The Sole Woman

This is a picture of me when I was 16 years old:



I am on the right with that incredible mane of hair. I am trying to grow my hair out right now, and I would kill to have some of that back. I am standing with my bestest friend in the whole world, Katy. I love that girl to pieces. She has stood with me through thick and thin, and through every bad decision I've ever made. And I am the queen of bad decisions, so I really gave her a workout in the best friend department.

There have been a flurry of old pictures of me and high school friends appearing on Facebook the last few days. I love looking at them, and remembering fun times, and dearly wonderful friends. I had the best friends in high school, and I will love them always. I love looking back at how their faces looked when I first came to love them.

But sometimes? When I look back at myself at this age in pictures, it makes me weep. The late teen/early twenties years are such an incredible time. A time when you don't have the responsibilities that come with age, and the only thing you really have to focus on is you. You are on the brink of your life, and every decision you get to make can be so important. When I look into this girl's face, my 16 year old self, I remember how idealistic I was, how self assured, how cemented I was in my convictions and that I would conquer the world. I just knew that I had the power to make the world a better place. And when I see her face, and remember how it felt to be her, I miss her terribly. I feel her loss way down to my bone marrow.

Is she still in here somewhere? Burried under all the pressures of adult life? It's not that I don't love my life right now. I am blessed, and I have everything that I prayed for and wanted at age 16. I became a teacher, married, and have a family. But being a wife, mother, and teacher means that all day every day people are depending on you and taking your time, energy, thoughts, and patience. When all is said and done, I probably have about 15 seconds a day for reflection, or me time, or getting to know myself. Or finding the self that I lost. I love the roles I have to play in life, but I wish they allowed for more time for me to be me. And not the Christy that is Wife Christy, Mother Christy, or Mrs. Kleffman the teacher Christy. I want to be ME. Just Christy Christy. I want to be able to reach back to 1994 and grab that girl's hand, and pull part of her back to the present, and find a way to weave all of it together.

How? I'm not sure or I'd do it right now. A vacation by myself? Maybe-but who has the time and opportunity to do that?! I think I need to add this to my prayer time. Or maybe I just need to squeak in a walk by myself in the evenings once in awhile. At any rate, I am going to be searching around inside myself to see if I am still in there somewhere. I'd like to renew my acquaintance.