distraction for him and he can do a little bit of healing while we are away. It is more than a little depressing to realize that although Dan is physically out of our lives, he will never really be gone, and that we will be dealing with his negative effects for forever.